It's been a while since I've been here. I've moved from the family home and am now in my apartment. I think I've made a huge mistake, simply, because I'm in a way too young, hip part of town and am now locked into a year's lease. I'm on the every other week cycle with my kids which is killing me. They like the place, partially why I chose it...ages 17 and 10. My shrink said this was going to be the worst time of my life. He was right. How did life get this complicated emotionally? Yes, there is that far off glimmer of stability. I can't even verbalize what I want. I am a "moral" person and yet there are times when all I want is to get laid. Would a one night stand be worth it just to know what it's like to be with another man, to feel connected to someone else. I know it's an illusion and trading sex for a moments intimacy, if that's even the right thing to call it. I've read others' stories that are similar. I've purposefully chosen an apartment that is less expensive than I can afford, but I've max'd my 1st credit card in seven years to help get the family home in better shape for sale. I need a microwave, pots and pans, measuring spoon, but I've Spode for 12, St. Louis crystal, and the family sterling. I'd be fortunate if I can comfortably seat 4. I sit here surrounded by a life I'll never be a part of again. It's just stuff. Yet it's been such a part of my life. How do I even dispose of it to start fresh? The big joke is my wife was the one who enabled me to go back to school 12 years ago to get a M.S.Ed. She made the money so I could teach. I left a career in sales. Now I'm living in 2 rooms with a kitchen so small as to be almost nonfunctional. Not a fate for a foodie. There's no room for the cook books...few of them, if any are useful in my new circumstances. Nothing that I've read has prepared me for this. A prime example the was a bears bar night at my favorite watering hole. There was even a group that was coming down from Canada. Did I go, no. Why? I didn't want to be a "slut"...right word, wrong word...you get my drift. Yet, what would have been the harm? I can assure you i felt like one anyway, because I wanted to be there. What is the good of resisting temptation when all you can think about are the fruits of that temptation (no pun intended)? If I'm dieting and am craving chocolate isn't it better to eat a piece of chocolate than to eat around it, and potentially consume more calories than if you just had the chocolate? My dog isn't into city living at all. No invisible fence, she likes her privacy. It's funny how she is almost embarassed to be doing her business in public. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Any advice would be well received.
TScott, I have no words of wisdom for you. I hear your pain. I have just joined this group because I am in the process of coming out myself after a 24 year marriage. I am terrified and yet I can no longer stay in the bondage place I have been living. I have come out to myself and a counselor I am working with. I think about all that you are expressing and I worry about everything you just posted. I think about whether or not it is worth it. Sounds like you are making careful decisions about preserving some of your self dignity and respect during this time of transition. I applaud that decision. Seems to me like you might be able to find some middle ground. As you decide what your moral boundaries are, perhaps there is space for intimacy or physical contact that does not cross over your boundaries. Would going on a date that ends in kissing, hugging and perhaps a massage be within your moral boundaries? You may need to decide where is the line and communicate this to your date. I bet this sounds strange after all this time. I hope you find a friend or two soon that can fill the void. Peace, Josh
Hi Tscott, I have recently separated and I'm going through the grieving progress for my old life. When I have my children I feel whole again. Without them I'm in a world where I don't belong. I'm single and all my friends are couples. I'm bi and all my friends are straight. However I know I've done the right thing. You need to give yourself time to adjust. There is no harm in going out and meeting people as long as you play safe and no one gets hurt. I've joined a group where I can meet up with people for walks or go to the pub or for coffee. It's not a dating site but I figure it will help me move on. I haven't had the nerve to go yet but I'm meeting a couple of them soon. Your morales are a lovely quality and they don't need to change if you don't want them to, but don't let them hold you back from meeting people. To find mr right you will need to go out. Missing the children is very tough, I miss mine terribly. It is a transition we all need to get use to. Thoughts are with you (*hug*)
Going to bears night at a bar = slut? Well, okay, if you say so. I guess it all depends on what your intentions are. Instead of focusing on the possible end result (sex!), why not focus on the journey (making friends)? No one will force you to do anything against your will, but unless you take the first step you're not going to get to where you want to be.
Hi tscott, I'm in your shoes but a little further down the road. It's been seven months since I came out to my wife and moved out of the family home at her request. Kids are 8 and 11. Since moving out, I've lived in a motel and three different apartments, with another move on the horizon. Stability is no longer part of my vocabulary. It's been hell in many ways. It's impossible not to question if it was all worth it, as I do countless times every day. I think it will be another year before the dust settles enough for me to answer that question. All I can tell you is that the gay friends I've met since coming out have been the only thing keeping me sane these past months. Some have been more than friends and I've valued each experience. I'm currently in an exclusive relationship that just hit the three month mark, which is something I never would have predicted at this point. I guess my advice is to do what you need to do to meet other gay men, whether it's at a bar, a support group or online. Start building friendships and see where they lead. It's an important balance to all the crap that comes with coming out later in life. Best of luck to you!
Oh my god i feel so bad for you. But to go through all that stress you know it is the right thing to do. I am in a similar position to you, I am getting myself worked up over moving to Cardiff in the summer. It feels like the right thing to do but it is extreelmy scary, there are just no gay people in cambridge so i think moving will be good for me but i can help being terrified by the move. You have done so well getting so far in such a short space of time. So much braver than me who is still so scared but is in a far easier situation than you. Things have moved so fast for you once you settle down and start to explore your new area of town and get used to being in your new apartment you will be in a far better postion to go out and meet people. Remember that your whole life has been turned upside down so it will take time for things to feel "normal" again. Once they do you will feel more comfortable going out to bars and meeting ther gay men. I understand the financial issues but any area can be nice and be made to feel like home once you get used to it. If you have your own belongings from your former home make sure you put things out and keep your place nice and tidy, it will make you feel more comfortable. Once you have settled into the area go out and meet other men, not just for sex but try to make friends, who knows where this could lead. Take your time, I uderstand that you are craving sex but try to make friends first, rushing into sex may not be the best way to find a long lasting relationship like you want. Molly xx
The comment that really stuck out for me was the notion that wanting to go to the bears night out was somehow slutty. I don't quite understand the association, but I suspect there is some projection of some internalized homophobia going on here. I know that can be hard to work through but the more you examine it the better. Gay men do a lot of things together other than sex. They play baseball, talk politics, discuss the books they've read. I remember once I was at a largely gay restaurant during IML weekend and there was a large group of burly guys all in full leather regalia at one of the large round tables. You could tell from the next table that suddenly the conversation had gotten interesting. So, of course, my husband and I went into full eavesdropping mode figuring there would surely be something terribly salacious going on. They were swapping recipes!! Seriously. What had caused such a stir was apparently something that one of them does in preparing lasagna that none of the others had tried. Seriously, in even the crusiest of gay bars there's going to be a sizable contingent of guys who are there because they like the music or they know the bartender or they're meeting friends for a drink before going to the theater. If you don't want to have sex yet, don't. But don't let yourself think that that means you can't get out there and meet other gay guys. Hang in there! It gets better!
Tim, you're probably off on your way to work and wont see this until later today. So, first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and look at your apartment. Look at all the stuff you and your wife negotiated over for months. Look at your pictures of the kids and remember how much they love their dad and you love them. Which is more important? The kids obviously. Now stop and look at yourself -- not the physical you, but who you are inside, in your heart, in your mind. You've had a good life -- part of that was a good lifestyle supported by your ex wife, but you lived a good life because of who you are as a person. So what changed? You realized that part of you had been repressed a good portion of your life... you're gay. So you did the honorable thing and told your wife the truth and dealt with the consequences. Now you're finding your way as a single late-in-life gay dad in a world where youth and sexuality are idealized, but you're a conservative type morally. You feel isolated, alone. Well guess what? You're probably really the majority of people in the world who happen to be gay, particularly from the later-in-life segment. I'm going out on a limb here, but I'd bet that a lot of the guys out in the bars looking for a hookup if you could really look into their hearts what they really want is the same thing you want, they've just been so beaten down by the social programming to finally accept the non-attached sexual relationship as a given. So what do you do about it? You can't go back into the closet. You can't pretend you're not gay. You can't realistically hide in your apartment. So, do you go out to the bars and take someone to a back room... not likely. How about just go out and meet people, talk to them, have fun. If they want to get things heated up, give them boundaries you are comfortable with. If it's just sitting at table talking over drinks then great. If it's snogging in a parking lot great ( ). If it's taking him back to your place and just seeing what happens between you great. The point is, do what you are comfortable doing with that particular person at that time. You like men, so meet some men and see what happens; it does not make you a slut... no matter how many dirty fantasies you come up with while chatting up a guy or eying up someone across the room. Bottom line, give yourself a break. This is the hardest part of coming out, learning how to build your own identity in the world after accepting who you are as a whole person. It's not that different than anyone else transitioning from the family home into adulthood; in our cases it's a second transition made more difficult by the additional history we bring with us from our marriage and our children, and the reality of the discomfort society has about who we are attracted to. (*hug*) Tim, you're going to be fine. It takes time to get into a new routine. I've been through so mean upheavals in the last 20 years I almost get antsy if things have been stable "too long" -- not that I'm waiting for something to happen to trigger another change, but just getting conditioned to expect change periodically... and it builds a sense of longing for the stability so many enjoy. Just focus on today, pick one small thing you can do today to begin turning your viewpoint from anxiety to hope. Do something to give yourself the confidence you always had. Do something to reward yourself for the courage to be you... how many people out there are enduring through marriages that will never be satisfying for either him or his wife because one of them is gay and they cannot bear the trauma of the changes that with come with honesty to themselves and their spouse? You've already had the pain from trauma of the truth; now you're dealing with the pain from healing, but that is a very good thing to go through because it means you are becoming the whole person you were meant to be; and you'll be better equipped to handle the traumas of living going forward so much better as a result. (*hug*) :icon_wink
I really admire you for your courage and for sticking to your morals. you are an insperation to us all. xxxxxxx
Dear Tim, It is the worst of times; it is the best of times. Your apartment's location sounds like a *great* place to be! Maybe not forever, but damn it, for an exciting year! Drink in the youth and hipness...this may be your last chance to experience living in such a place. I'm slightly jealous. I sooo get your "slut" concerns. It's ridiculous...I've been *monogamous* for nearly 28 years with my partner, and yet the mere fact that I *want* sex with a man, with someone outside my partnership, feels slutty, and I take on that guilt. It's a burden laid on us by society...at least be glad you weren't raise a girl...the pressure is applied much more thickly. But it's there, and you'll need to work through that. It is *not* slutty to have sexual needs or desires; it is *not* slutty to socialize with people that you might find yourself sexually attracted to. If you're unattached, then I don't even think it's slutty to hook up for the night with one of them (it's when you do it several nights in a row with different guys that it gets slutty ). Your dog will adjust. She just doesn't like change any more than you do, but she should be the least of your worries. But now to the most important business. If your kitchen has a fridge and a single functional burner (gas or electric) then a true foodie can survive and be happy there for a year. Seriously. Tell me what you've got in the fridge and in the cupboard, and what you have to cook with, and I'll tell you how to turn it into something fabulous, ok? If you'd rather not announce it to the world, feel free to pm me. Solitude can be a great opportunity for finding yourself...use this one well. Hugs, -- Annika
/\ Sound advice! If I can be so arrogant as to relay a relevant anecdote Ten years ago I was living in a tin shack in Uganda with only a tiny $2 charcoal stove to cook on. The first couple of months were just culinary disaster after culinary disaster, but eventually I'd figured out how to improvise an oven (put one pan inside another slightly bigger one and cover), make jacket potatoes (wrap potatoes in foil and put them in the charcoal) and steam vegetables in banana leaves. Within a year I was cooking roast pork with ALL the trimmings on my tiny $2 stove. And man I was proud of that roast pork! The lesson it taught me, cliched as it may sound, was that I didn't need people complimenting me on my culinary greatness. It may sound a bit weird, but as I look back it was one of the important small moments in my *coming out* story where I was able to validate myself - Yes *I* achieved that. Little old me! Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is; try to see your new circumstances as a challenge. You might just surprise yourself.
Thank you all. For one thing I'll admit I've been pretty spoiled up until now, no major money worries and my former kitchen that's being 'updated' for resale is a bit over the top. At least my new stove has 4 burners and is gas. My fridge is pitiful, but I haven't planned any meals or made a real shopping list. There's a bottle Yquem, some chicken salad from the deli, milk, ice tea, Greek yogurt, some brie, and some grapes and oranges. The pantry is barer - raisin bran, 5 different black teas, sugar, tortilla chips, and salsa. I found Kitchen-Aid knives on sale at the market. The most expensive was only $10, full tang. I've a French press, a tea kettle, and a large sauce pan for know. Once the house is sold I can pay off my wife and the credit card and cancel it. It feels more grim than it really is. I've nice furniture and decorations. There's a lot of pink and very French so it's more feminine than I'd like, but not too much so. There's nothing wrong with a bear's night, except I wanted a hook-up. I be lying if I didn't say I still do. I have quite a few gay friends...most are paired...not all. I sing with the gay chorus and am a member of the Empire Bears. The Rams cycle club was sponsoring the bar night and if I'd gone out it would have been with sex as the goal...maybe not if I'd connected on a different level. I'm a socially conservative middle aged man. It is confusing to me. My last date was the second when I found out he's in a long term relationship. I felt high and mighty then, now I feel as if being the piece of fluff on the side might not have been too bad, but the my conscience kicks in and says it's cheating...slice it, dice it anyway you want and it's still cheating. At least it would be for me. If I didn't do it in my marriage, why would I want to do it to someone else? It's only been 5 mos., since I came out and only 3 more mos. that I've admitted to myself that I'm gay. It's hard to take baby steps when you want to run. I'll get through this, but feels like walking on coals right now. Again thank for talking me down. (&&&)
