What a wimp BMC77 is

You're being too hard on yourself. I don't even have the guts to wear a rainbow bracelet, so you're less wimpy than me.

 

trust your instincts, they're better than your brain. this i know based on a life time of experience. keep doing what your doing, getting out a bit at a time as your comfortable, the right guy will come along.

 

It's not cowardice, it's self-preservation. Humans have long since evolved beyond basic primal dangers out in the wild world. One of those evolutionary changes has been our 'danger sense' which is as frequently attuned to detecting social/emotional/psychological threats than it is to any physical danger we may face.

 

I was actually going to say exactly what Adia wrote. What you encountered isn't you being a wimp. You encountered a fundamental part of human evolutionary psychology. There is a reason we feel uncomfortable when we're placed in a room full of strangers, even though logically we aren't in any serious danger.

That's because over the bulk of human history, our species lived in small family groups of fifty to a hundred people. You knew everybody by name. When you encountered a human outside of that group, you didn't know whether or not that human was dangerous. As a result, the brain kicks in and says: "DANGER! ALERT!!!! THERE IS A STRANGER HERE WHO MIGHT BE DANGEROUS! BE ON ALERT IN CASE HE WANTS TO KILL YOU!"

And you know what, back in the day, your brain was most probably right in the majority of cases. That other human you met from a different tribe very well might have attempted to kill you. If he didn't try to kill you, then he might try to take your food, or some other objects of value.

This sense of danger increases when you are alone. If you were with a couple of friends you trusted, especially if you knew they had your back if anything went down, it's very unlikely you would have reacted identically the way that you did. You may have still been uncomfortable because you're dealing with a danger, and you have to assess whether or not he's a threat to you. However, you likely wouldn't have fled the scene because instinctively you'd know: "If shit goes down, the odds are in our favor because we out number him."

Keep in mind, all you -really- knew for certain was that he likely noticed your bracelet and understood what it meant. You likely did a lot of assessing of that situation without realizing it. You knew, instinctively, that the possibility existed that your assessment could have been wrong and this person who recognized your bracelet might have been hostile to gay people. That would have put you in danger. I'm certain that went through your mind on some level, as it would have went through mine.

You're not a wimp. You reacted exactly as would be expected of a normal human in that type of situation. You encountered a stranger, there was the potential for danger, this made you feel uncomfortable, so you left before you could be hurt.

You're simply looking back on the event with 20/20 hindsight and wishing that you had acted differently. However, at that particular moment, you reacted exactly as most people would have reacted.

To overcome this natural reaction when encountering strangers, you have to spend a lot of time interacting with strangers. This will literally change the way your brain works when it encounters a stranger, and will help reduce the anxiety that you feel. It will never go away completely, but it will become easier when interacting with people you don't know because you'll have a more developed sense of what is and is not dangerous.

 

Dude that is such a good idea, a rainbow bracelet is genius! And, as others have noted, brave. Seriously. Many of us are so open on EC but are lurking behind our online personas, and in person are only semi-out or not out at all. I hate talking to obvious lesbians in public because I get butterflies and also I don't want to come off as presumptuous and I end up getting flustered.

Anyways. Maybe the next time you are wearing your bracelet you'll be a little braver when someone signals you. Or you'll run into that guy again a few more times. And eventually you and whoever signals to you will start talking and form a beautiful friendship or relationship. Or not. But ya took the risk once, it'll get easier the next time.

 

Seattle: June 30: Gay Pride!
Wear your bracelet. You will be among tens of thousands of gay people and their supporters.

Last year was my first Gay Pride, and it was an intensely emotional experience for me. I actually broke down sobbing more than once, just realizing where I was. A friend who's been out most of his adult life told me he still gets a lump in his throat at Pride.

 

I wore a rainbow ring to the doctor's office once. While I was getting blood taken, the lab lady commented on how much she liked my ring. I was speechless. I did not know what to say. Should I have winked? Asked if she was "family"? In retrospect, I could have just said that it has deep meaning to me.

Fast forward a year or so. My youngest son just graduated from high school. My oldest son, who is gay, was wearing a rainbow bracelet so I put mine on. We headed to graduation full of pride. Now I know what to say when anyone comments.

(!)

 

How is it not brave to 1) wear a rainbow bracelet, and 2) wear it in a store where you already have a sense that some portion of the clientele is best off being avoided?

Something about the guy triggered danger signals in your mind. Whether it was rational or not, real or not, is irrelevant. The fact that it was after he apparently recognized the rainbow bracelet could have heightened your self-preservation instincts so you misread his body language as dangerous instead of interest or even just acceptance.

I would suggest that unless you notice a significant trend of avoiding people when you've been identified as gay it's not an issue to worry about. Let's face it, even in the gay-friendly world there are people who just trigger the "avoid-at-all-cost" buttons in our brains for some reason. That doesn't make you a wimp and it doesn't make you a recluse. Just because you're gay and you meet someone gay or gay-friendly doesn't mean alarm bells can't go off for any (in-)valid reason or instinct.

Besides, wearing a rainbow bracelet doesn't mean you've put blinders on and are oblivious to risk.

 

That is how we grow as people. Being able to acknowledge that there is some way to continue improving ourselves. That being said, self-critical thoughts CAN become a negative thing, so be ever cautious of your thoughts and emotions.

 

LOL, there's this great website. http://www.emptyclosets.com I believe it's called......... :roflmao:

 

You're too hard on yourself love will find a way!! Have faith in that.

 

I did something similar to BMC77.

There was an anti-bullying day a couple of years ago, in which everyone against anti-gay bullying was to wear purple. I wore a purple shirt and went through the work day without hearing anything about it.

But then at the supermarket after work, some woman in the bread aisle said she was glad I was wearing purple (she was as well, for the same reason). I was stunned speechless, as I really didn't expect a stranger to say something in a store.

I wish I'd been more relaxed and talked to her a bit then, rather than mumbling some vague thank-you and then wandering off to another aisle.

My guess is that this is all part of the process of coming out and being more comfortable being that open. I still have a lot of work to do on that myself.

 

There is one gay at work , who (I believe) is a gay in the closet or at least not out at work . I think this guy likes me , he might spot me in his gaydar , he always check me out and smile , and I am damn sure that he is gay but I am terrified to look at him in the eyes , I avoid any eye contact with him .I really need to meet a gay in real life and that guy might be the easiest way to do that but I am still scared to death . So easy on yourself , I think what you did is pretty normal .

 

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Wearing that bracelet was pretty brave. I would never do something like that!

 

Cracking the door open little by little...

Piano71, I did the same thing - wore a purple shirt on that anti-bullying day. My boss walked by and started talking to me and he noticed my shirt. It said, "Seneca Falls, Selma, Stonewall", on it. He started talking positively about Stonewall and LGBT people in general I said, "I'm part of that community". He got the biggest grin on his face. He is straight BTW... After that, I was open at work. Not that I blurt out that I am a lesbian but I don't hide the fact.