Introduction

This is incredibly difficult to type since I do not know where to begin. I will start by saying that this post may be long. You cannot say I have not given you fair warning! ☺ I am writing this to share my story and maybe garner advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

Since last November I have ‘endured’ what I would call a crisis. I guess it was a culmination of various facets of my life reaching boiling point. I better tell you more about me. I am 25 years old and originally from the UK (Scotland), but moved to the US through marriage. I know I have always been somewhere on the spectrum between bisexual and gay. My wife has known my sexual history from the very beginning, and she was previously in a relationship with a woman for 4.5 years. Our story is certainly not conventional, but then what is? I am placing this in the Later in Life area since quite a few people here have been through marriages and may have many pearls of wisdom!

After weeks of suffering in silence, I told my wife that I was not happy and our marriage in its then present state could not continue without changes. Understandably, she was upset- we both were. The next day, she told me she had called a divorce lawyer and we had an appointment that afternoon. I managed to cancel it, reminding her that I told her I was not happy, not that I wanted a divorce. For three days we stayed in the house and talked over some of the issues. I decided the best thing was to fly back to the UK to my parent’s house, and that we could both use the month to think about what we both wanted and needed.

In early January I came back and we went through another round of discussions. I told her I ought to go to counseling since I felt I needed to, and that it may help me come to some conclusions. I am currently still going (I have an appointment this evening), and it has been helping. I have learnt a lot about myself and learned what some of my problems really are about.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years (5-17) I was consistently bullied. My therapist actually classes it as abuse since it happened everyday and, in her opinion, was so severe. Consequently she believes that I have elements of PTSD, and that this is what is at the core of my problems.

I was only bullied about sexuality when I was very young (I preferred to hang around with girls when boys at that age would stay away). For the rest of my school career it was never about that. Guys actually came to me asking for dating advice. They thought that my having numerous female friends was somehow indicative of prowess at dating (how wrong they were there…). I was bullied, my therapist thinks, because of my intelligence.

It is only now that I am beginning to realize the impact it still has on me today. I threw myself into schoolwork often waking up at 6am and, aside from eating, working until 1am. Yes, I even worked on the bus to school. On top of the bullying I was dealing with my sexuality which I hated throughout this time, became depressed, and developed Ulcerative Colitis. I told no one about any of this. I essentially suffered in silence. I was able to maintain such a façade that no one ever came close to thinking something was wrong. My therapist was even surprised when she began to understand the extent of it all since I did not appear to be depressed at all- quite the opposite.

Looking back, I can see the patterns taking hold that have brought me to this situation. I buried my own thoughts and feelings and adapted to whatever situation I was in. I took people’s criticisms to heart, but never let it show. I have always held people at a distance. My wife still tells me that after six years of dating/marriage, she thinks of part of me as a complete mystery to her. I know she is right. For me, it has been always easier but it cannot continue. We went to watch ‘The Railway Man’ recently and I told her that Colin Firth’s character came close to how I felt. Part of me worries that, in dealing with all of this, it may end up driving her away. Yet, I may be able to come to terms with myself, including my sexuality, and begin to live my life as I should.

Anyway, I will end this post here since I could type for quite a while about events that have happened. I just wanted to say hello and give a somewhat quick background. Thanks to anyone who reads this. If anyone has any questions or thoughts then please share them!

 

Hello,

Thanks for all of your responses. I’m glad to have somewhere to post about this, and to receive thoughts/questions from people who have some idea of what it is I’m going through!

@BlueSky224: I am happy I have been going to therapy. For the longest time I resisted going, but can now see why it’s beneficial. My UC was less lucky. I waited for a long time before going to get it diagnosed, and every treatment plan they threw at me did not work. I ended up having to have permanent surgery. It was hard, but at least I can do things again!

@bingostring: I have thought about couple’s therapy. My wife went to her own sessions whilst I was in the UK, but she felt she didn’t need it after the initial sessions. I think once I have made more progress on my own I will re-consider it.

My biggest fear is that, with my issues that pre-date my wife and how that clouds my thinking, I will make a rash decision to either stay or leave. I am used to making up my mind rather quickly and sticking to it, but I don’t want that this time. I know it may be hard but I need to work through as much of this that I can before I decide anything. This is too important to rush decisions.

I am incredibly lucky to have my wife in my life. Our situation is unusual, but no matter what comes next I am glad we are in each other’s life; we both agree on that. Prior to meeting her I would have said I was 100% gay and she would have said the same about herself. Our relationships up to that point had been solely with the same-sex. I spent a study-abroad year here in the States and I met her at the college I was attending. We actually first locked eyes at the LGBT stall (she was co-president of the LGBT society), and our first kiss was in a gay club.

Fast-forward 5.5 years and I am undergoing a crisis of confidence. I just do not know if this is what I want anymore. For so long I have always put everyone else before myself, and it is taking a toll- I feel like a shell. All of my usual defense mechanisms are failing me and that is unsettling. It’s hard to convey the extent of it all in a forum post, but I know that this is not right. I don’t have any hobbies I actually do anymore. I spend all of my time working on my master’s degree, and on this side of the pond I have not made friends. To round it off, I am the one who takes care of the house and financial matters. I guess I am trying to say it can get very lonely and frustrating sometimes! It’s almost as if I don’t know myself anymore.

I worry sometimes that my wife and I got married for the ‘wrong’ reasons. By that, I don’t mean we got married out of pressure or denial over our sexuality. I just wonder if we got married because we brought characteristics to the table we both needed in another person and, because we both had enough of them, it felt right. Does that make any sense? She was cheated on by the woman she had her last relationship with, and before that she dated a man that came out as gay (she has some attraction to gay men. She admits it, but does not know why). She knows I would never cheat on her and I was completely honest about my past to her. I bring her stability- financial, emotional etc. Even my immediate family has brought her stability. It’s as if my parents matter to her more than her own.

For me, I am utterly devoted to her. Even though I have difficulty talking about my past, I have told her more than anyone else. I can let my guard down around her more than I can with others. We share a lot of similar interests and we just love to pick each other’s brains. She is scarily intelligent, and for me that is a huge positive. I have never intellectually clicked with anyone else like I have with her. Part of me admits I like the aspect of her broken past and being able to ‘fix her’. For me, it’s my way of showing how much I love/care about someone. She has often told me that if I hadn’t come into her life, she would not be half the person she is today.

It is all terribly confusing. Part of me feels it’s stupid to be bothering people about this. There are others on this forum with more pressing problems than my own. I just have very few outlets. Again, thanks for reading. I am extremely grateful to have been welcomed here.