Last night, I went lap swimming at a nearby high school pool. Well, I sort of went lap swimming. It technically was "rec night." But rec. night is pretty dead these days, making swimming for exercise viable. Long gone is the era when they needed 3 lifeguards on duty. Now they have only one lifeguard, and last night they could have gotten by with a third of a lifeguard, if such a thing were possible. I started swimming again in the last few weeks. Part of that was that, in the past, it has seemed to help with depression. Then, I came across some YouTube videos in the last week or two that had inspired me to attempt to improve my aquatic competence. And...it seems like both goals are pretty much shot to hell. The depression went into remission, but is now back with a vengeance. And my freestyle is just as lousy as it was 2 weeks ago. Indeed, as I left, I commented to a staff member whom I've known since 1998 something like: "I swim like Jack Benny played the violin. Except he was only putting on an act." Or something like that. That same staff member is a coach. She was working with a group of kids last night. And I was reminded once again at how good she is at encouraging people whom she coaches. And on my way out--about the time I made my Jack Benny crack--she was talking about some party she was planning for (I gather) some team she coaches. I left feeling a huge wave of depression. Once again. I envy those diving kids. They have a place where they can feel like they belong. I don't. No matter where I go these days, I feel like an outsider. Someone who doesn't belong. Whether its lap swim at a pool, or coffee hour at a church. The diving kids have someone who actually knows them encouraging them. I don't. And they even have a party to look forward to. My next social event is currently scheduled for "Never." Next stop after the pool was Target. Where, predictably, I saw the cute couple studying the $5 DVDs, looking, one supposes, for something to watch while snuggling on the couch. And once again, I think...that'll never be me. I also have to endure the cashier chirping: "How is your evening going?" Etiquette says I'm supposed to say: "Fine." But I was so cranky by that point that I decided screw etiquette, and said point-blank: "Don't even ask." The cashier got the point that things weren't going well...and yet managed to forget that when I left, chirping some nicety about having a nice evening. Did you not hear and comprehend that my evening has not been good? I steamed, as I marched out. Years back, I read Two-Part Invention by Madeleine L'Engle (author of A Wrinkle in Time) talking about her marriage. It seems to me she had something to say about bad periods. Stretches of dead desert that you had to go through to get to the next oasis. I feel like I'm in an almost endless desert right now; I just wish I could find a way to an oasis soon.
A cashier in a coffee shop once asked me how my day was going .. and instead of saying "fine thanks" I said automatically "VERY badly"… upon hearing this she gave me the coffee for free … which was nice, but did not really make me feel any better! The problem with the lap swimming is that you feel an outsider .. and don't push yourself because you feel you may never fit in. This is a vicious circle. And of course a young group of swimmers are going to be all energetic and carefree .. and have their own social lives all sewn up. Maybe you can try other social groups that are principally closer to your own age… But swimming sounds very good starting point for general fitness and wellbeing. I hope this down period has some up moments soon (*hug*)
Hi bmc77, So sorry about your current blues. I almost thought this post was going to have a happy ending. Actually, I thought you were going to end up arranging for that coach to help you with your strokes. She sounds like someone who might lift your spirits just being around her. Maybe you could ask her if she's available to give you a couple of coaching sessions. I love swimming and find it very peaceful. Good luck!
I've tried several other groups, and no luck so far... :tears: There certainly is no hope of meeting anyone at the pool I went to last night. Or maybe I should say very little hope. The people participating in the programs has dropped. Years back, they had true lap swim 5 days a week, and there were people my own age coming. Now most of those people have gone to other pools (mainly, I'm guessing, a YMCA). I probably should consider the YMCA, but they are $$$$$. And there are no guarantees I'll meet people there, either, and there isn't even the "well there are services I'll benefit from" justification. The only service I'd care about is a pool, but I can get that for less from the school district. I know this, but even so I see the younger people at that pool...and it just reminds me of how alone I am everywhere. If I had one local friend, I probably wouldn't care about whether or not a team is getting a small party hosted by the coach or not. Thanks. I hope so, too. I don't honestly know how much longer I'm going to last if things don't get better... ---------- Post added 24th May 2014 at 12:10 PM ---------- I have toyed with various possibilities of finding outside teaching (I'm not sure I'm good enough for "coaching" yet...) Options tend to be limited, and at this pool can be downright frustrating. (I've had this discussion before with them.) One supervisor thought last week something might be possible, but...who knows? This summer will be a bad one for resources, and the resources always go to the kids' programs first. If only I lived near Seattle. There's actually a LGBT US Masters swim team up there.
I'm sorry that you're feeling down right now(*hug*) That said, (and noting that I am NOT a swimmer in any form) it seems to me that you're perhaps expecting too much of yourself if you think you should be showing marked improvement in your swimming technique after only 'a few weeks' of effort. Unless you've been essentially living at the pool and practicing like you're preparing for the Olympics on a near daily basis, then its going to take more time than this to see any significant improvement or advancement. There is also the issue of just what, specifically, you are trying to improve. If you're technique needs work (rather than your endurance, say) then I would suspect that you probably will need some sort of external resources or coaching to help you with this. Otherwise you seem likely to end up in a situation where you can freestyle longer and faster but aren't actually doing it any better. Doing something wrong (instead of being coached on how to do it better) doesn't seem likely to result in improvement. If an actual coaching session with someone is not an option (and maybe you could talk to one of the coaches about paying them a nominal amount for a bit of private coaching), then might there be information online on how to improve your technique? You said there were some videos that inspired you, perhaps there are some that provide more actual direction... Regarding finding folks to socialize with - If you're not actually in an area with an ongoing active LGBT community/social life, perhaps a modified approach might work? Could you perhaps arrange to take a long weekend or other vacation to somewhere like Seattle or another major LGBT center along the West Coast so that you could at least be around people for a bit? Ok, obviously this is a far cry from some regular weekly or biweekly thing that you can just make a part of your life - but it is something and (if you liked it) you might be able to make it a regular part of your year, perhaps even several times a year. And it might result in meeting some folks and making some friends you could stay in touch with the rest of the time. Just some thoughts, Todd
It is so frustrating. I understand. One thing to remember: the couple at Target isn't necessarily happy. I've been in a relationship that looked great on the surface, but I was miserable. Sure, being in a couple can be great, but it's not everything it seems. And don't get suckered into to believing that living in Seattle fixes everything. If you moved to Capital Hill, it's not like 200 eligible bachelors will approach you, "Gosh I'm a j.Crew model with a trust fund, and you seem great." Big city? Smaller city? I don't think it matters. My ex and I met each other online, and he lived 45-60 minutes away. Instead, I think that patience and confidence are going to help more than anything. Getting help with your depression will take some of the burn away. So if you are alone on a Friday night, it might not feel so empty. You're still trying, you're reaching out to us here. Think of all of the other guys around who feel the way you do. You just haven't met them yet. You're doing okay; I promise.
Yes, it does take time. And I try to be realistic about that. I certainly am realistic about some issues. After nearly a year off, there is no way I'll have the non-stop distance I had a year ago, let alone the distance I had years back. But...I'd like to see something to give a glimmer of hope. One problem: even though time has passed, I find myself remembering all too vividly frustrations of the past. Also I am noticing that the YouTube video ideas which seem so nice and simple when they are demonstrated for YouTube are hard to actually get working in the water. And it is technique I'm concerned about. And I'm afraid you are right about the external resources are necessary. And I'm almost afraid it'll mean actual coaching. Unless I just pull the plug on the project and go back to just walking. At this point, I cringe at spending even the money for pool admission, let alone coaching, and if swimming isn't going to help keep the depression more manageable, it's hard to justify. Actually not a bad idea, at least for meeting LGBT people. (I still would like local friends, but they don't necessarily have to be LGBT.) But...I have bad cash flow. I have considered separately Seattle overnight for one reason or another, priced the cost of staying up there, and immediately forgotten the idea. ---------- Post added 24th May 2014 at 05:51 PM ---------- I won't get suckered. Seattle is attractive in that there are more opportunities with groups, etc, but I am well aware that there are no guarantees that those groups will lead to anything.
"'Fun' Friday Night" passed to be replaced by..."Mixed Sunday." The bad part, and possible proof there is a cosmic sense of humor that can sometimes be cruel: I rode a bus earlier. A man and woman boarded said bus and sat right in front of me. And began kissing. Regularly kissing. Right before my eyes. Well, it was right before my eyes before I averted my eyes, and looked out the window instead. Even so, I had to listen to the constant smooching. This comes, of course, on top of my struggle of feeling incredibly lonely, and increasing pessimism that I'll ever even have a friend, let alone anyone to kiss. I had to endure this torture for about 5.9 miles and ten minutes. I was so happy when they got off. (Left the bus, that is, not "got off" in another sense. :lol Interesting part of the day came after a church service, I was talking to someone during coffee hour about church growth, and the difficulties involved. I mentioned frustrating conversations about church growth I'd had at one church (which I had attended semi-regularly the last year). I cited as an example the fight about LGBT issues that took place before my time, including the sense that I have that some put church politics and membership numbers above doing the right thing. After talking about this old church, I suddenly realized the man I was talking to was looking very intently at my PFLAG bracelet... I have no idea if the man I talked to knows what the bracelet means. There are, as I've said, other rainbow bracelets out there. Still...I amuse myself thinking I perhaps came out and didn't have to say a word... Oh, yes, the interesting part: the man I was talking to wasn't just any man. He was the senior minister at that church I went to today. So I might have effectively come out to my Very First Minister.
