How much time do we really have to come out?

Hey, welcome back!

This is one great battle you're fighting, dear friend; I know it can't be easy, and I hate to put it this way, but the stakes are high and whatever decision you make will have a very significant impact on your happiness...and hers (eventually).

You have called yourself gay in your profile, I presume that this is what you truly believe about yourself. She thinks it can work despite this...issue, yet despite all the hard evidence you can muster, you still waver on whether this is true. You need to ask yourself why...

It is so easy to mistake obligation, or duty, for love. In this relationship, do you feel obligated? Do you feel it is your duty to just go along with whatever she and her understanding of your religion says? If you have replied yes to both questions, explain to us please how this is love?

You are right about one thing: the time for mulling this over is over. You have been struggling with this since March, time to make a decision. The "process" ended when you, here in a safe place, chose the word "gay" to tell us what you are. She deserves this decision just as much as you, and for her, the sooner the better.

There is no guarantee that the grass is any greener on "our" side of the fence, none whatsoever, but it seems to most of us here that it is still better to live with integrity than to be stuck in the vortex of a lie, no matter how seductive that lie can be...

 

It's tough, it really is. You want the approval of family, friends and society and you've found a great girl who you can make it work with. In many ways it is logical. I had many of the same thoughts when I got married. But the problem is you can't just make yourself straight by acting straight. You can't bury your feelings forever. Sooner or later they will overwhelm you and you'll wish you could date men. I know when I got married I thought I could just keep my attractions quiet and somehow make them go away. But they never go away!

I give you a lot of credit for being honest with your girlfriend about your orientation. I think the two of you should sit down with a marriage counselor and discuss your situation. You need to really explore why you both want to get married. It's strange for a straight woman to want to marry a gay man...something's going on there and you need to figure out what it is. Or she needs to figure it out at least. A mixed orientation marriage is not desirable. There's a lot of pain in it.

 

SOunds to me like your religious community is keeping you stuck in the cycle of denial, hiding and/or shame.

I have been married 24 years. I wish I had the courage much much sooner to be honest with what I was seeing in my life.

Porn was my main outlet. But my porn preference was always gay. I thought I could just control the lust and porn. My religious voice was loud and strong.

If you are gay, and I agree with Greatwhale that you have identified as such, now is the time to be open and honest with your girlfriend.

I am not out to my wife. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, ever.

I wish for you clear wisdom and courage.

 

You said you are attracted to her; yes? Maybe the reason you stumble on this issue is because you're not gay, I am also going to assume you two have had "intimate time" within these 6 years. did you need any mental stimulation? I.E. mental images of nude men.
If her body was enough to get you going, then I would have to say you are Bisexual. You could very well be putting too much pressure on yourself with this issue causing you to stress about it even more.
Maybe you just need an affirming event, a night with a guy, just to see if this is truly want you desire.

 

Ok, then it is clear now that you are indeed a Homosexual, I am getting the vibe from your posts that this is only getting stronger, I would have to advise against marrying her. In the long run you would just be stringing her along, and when your urges do become uncontrollable, you would just end up hurting her more then, then you would be hurting her now, know what I mean?

I tried my best to hide my transexual feelings, I did it for almost 20 years, until it popped like a can of soda in the freezer... My ex was kinda weird about it, about me, and at times I was almost discovered by my parents.

 

It is a hard decision you face.

I wish I had your clarity at that age. I was so shut down inside,that the only options I allowed myself were celibacy or marrying a woman. This was for religious reasons, as well as family pressure, and my own fears which were strong and deep. At the time, I was told that sexuality is a choice, and I believed it. I met an extraordinary woman, and wanted nothing more than a life together. We became, and are best friends, and I am thankful every day for the time we share together.

I discover now, 15 years later, that what I thought was a virtue, saving myself for marriage and remaining a virgin till I was 31, really was a protection from my own feelings. I was surprised, after waiting all that time, that I was not able to fully function as a husband. I tried in every way to learn how, but it did not come naturally, and in fact has become more difficult with time. Eventually we stopped trying.

I tried channeling my energies into the other areas of our life, being a faithful husband, companion and father. (The one and only time we were able to make it work...really worked)
In this way, our relationship has never been better, but the longing for that physical relationship did not go away, and it turned into a cycle of depression that got stronger with time. When I was honest with myself, I admitted that I am naturally attracted to men. And that while my decisions are mine to make, my orientation really is gay. This is not something I can fix, and by hiding from it, I have done untold damage to myself, and to my wife. For me, The determination to make things work is not love. It was a way to hide from myself and my wife.

I came out to myself, and my wife, and now several friends recently. It is harder, and more painful than I could have imagined. But also, such a relief. In denying myself for so long, i was shutting down my feelings, and my ability to be present in relationship. As I talk with my wife, I see how heart breaking this has been for her, to watch me retreat with in myself and feel powerless to help me. As painful as this is, and as we find a way forward, we are both grateful that I am facing the truth, and getting help. I am starting to feel,confident that whichever direction our relationship goes, we will be able to hold on to what is essentially good in our relationship.

My religion tells me that I am made in the image of God. That God loves me, as I am. I had heard this countless times, and have said it to others, and believed it. But, deep down, I could not accept this. The shame and fears inside blocked me from that love. Today, as I let the light shine into my heart, and accept more and more of the truth, I feel the love of God in a deeper way, and am surrounded by friends who are showing me God's unconditional love in person, each day.

I don't know what decision you will make, it is your choice. I hope that you know that you are loved beyond measure, and that you have the freedom to be yourself. This is what I am learning late (but not too late) in life.
Earnest

 

Well MarthRoyIke, you told her point blank that you are gay and still she persists in trying to change you (this, by the way is one of the most pernicious and pervasive illusions in relationships)...whatever responsibility needs to be meted out when the marriage breaks down can very legitimately be divided equally. You may even want to document this for when the lawyers get involved.

Remember that you are an adult and can walk away from this "arrangement" at any time. You are not responsible for her happiness, you need to remember that. Whatever pain you cause by walking away, it will be temporary. Sure, the memory of it will last, and it will be a painful memory, but that is nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the constant and worsening angst and depression you are setting yourselves up for, yes, both for you and for her.

Most of us here who got married under the same kind of pressure you are now experiencing envy the situation you are in. You know what the issue is and you are at a crossroads that we never had the fortitude to consider. It is ultimately your choice. Choose integrity.

Once again: you were not put on this earth to please everyone!

 

Wow, these kind of discussions make me so grateful I came to terms with things relatively early. Because I did I may not have a lot to contribute to the discussion. I can hardly imagine how difficult this must be. The one thing I will say is that when you talk about the pending relationship with your girlfriend, even when you talk about the potential that it could work you talk about work and struggle and stress a lot--and, yes, relationships, even good ones, can be a lot of work but I don't think they should be a constant struggle. I've been with my partner for 16 years and while we have had periods we had to work through and we do work to keep things fresh and to maintain our closeness, our relationship itself isn't a struggle; it's not work--it's a calm and joyful refuge from all the things in life that we work at, struggle with and stress over. I can't imagine going into a relationship already thinking it's going to be a constant struggle. You deserve better than that. Your girlfriend deserves to be loved by someone who does so because he can't help it, not because he works hard at it--and to be honest it makes me wonder whey she feels she doesn't deserve that. I hate to be negative but I think it really does boil down to hurting her now or hurting her over an extended period and then hurting her even worse later on.

 

I largely agree with what most everyone else wrote. Let me take a slightly different approach, and actually answer the question in your thread title.

How much time do we really have to come out? The answer to that is simple. Until the day we die. There is no one standing there with a gun to your head, that's going to force you out of the closet, and you're in a relationship where your girlfriend wants to bury it and pretend that it doesn't exist. This lack of a deadline poses a problem, because it allows you to drag this out for a very long time.

You're also asking the wrong question. You shouldn't be asking: "How much time do we really have to come out?" Instead, you should be asking: How much of my life am I going to waste?

Every day that you live a lie is a wasted opportunity, and regardless of what your girlfriend tells you - that things can work - it's leaving her life in limbo as well. We both know how this story is going to end. Do you think it will get easier after you get married? After you have children with her? We both know that it doesn't get any easier, it just gets harder.

...and so you feel caught. You're caught between what you know you should do, and what you want to do. You know you should be honest, because this will save both of you a lot of pain and heartache down the road. However, you're afraid of the consequences of that, and so you want to try and tough it out. Caught as you are, you feel pressured to make a choice, because you know moving forward things only get harder.

Obviously, fear plays a big role in all of this - it does for all of us. However, there are also very real consequences for you coming out and being true to yourself. What are those consequences? Make a list of all the consequences you can imagine.

As you start making that list, your problem will become easier. You will begin breaking it down, and putting yourself in a position to solve it. Most of the consequences you list will have solutions to them. The other consequences, due to them largely being out of your control, you are in a position to manage them.

Make a list, and take heart that some of the things you worry about probably won't happen. However, writing them down will make you prepared to deal with them, and as a result it will reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed. Writing it all down will give you a chance to wrap your arms around the problem you face, and help you clarify what you should do moving forward.

 

Hi MarthRoyIke

I’m 54 married 26 years and had no idea I was gay until my mid-40s. I came out to my wife a year ago and we agreed to try an open marriage with me having gay friends and sex partners since neither of us wanted to, or could afford to divorce. In recent years our marriage has been sexless and I think my wife is really, and always was, asexual; so from a certain perspective she was not losing or sharing the sexual aspect of our marriage with me having sex with guys.

All this was well in theory but now the hard part. Having been completely open and honest with my wife about being gay and having been given permission to play outside the marriage I now feel guilty and that it would be cheating to meet up with guys for sex. This feeling of cheating has stopped me trying to make friends with gay guys in case it gets physical; this has really had a bad impact on my development as a gay guy. I am now just as frustrated as I ever was, if not more so, and starting to slip back into depression.

My urge for sex has gone through the roof since coming out, but out of respect for my wife I’ve not gone out to play and this is very unhealthy. I am now seriously addicted to porn as my only outlet and can spend 4 or 5 hours a day searching the porn studios for new free content, strangely I don’t seem to be satisfied by porn I already have on my computer, I like new stuff, it’s like the thrill of the chase. This porn habit is seriously impacting my work but still I persist, it’s all I can think about 24/7.

I am also not sure now if just a ”friends with benefits” arrangement, that my wife said she would be ok with, will be sufficient for my needs. The more I read the more I want to be waking up next to a guy and not just a few fours fun every now and then.

As GreatWhale said you are in the enviable position of being able to choose; if I were in your position I would choose to live as a gay man and not expose myself or future wife to years of pain and anguish. I, in an open marriage, would seem to be in the position of having the best of both worlds, but so far it’s not working out for me.

One last thing. This morning I read a beautiful blog on here by Danger Alex, stories like this give me encouragement of a life that could be now I’ve realised I’m gay. Have a read. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/dangeralex/9188-him-me-our-greatest-hits.html

Good luck, and please choose wisely.

Sale Gay Guy (*hug*)

 

OGS makes an excellent point; everyone talks about the work that is involved in relationships, but there has to be a happy medium, it can't all be struggle, that is a recipe for disaster.

 

I have at least skimmed the other posts so I know I may be joining the chorus of echoes, but I think you'd need to do some real introspection to determine what will make you happy.

I am going through a similar process myself and we aren't far apart in age. Take my advice for what it's worth because I am quite early in this process and I think I still have a lot to learn (mostly about myself, honestly). I had a girlfriend who I cared for, who I was attracted to, who I enjoyed having sex with, but in the end she was really just "good enough". We got along fine and if we were in a relationship 50 years ago, we probably would have gotten married, had kids, and lived the suburban American dream. I probably never would have been truly happy, but "happy enough".

One thing I have personally noticed about my 30s rather than my 20s is that I have a better idea of what I really want and what actually makes ME happy. I have gone through a whole lot of education and spent most of my late 20s doing nothing but working and as a result I feel like my personal development is a little bit stunted. I have finally had some time to rediscover myself and my decision to come out was something I thought I'd never conclude.

Because I'm coming out a little later than most, having a loving and completely fulfilling relationship is something I've yet to experience- unfortunately- but I feel like that you shouldn't have to do ANY convincing to yourself that this is what you want..... for what it's worth.

Good luck and keep us updated!

 

Echoing jnr183 here - as you get older, you do start realizing more and more what makes you happy. And what doesn't. If you're already having these doubts now, I can tell you from personal experience that they're going to eat away at your happiness and self-esteem and sense of self-worth over the coming years, particularly if you end up married and "trying to make it work". And eventually you'll have to deal with it anyhow.

I went looking for a good Catholic girl, married the first one who actually showed an interest in me, and we have a couple kids together. I didn't go into the closet for religious reasons (family pressures to get married and have kids, and personal insecurity were my monsters), but still felt pretty compelled to make things work in a so-called normal life.

But those feelings really don't go away, and as you edge closer and closer to middle age, you will find regrets and frustrations creeping into your relationship that really aren't fair to dump on someone you care about. And you will also find yourself shutting down other aspects of your personality and emotions to keep those gay feelings in check, because they become more and more of an obsession the more you hide them, to the point where it's not a healthy thing for you, your potential wife, or any kids you might have in the future.

I'm not sure what faith you practice. We Catholics haven't been very accepting of gays in the past (the party line is that you can BE gay, you just can't DO anything!), but we also believe that your decisions are based on your conscience, and mine says "too bad, God made me gay and I'm not going to be gay alone". You are who you are, and if your faith can't accept it, there are other options. Faith may be inspired by God, but religion is created by people, and if yours can't accept you as you are, then there are others that will--and they may not be that different from the one you were raised in. Being gay doesn't mean you have to give up faith or religion. But you may have to rethink your priorities a bit. Just remember that being gay, even out and gay, doesn't mean you have to give up your values and beliefs completely. But a relationship goes both ways, and if the relationship with God that you were brought up with means burying yourself, maybe it needs some adjusting. If you identify as completely gay as it sounds like you do, this will eat away at you and could very well end up destroying your relationships AND your faith. You deserve better than that.

 

I think it is best you cut the rope here, it sounds more and more like you two should be best friends instead of dating. It just clicked in my brain that in you I see someone much like myself.
What you're doing in this position I mean.
You're playing the role of the "martyr" not in it's literal sense, but in a social sense. You are killing yourself by hiding who you are in order to ensure others happiness. I should know I filled that role for 20 some odd years, sacrificing my needs, my wants, my goals, for the happiness of those involved in my life. I didn't make a change until my therapist told me that "You need to stop living for everyone else, Life is about you. While it is ok to consider everyone's feelings, you can't always make the choice that benefits them and leaves you with nothing, in this case happiness, It's ok to live for yourself once in a while, make choices that benefit you rather then others, it may upset some people, however they will soon realize that your happiness in whatever manner, is far more valuable to them then your sacrifice."

 

You have all the time in the world you need to accept yourself. But getting involved in a straight marriage is going to be a life long struge. Please keep in mind being gay is much more than just a physical attraction. You will be missing the emotional need and ultimately your wife will also. Its just not fair to either of you. And the struggle only gets harder as you get older.

 

"Of course there's no change, you WANT this"

Herein lies our fundamental disagreement with religion. Ok, then WHY do you want this? If anything most of us got into our unfortunate situations because we WANTED to be "normal"! We told ourselves it was just a fantasy (call it perversion if you like), most of us could not distinguish between what was innate and what we could change.

Straight people cannot understand just how deep our orientation resides, if they did, they would accept readily that this is a fundamental part of who we are.