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losing my mind

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInside, May 22, 2014.

  1. LostInside

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    My emotions are so erratic lately. I can't concentrate on anything and don't really have the motivation to either. I'm a naturally very shy and nervous person so when I'm stressed it's ten times worse. I feel like i really need space from everyone and everything and just be alone for a week or so. I need to rest my brain and relax. My boyfriend and i are talking about going on vacation together, but that's not for a while and the thought of it is stressful too. I feel like i need to escape now, but it's not possible. I have to work even though it's a crummy ass job because at least it's money coming in. I feel like everything in my life is wrong and don't know how to begin to build a real life for myself. Then it comes back to the depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, self destructive thoughts, anger etc. and motivation goes down to nothing. I know that if i don't change something it can never get better, but that's not enough to get me to put in the effort. Even though i am miserable it's mostly what I've felt my whole life and have become comfortable with it i guess. I don't think i know how to feel happiness. Once in a while i will have a great couple days and be in a great mood and it gives me hope that i can feel happy and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and i feel like all joy has been removed from me. Those days are much more frequent and are just horrible. I find it hard just to get out of bed most days, actually fell behind on a couple bills because I'm too depressed to care, not that i didn't have the money. It was actually only one bill, but not normal for me. I used to care. :rolle: I also feel very much on edge and like i could just snap at the drop of a hat. I feel like i might say or do something stupid and have no control over it. Not a good way to feel.
     
  2. GreenMan

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    Ahh sweetheart, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. I feel somewhat similar myself. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can put some focus towards in your free time? I know the idea can seem too insignificant when you're feeling like shit, but I've found it can be helpful, *especially*(this is the most important part) if it's something with the potential to help you build confidence. That way you have one thing, separate from everything else, that you can keep working at to improve your outlook gradually. Wish I could help more. Been feeling bad myself tonight also, take this hug (*hug*) :slight_smile:
     
  3. LostInside

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    I really don't have any interest in anything anymore. I literally feel like i am just waiting to die. I don't ever do anything fun. Most i do is work and hang out with my boyfriend. I've distanced myself from my family a lot recently and i have no friends other than my boyfriend. I don't want to interact with other people because i guess i feel unworthy of their time. I hate myself so much that i often hope something bad will happen to me. When I'm driving and see a big truck going in the other lane i fantasize about crossing over the line and smashing head on into it. Or passing over railroad tracks i think about just stopping on them. I have a lot of built up anger and its starting to spill out like i can't keep it contained anymore. I know I'm spiraling down, but i don't know how to get back up.

    The idea of a hobby sounds good, guess i need to think of something. Any suggestions for hobbies that build confidence? I have zero confidence in myself so i think something like that could really help.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    All of the feelings you describe are coming together like a big snowball that's gathering more and more momentum and you definitely need some time and space to work through it all. I'm just wondering if you've sought medical help or support from a counsellor/therapist? It's going to be very hard for you to go it alone with all of this and having someone to talk it through with could be very beneficial, if you are willing to go down that route.
     
  5. TheStormInside

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    LostInside, I have to echo Linco and suggest you look into some kind of counselling for your depression. It sounds like you've reached a point where you can't handle it on your own anymore. Have you shared these feelings with your boyfriend? If it feels too overwhelming to seek help on your own try to let him know you need help with this and maybe he can help you find a therapist to talk things out with, and address some of the emotional issues.

    I have anxiety and depressive disorders myself, so I've definitely been where you are right now. You can get through it, but you have to be willing to put a little work in. I'm not sure how much your sexuality is contributing to your current depression as you haven't said, but considering you are posting here I am guessing it's a major factor. I've also been going through a questioning period myself and it's been causing major flare ups in my anxiety, so I can relate. If you need to talk, I'm here.
     
  6. LostInside

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    I have an appointment with my therapist Thursday, been going to her for a while now. I recently came out to her a couple months ago and i have shared my feelings with her about my boyfriend. I haven't been as up front with her about my suicidal feelings because i don't want to get put into a mental facility. I feel like that's where I'm heading though. I was put in one several years ago and my sexuality was a major factor then, but not the only factor. Its the main factor that just adds to everything else that makes me feel so depressed. I'm on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, but they can only help so much.

    I feel like a horrible person because I've been with my boyfriend for so long and all i can think about is being with a woman even though he is a great boyfriend. He is aware of my feelings, but he suffers from depression also so he can't offer much help. Of course he thinks we can still make things work, but I know we can't. I need to just tell him that and be firm with him about it. Its so complicated right now though with other stuff that's going on...ugh. I feel so trapped.
     
  7. TheStormInside

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    I'm glad you are in therapy already and are being open with your therapist about your sexuality. I'm not sure what she can do if you tell her you are having vague suicidal ideations, but please tell her or your boyfriend if you start to feel very serious about trying to harm yourself. Even if it lands you in a facility that is better than dead. You may not think so now, but future you will likely be thankful.

    You sound a lot like me, I am also on psych meds and have been in therapy for a long while. My ex bf also suffered from severe depression, which ultimately is what ended our relationship (I couldn't handle his problems on top of my own, pretty much had a breakdown attempting to do so). What has your therapist said about your relationship with your boyfriend? It sounds like you want to end it but feel like it's not the right time to do so because of other things going on in your lives?
     
  8. Kaiser

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    I just want to first copy two things I have posted elsewhere, on this forum, because your situation with depression reminds me a lot of myself, and where I was at one time. Also, it is probably the best thing I can say in response:

    And this:

     
  9. PatrickUK

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    @LostInside, please try to be honest with your therapist about the suicidal feelings. Sharing these feelings now is really important.

    It's not unusual for people who feel very low to experience suicidal feelings - it's quite common, because nobody wants to live a miserable life with depression. A good therapist will understand this and will not automatically hit the panic button if you talk about these feelings. Suicide is not an inevitable outcome so your therapist will want to ascertain how likely you are to move beyond feelings to making definite plans. If it's only feelings she should try to help you manage them.

    If you really are scared about sharing these feelings with your therapist do try to talk to someone. Maybe a mental health or suicide prevention line that offers confidential support?
     
  10. paris

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    I know what you mean. I started to be very much like that around November. I hardly left the house. I missed my exam because I wasn't able to even open the textbook. I totally messed up my sleeping pattern and felt tired all the time. I wasn't exactly suicidal but the idea that I'd be better dead crossed my mind many times. It really scared me and I decided to consult one of my TCM teachers. She recommended me some herbs that I've been taking since. It helped me to get my depression more or less under control. It's still not perfect but it's been getting better.

    You know this is a complete bullshit, right? (*hug*)

    If you have enough energy, maybe you could try kickbox, slimbox, or a similar workout that helps to vent pent-up aggression and anger?

    It's not a hobby though but what about buying something for your future apartment, the one where you'll live alone I mean? I'd probably buy a painting, something nice and positive, choose it very carefully and hang it in my current place as some kind of a motivation. Or you can paint it yourself?

    The one thing that's helping me is a 100-day challenge. We learned that if you want your body and mind to adapt to something new you have to do it for 100 consecutive days at least. I started doing something small for my body. There are days when I feel like 'nah, I'm gonna skip today' but so far I've managed to keep going and not giving up makes me feel good about myself.
     
    #10 paris, May 24, 2014
    Last edited: May 24, 2014
  11. LostInside

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    I just want to say thank you to everyone who has replied, i really appreciate everything that has been said. Its also comforting to know that I'm not alone even though i feel a lot of the times like i am.

    Kaiser - I think your post hit the closest to everything i have been feeling for so long. You were able to put into words how dark the despair can be and how much it effects every aspect of your life. Even simple things like people smiling at me or giving me a compliment causes so much pain because i don't believe it to be true. I believe that people are just doing it to be nice and that they actually don't care. I turn everything into something negative because that's what depression does, it destroys everything.

    After reading everyone's replies i really did start to feel better about my situation and felt a glimmer of hope. THANK YOU! I really needed that.

    Its not going to be easy, but i know what i have to do if i want to beat this monster and finally start living at 30. I want to be able to enjoy things i used to and try not to be so closed off to everyone in my life. I've been so afraid to just be myself because i don't feel i am worthy of other peoples time and that they wouldn't like me if they knew the real me.

    I am worth talking to and people will listen if i talk. I need to fight the dark feelings in my head because all they want to do is destroy me. They have come terrifyingly close so many times to winning, but its time i start trying to fight it instead of letting it just take over my thoughts.

    I am so very grateful for finding this forum, its really helping me to start moving in the right direction even if i haven't actually changed anything yet. Its still progress and is a victory. The way i think has changed quite a bit since joining this forum and i am slowly learning how to accept and love myself for who i am.
     
  12. Minnie

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  13. LostInside

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    TheStormInside - As for what my therapist said about my boyfriend...she has tried to assure me that i am not a bad person for feeling this way and that a lot of people go through it. She understands the connection i have with him and how hard it is for me to think about ending our relationship and how scared i am about it. She's not trying to rush me into anything, just there to listen and offer support and insight. She said she trusts my timing and that when i am ready i will go through with it. She says that its also unfair to him to keep the relationship going when my heart really isn't fully into it in a very respectful way. Its true, but right now things are complicated. She knows i have talked to him about my sexuality and that he thinks it can still work. She said its great that we are taking about it, but at sine point it might become manipulative because he wants to good onto me and what we have no matter what. I am kind of starting to see that he might be manipulative without meaning to because he doesn't want to lose me.
     
  14. Kaiser

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    As cliche as this is going to sound, you have to remember, it is always darkest before the dawn.

    Your therapist can be a big help. But that's it. They can only help you, they can't solve your problem. To do this, you are going to have to overcome your insecurities, your fears, your negativity, and you will have to do it practically alone. You may have help, you may have support from others; you still have to reach up and take these hands. You will have to decide, you no longer want to be like this, and to grab hold and pull yourself of out darkness.

    It may appear daunting, even discouraging, but you will discover... all this energy and focus that works against you, can be used to work for you. It's all about priority, and perception. You are obviously very intelligent and aware, since you have noticed the predicament you are in, and this gives you a head start on the recovery process.

    When I look back on my journey, I feel a lot of things, but regret is one I've eliminated from my vocabulary. Even though I wasted precious time limbering in depression, it was because I did that I came to realize, to sympathize, that there are many similar cases. I've come to believe, because I felt like this, that I know what it means to have value, to have purpose to what I do, think, and pursue. Because I have survived darkness, I cherish the sanctity of visibility.

    Turn what is against you into what is with you. You have the power, more so than you realize, to do so. Don't let a plethora of misconceptions and bad feelings deny you of the right to be, to live, to love.
     
  15. TheStormInside

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    LostInside, your post is very moving, and I am so glad to see you are able to look through this darkness to find the light at the end. Depression is a beast, but it sounds like you know what you need to do to fight it. And yes, you are worth talking to and people will listen, we are all here for you :slight_smile: . Sometimes it's hard to find the value in yourself, but realizing others value you, and learning what they value you for, can be of great help in guiding you toward your own self understanding and acceptance. I know how it is, to only see the negative parts of yourself. Sometimes, something that helps me is to think of positive things others have said about me, and to remind myself that hey, those things really are true, even if they're hard for me to see sometimes.

    First off, it's absolutely GREAT that you've been able to be honest and open about your sexuality with your boyfriend, one of the people that this likely effects the most right now, outside of yourself that is. That must have taken a tremendous amount of courage. Second, and you obviously know this, it's absolutely NOT great that he is still clinging to the relationship regardless. It's very sweet that he cares for you so much that he wants to make things work anyway, but I hope he can come around to understanding that even if it's what he wants, it's not going to be a fulfilling relationship for you, and ultimately it'd be shortchanging you both to try to ignore that.
     
    #15 TheStormInside, May 24, 2014
    Last edited: May 24, 2014
  16. LostInside

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    Ugh, back into the darkness i go. I fucking hate this. All the up and down is exhausting. I keep trying to shake it, but its not working. I was in a good mood and then all of a sudden BAM! Smack to the face. It just keeps building and all i can think is negativity. I try to think positive, but its only making it worse. Fuck fuck fuck.
     
  17. GreenMan

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    Learning a new subject or skill(either on your own, or in a classroom setting), exercise, or artistic/creative pursuits like learning to paint/play a musical instrument, or graphic design, computer programming, knitting, potting, gardening. Whatever you like, or once liked.
    Two things I think are helpful: doing something which you can learn by learning new techniques, so that you can improve your capability & confidence in clear steps over time. The other is to do something that can be usefully carried over into multiple aspects of your life. I've found this in academic subjects(rhetoric & communication carried over to my everyday life, and taught me how to reason, communicate and debate more effectively), learning to play an instrument(learning piano taught me more about persistence and the importance of techniques in learning, without those techniques, trying to play is like trying to speak a language you don't know), even somewhat in exercise(taught me more about slow gains). Those examples I pursued independently, through books and the internet(with the exception of exercise, which was self explanatory).
    Exercise obviously makes you feel better about yourself and the way you look, and makes you stronger and more physically capable. You might try a self-defense class of some sort, I never have, but can imagine that it would make someone feel more confident.
    So there are a bunch of good options. If you're going to learn on your own, the big book selling websites are excellent places to find good material. Just make sure to carefully read the reviews to get a sense of whether or not a particular book is accessible and straightforward, and provides a general overview(if it's a subject you're new to). Also, look for guidebooks and things that are simply presented. I've found them to be much more useful than books that are more pop-cultural, for lack of a better term.
    Lastly, don't give up on it. It's not about worrying because you missed some days, or even weeks of practice, it's about returning in stride the next time you're ready! Missed days don't really matter, days when you practice are ultimately the only ones that matter. I hope you'll keep us posted about how things are going!
     
  18. Kaiser

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    What are you passionate about? What do you enjoy doing/learning/feeling?

    Who matters in your life? Is there anyone you love/respect/idolize?

    Where do you want to be? What do you do well/naturally/easily?

    When you start to feel the negativity pour on, ask yourself these questions. Make a list, no matter how large or small, and look at what you wrote down. Get to know these things, these words, and remind yourself every day with a compliment. Even if you say the same thing, keep doing it, and remind yourself of something positive.

    When you're lurking down in depression, you deny the world these things. You deny those around you these things. But worse, you deny yourself the ability to produce or share these things. Nobody, even if they seem superior in or with something you can do, are able to do, or express it, as you do. Just like we all don't learn the same, we all don't experience or love the same.

    You are a puzzle piece. You're the perfect fit for others. You may not have found all the pieces that you connect to, but like with any complicated puzzle, it takes time to match up. Some people just haven't opened their box yet.
     
  19. Casper22

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    LostInside - I can completely relate to everything that you are saying, it is basically how I have been feeling over the past few months. I hope that we both start feeling better!
     
  20. TheStormInside

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    When you get into these low places, just do your best to take care of yourself. If you don't have the energy to look into new hobbies or the focus to do something of interest, just focus on the basics. Getting out of bed, showering, eating, maintaining your typical routine. For me when I'm really bad off doing my best to maintain normalcy in the routine of my life is what seems to keep me grounded. It will also keep you from laying in bed all day and ruminating, which I know is very tempting when you feel like this, but it'll only make you feel worse in the long run. It *is* ok to collapse sometimes if you need to, but if you can try to put a time limit on it so you don't end up sinking deeper and deeper indefinitely.

    Do you have any favorite TV shows or movies? Books? If so, now might be a good time to indulge in them. Often when I'm feeling really depressed or anxious I can't focus enough to read but I might be able to passively watch favorite shows, and though it doesn't solve things necessarily it does keep my mind from spiraling.

    When you're feeling well, grasp onto that as best you can. Maybe take those moments to do as others have suggested, looking into new activities, or doing some mild exercise, things that will help your body feel better and give you a little more fulfillment in your life as an individual.

    I hope you start to feel better soon. You're at a pretty stressful point in your life right now so it's natural that you are having a particularly rough patch, but you will get through it :slight_smile: .
     
    #20 TheStormInside, May 25, 2014
    Last edited: May 25, 2014