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Still "stuck" in every facet of life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Pete1970, May 20, 2014.

  1. Pete1970

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    So i havent posted much lately, but i just feelstuck all around.

    I dont really want to rehash the whole story, but for the people that werent here a while back, basically ive been married for almost 23 years and about 6 months ago i came out to my wife. She immediately wanted a divorce and started seeing other guys. About 3 months ago we decided to try to make it work.

    So now we have good days and bad, maybe 40% good, 40% where we dont really say much to each other and 20% where we have arguments and awkwardness. Im not sure what the final outcome will be, money would be very tight and i dont want to leave my kids and not see them every day.

    Im stil having a hard time dealing with her having sex with another man.

    I went to a few lgbt events and that was great, but when i go is when my wife starts with the arguing, even though i assure her i go just for friendship.


    Another problem is that i really hate my job, usually by now the hours are reduced but now its a 6 day a week job. I am exhausted from working so much and the problems at home. I am so tired i cant even think about starting over and going through the whole process.

    It feels like i am not really living, just going through the motions and it feels like i am just existing.

    Sorry for the complaining, just need to vent
     
  2. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    It sounds like this arrangement is great for her but draining/destroying your spirit.

    She can date and have sex and you cant? Hmmmm
     
  3. Clay

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    No he came out as gay, they seperated, she started seeing other guys and slept with one, then Pete wanted to get back together with her so they did.
     
  4. LibraryKitten

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    I'm so sorry.

    I started this post trying to type out a thoughtful reply, that would be insightful and helpful to you, relating to my own experience in a similar situation where I was on her side of the breakup with a gay man on his way out of the closet(though we didn't have the added complication of children). But my post turned into a really long introspective rant, and I didn't think it would be very helpful to you so I erased it all. The basic idea I wanted to get across, though, I think, was that this is a really rough situation, and it's going to take a lot of time before either of you settle into a comfortable way to cope. Try not to be too hard on yourself if it's taking a while to feel comfortable with her seeking sex with someone else(I'm assuming that you both assumed you would be having sex with each other when you married, so if you no longer want that from her, but she still wants sex, what did you think would happen? It makes sense. But it also makes sense that after a long romantic relationship with her, you would still feel at least a little bit possessive of her, even if you don't want her that way anymore, especially if you're still living together and still highly emotionally dependent on each others' approval).

    Try to be compassionate to her, even when she's making unfair requests such as allowing her to be with someone else, and you only being allowed to make friends at lgbt events. What's essentially just happened to her, is that her entire world has been taken apart because the man she fell in love with suddenly doesn't think she's sexy anymore, and doesn't want to be in the relationship she thought he wanted with her. Regardless of whether it's true, she's going to be feeling like there's something wrong with her, like she's completely undesirable to anybody(except if she can prove to herself that she's attractive by being with someone else(except even if she's attractive to someone else, she still won't feel attractive to herself, because the person she wanted to be attracted to her simply can't be)), and like she must've been a fool not to have known you weren't actually into her that way. You don't have to passively accept the unfair request, but try not to be too upset by it.

    Well look, it turned into another long post! XD

    I really hope things turn out alright for you both. Please keep us updated? And if you ever want to talk/vent about this with me in a private message, I'm happy to listen and provide support.
     
  5. Choirboy

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    So bud.....what just would you consider "making it work"? I totally get the notion of some sacrifices for the stability of the kids. Even for your wife, if it seems as though you are the person offering her some stability. But you know, sooner or later your own needs as a person have to be considered.

    I'm not talking about having a boyfriend. Not even about hanging out with other gay men, really, or at least not completely. I'm talking about you as a person. Just Pete the guy, and what is really going to make you satisfied and healthy in your own head. The job situation may not be something you can do much about at the moment. But what kind of a message is this relationship sending to your kids? My wife and I have had a very similar dynamic over the years. She's always had quite the posse of people and activities, and I've had to beg for whatever little time to myself I could get. In the end it really didn't set a very positive message to the kids, and it also caused them to focus mainly on the things she wanted them to, and not activities that also mattered to me. It turned me into very much a second-class citizen in our marriage.

    I probably would have characterized it as maybe 40% or so good at the time, but now that things are moving more in the direction of the end game, I'm starting to realize that what I was considering "good" all these years was really a lot closer to indifferent or just "not awful". Like you, between the kids and the checkbook, this isn't the time for me to completely break away, at least with a complete divorce and break all ties kind of solution. We're being more creative than that (well, I am - she is still in morphing stages of delusion, denial and hostility), by necessity. Necessity much more so for me than for her, because I realized how much of my own self-respect I had given up to her and was still giving up.

    I'd try thinking more about what you want in the long run, and work on developing your own self-esteem and strength. It's much easier to take a healthy look at your life when you're doing it from on top of a hill instead of from a hole in the ground. Standing up for yourself and working towards being an equal partner isn't being cruel to her. Staying until you can't take it anymore, and then just fleeing because you're beyond miserable, would be. And what's happening now is definitely not fair to you. This really needs to be more equitable or you're going to end up a very damaged person in the end. Take care.

    John