Over the years, I've heard about the difficulties of men and women being only friends. Some even suggest it's not at all possible due to sexual tension or some such thing. Ha! I always thought. Why isn't it possible? Why can't people put sex to one side? Easy for me to say since I never have had sexual attraction to a woman. If there were any attraction, well, things could be more difficult. Maybe impossible. This point is one on my mind now. I have, finally, learned just how hard this being just friends could be. I recently met a guy. We'll call him Mergutroyd. (Not his real name.) I don't know him very well, but we've chatted a bit, and I could imagine him becoming a friend. Maybe My First Male Friend. (Well, I had some in elementary school...but that was a long time ago, and those "friends" were more like "regular playmates.") But...there is one itsy-bitsy problem: I have a crush on him. Unfortunately, he is Not Available. He is outside the ideal age range. And, from what I know, he's straight. So there is no hope of a romance developing. And that is fine. I'd certainly like a friend--man, woman, Martian--since I currently have zero close friends left in the area. But...there is the problem of that crush. Intellectually, I can understand there can be nothing more than friends, and being friends is, it's way, good. Especially when you have zero close friends, and are feeling increasingly lonely. But another level of me still yearns for the impossible. Perhaps there is some way of dealing with that. Maybe in time the crush would go away. Maybe the reality of the situation will sink to the level that the crush works at. Or perhaps I should just quietly fade away, and hope I can find some guy someplace who can be that First Male Friend, and to whom I have zero attraction.
Hi BMC77, In my experience, it is possible for people to be just friends with someone of both sexes. Just because you get on well with someone doesn't mean that you will automatically become sexually attracted to them. However, if there is a sexual attraction then things obviously get a bit more complicated. The real question then is, is it possible to remain just friends with someone you have a crush on? I am also asking the same question and like you I have recently met someone who I hope could become a very good friend, and like you I also have no real friends to speak of. But unlike you, I am also happily married (to a woman) and I have no interest to change that. The guy I have met and I get on really well and always seem to have loads to talk about. We have recently seen each other almost everyday and he also seems to enjoy my company as much as I enjoy his. Long story short, he is exactly the kind of friend I have been hoping to meet, but I also find him extremely sexy and he is also married (to a woman). This last week, he hasn't been able to meet up and I have missed him like hell. I am debating telling how much I've missed him and how much his friendship has come to mean to me but keep wondering if this is a good idea. For me, his friendship is more important than anything else and so I am willing to put those feelings aside as long as we are friends. But that may be easier for me to do because I already have my wife who I still love very much. Only you can know if you will be able to put those feelings aside. If there really is zero chance of anything happening with him, then you will have to and it will hurt, but it might be worth it if you and him can become good friends. Maybe you can try meeting other people as well and hopefully meet someone you like who is available. I know it's easier said than done, and I don't know if you will ever lose the crush over this guy. I'm working on getting over my feelings and I think it's getting better....
I certainly think it's possible to be friends with another guy without there being sexual attraction. (Although I will admit that my closest friend is a woman.) What is it about this person that makes them 'friend worthy' separate from 'crush worthy'? Or do you want to be their friend because you have a crush on them? That would be trouble waiting to happen. But if you have things in common (hobbies, interests, sports) then focus on those things and carry on.
Good questions, and to be very honest, he has qualities which make him both 'friend worthy' AND 'crush worthy'. I've briefly mentioned how we met in another thread here, http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/137583-maybe-i-should-just-give-up.html To be honest, I first noticed him because he was a good swimmer, had a nice body and he had a nice stubble... (I'm a sucker for stubble...) ....BUT, I talk to anybody who I see a few times at the pool and we kept meeting so we started talking. Turns out he lives 5 mins walk from me and we seemed to have a lot to talk about. He always seemed happy to see me and I was definitely happy when I saw him. He gave me his number and suggested we go to the pool together. Now, although I have met a lot of people at the pool and talk to most of them, I have not really felt any real connection to any of them. Yes I have a laugh with them and we chat but there seemed to be something else with this guy. I do ask myself if he feels something too, but I know probably not the same as me. He is 8 years younger than me, WAY more athletic and a MUCH better swimmer. So why should he want to swim with me? Truth is we don't so much swim together, as I can not keep up with him for more than one or two lengths, but we have a laugh and it does make it more fun and interesting. We have also started talking about doing other things together and he genuinely seems to want to spend more time with me. Now there is one other guy who I have a really good laugh with but there is no attraction with him. I like chatting with him but I don't think about him the way I think about the first guy. And I haven't exchanged numbers with anybody else I've met at the pool. Anyway, we are both married with kids and I love my wife and I am not about to throw it all away. He has never given any indication that he might be bi or gay and so it would only be wishful thinking anyway. So I have come to terms with it, mostly, and I am happy just to have him as a friend. It's been so long since someone actually contacted me to ask me to hang out with them. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel. I don't think I need to tell him this, but I really want to. But whenever we see each other, we just seem to be so pleased to see each other and it does't seem to matter whether I say it or not... Does that make sense?
Having friends with whom there is no sexual tension is a true blessing. It makes a friendship go so much smoother. I've been in those lopsided situations (in both directions) and I can't say I'm comfortable with these situations because I'm not.
About a year ago, I got the biggest crush ever on a girl at school, and that's actually what made me realize that I was gay. I liked her so much! I was crazy about her. Months later, I sort of fell into the same group of friends she is in. I didn't try to plan this because I had a crush on her. Another friend actually kind of started welcoming me into the group, and they all quickly became my best friends. Well I was spending more and more time with this wonderful, beautiful person I was crazy about. We were chatting online a lot too. We have so much in common. And it really started to drive me crazy, because whenever I wasn't with her or chatting with her, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. I couldn't even concentrate on my school work. It got to the point where I finally concluded that I had to just stop. Just stop thinking about her, try to stop spending so much time with her, try not to even look at her during class. That same day that I decided this we're leaving class, and my other friend wants to go to a place to hang out for a while. I agree to go, and then I watch her walk over to my friend's car who I have a crush on. (The friend, not the car.) I'm literally thinking, "Please talk her into coming, please don't talk her into coming, please talk her into coming..." And my friend comes back and says she talked her into coming with us. And I'm thinking, "Great!" (both good and bad) So we sit down at the place and start chatting a bit, and pretty soon my friend lets us know something she's really upset about. It was something very personal, and I felt so bad for her. I was just so drawn in to her feelings, and what she was going through, I just hated to see her hurting, and forgot all about how she was driving me insane. Actually, I didn't completely forget about it. I thought that I didn't care if it drove me insane for the rest of my life, this was my friend, and I was always going to be there for her, and do my best to make sure she was happy. We had some personal conversations the next day too, and I came out to her. She was completely supportive, of course. We were both thankful to each other to have a good friend to talk to and share our personal stuff with. And ever since then, the crush hasn't driven me crazy anymore. Once we really became close friends, I was just happy to be friends with such a wonderful person. When she wasn't around, I didn't miss her quite so terribly, because I knew she'd always be back again to talk to. And the crush, I guess it hasn't died down completely. I still have feelings for her. But it's calmed down a lot. I'm happy where I am, I understand that she will never feel the same way about me (she's straight), and I'm just happy to have such a wonderful friend. Everything's good, and I'm happy. So yes, it's possible.
