Preparing for the Conversation with the Wife

How painful it must have been for you.. As a younger person I don't really know to respond to your post but can say that I shall pray for your happiness. But I have noticed a very crucial point in your post-- the fact that you never had a sexual relationship with men except for a "few casual encounters". So somewhere there is a chance that she will forgive you eventually. My instincts tell me that you should try and disclose the truth of your life but in a manner that won't devastate her. Writing it down would be a better option than speaking face to face. Sorry I don't what else to say... good luck!!

 

Disclosure is a difficult question, because in the end, it just causes pain with very little to gain, for either of you. Yes, this may sound self-serving on your part, but coming to terms and coming out need not involve causing more pain than is necessary.

Have you gotten tested for STI's? It's a scary thing to do, but necessary for both of you to know that you are negative.

 

What do you plan to say if she asks you specifically if you've been unfaithful to her?

If you aren't sexually intimate its not as critical for her to know any details. If you have been intimate idk if I were in her place I would want to know. I think its kinda up to her how much she can handle, then again thats not something you can ASK her because it'll probably provoke her to think "the worst".

I'm really sorry you were basically forced to keep this secret for so long and doubly grieved that you will likely lose your job when you come out

Your wife will be hurt, but I also hope she feels some compassion for you and your predicament.

 

Hello marriedover50. First of all thank you for your words of support on my new thread (just when I thought things were getting more positive..). I disclosed to my wife a few years ago - it has taken since then for some acceptance to grow and things are much less tense and painful than they were. My health is more of an issue for her now.

My advice would be not to give your wife all the 'gory detail' about your encounters with men in the past - this is unnecessary I feel - and she may not wish to know anyway. My experience has been that it is the betrayal and deceit (.. I too was unfaithful) that is the really painful part - less so, my sexuality. Give her time and space to adjust and adapt.

I couldnt help but note your comment about the likelihood of getting fired from your job - isn't that illegal in the US? Plus...why do you have to come out at your place of work anyway? This is a private matter for you and your wife and no business of anyone else unless you choose it to be.

 

Hi marriedover50. Thanks again for your thoughts. Ah - I see your job situation now. Hope you can find a good alternative.

 

Hi marriedover50

Wow, I thought that coming out to a spouse was the hardest thing to do but you have a higher mountain to climb and you show great courage in your determination to become a truly authentic being.

I don’t know how to best advise on withholding the whole truth from your wife in order not to hurt her more than absolutely necessary. I suppose on one side you could argue that since you have not had a relationship or full blown sex with anyone else during your 24+ year marriage then you have been extremely faithful. How many marriages last 24 years these days? The real issue I guess is if you do withhold the information and your wife asks you outright a) can you convincingly lie about the subject, and given your faith and profession I guess that would be very hard and b) could you handle the moral deception. I guess it’s a discussion you will have to have with the guy upstairs.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best and hope you still remain friends with your wife whatever the outcome. Good luck also with the job hunting.


Sale Gay Guy

 

marriedover50:
I'm married and over 50. I came out to my wife accidentally about 3 years ago. She felt betrayed and lied to. (We had been married over 30 years. I've always been gay.) We went to counseling. It helped to have a third party there to "mediate" or pull out issues and put things in perspective.
Now, stop the self hatred. I have found that being gay is a gift for me. It is who I am and has given me skills and insights that other people could dream to have. I read The G Quotient: Why Gay Executives are Excelling as Leaders. Being a gay man in a straight world really gives me so many advantages. Although it may seem like a burden sometimes, I wouldn't give up being gay.
I can't tell you what to do in your marriage. I have decided to stay with my wife and be true to her. My therapist says I'm a 5.5 on the Kinsey scale, so I use that .5 with my wife.
It's not exactly what I want, but its something. And I often have to fantasize about certain men while we are intimate.
Hang in there. It gets better.
Tracker

PS: Ask me anything. We old guys need to stick together. We are all in this together.

 

Hi all,
Yes, us 'old guys' (I prefer the term 'more established' .. although that seems far from reality these days!!)…do need to stick together. This particular thread has been helpful. I have been trying to prepare myself for a more fully developed conversation with my wife. She knows I'm dealing with some 'interest in men' these days but that I don't really know how big it is for me or how to sort it out. This has left us in a nasty limbo. My therapist tells me to let my thoughts and fantasies expand as they are not hurting anyone (in that my values won't let me be with a man while married unless my wife knew.. which she'd never agree to)… so we are looking for a marital therapist who can help us 'together' I hope. I've also delayed this as I feel she has no supports if this unfolds with me wanting to leave the marriage and be with men.

My self-hatred and self-blame and loathing is pretty high right now too. I try to work on it with my therapist and by reading a lot… mostly have found the work of Brene Brown most helpful about accepting who I am and that I did not have choice and that it was not a 'conscious' decision to get to this point in life with wife and two kids. I now have two friends who know of my struggle and this has been hugely helpful.

I'm interested in knowing how others constructed their support network as this unfolds and how they tried to help their wives be supported too?

Hanging in there with you.

 

What do you want?
Do you just want her acceptance? Or do you want to work towards splitting up as amicably as possible?
Prepare mentally for the worst, in case it comes to that.
Give her time to absorb the info, and ask questions.
not easy.

 

I wish I could say I was able to construct a support network for my wife, but the truth is, she's a different kind of person and has a very unhealthy tendency to enjoy being the victim of evil fate and mean people. I've encouraged her to talk to her "therapist" (actually a neighbor who IS a therapist), sent her a link to the Straight Spouse Network (which she has never opened, to the best of my knowledge), and I have told her over and over that I'm comfortable with her talking to absolutely any close friend about it. When I told her, I had the understanding in my mind that she just might tell the world in retaliation, and I was prepared for it, and accepted the fact that once she knew, I might very well be out to the world almost immediately. (Didn't happen. She seems to have taken over the open seat in my closet.)

I didn't have anything to "confess" (well, besides that little "I'm gay" thing), so that was one less worry, but personally I don't think I would mention the incidents, particularly since they weren't all-out sex anyhow. If she asks, assure her that there has never been anyone else, because really, that's basically the truth. What I WOULD do is imagine the most horrible, awkward few questions she could possibly ask, and be prepared to be able to answer them honestly and without becoming defensive. You are very likely to be interrogated, and being prepared and calm will make it much easier, on both of you. You, because you will feel less rattled, and her, because she will feel like this is something you have thought out rationally and with concern for her.

And Tracker57 is right. Lose the self-hatred any way you can. You didn't choose to be gay, and you had a lot of personal and cultural and psychological reasons for not acting on it 30+ years ago. I knew when I got married that guys turned me on (I couldn't bring myself to say "I'm gay"), but I didn't feel that being out was an option, and I made the best of it because I loved her as much as I was capable of doing. In fact, if my wife had been a more open and caring person who actually loved me as a person (which I'm beginning to question if it was ever the case), it's very possible that I might not have felt the same compulsion to come out. But beating yourself up will not make the discussion easier for either one of you. Be prepared and confident, and understand that this is not something you are doing TO her (although she will see it that way)--it's something you are doing because you just can't NOT do it anymore.

 

You have my sympathy and prayers. I came out to my wife 2 months ago, and it has been incredibly painful for both of us. We have a strong relationship, and we have remained caring of eachother, even respectful, but the reality of it is, it is painful. It just is. The comforting part of it, as I accept the pain, is that I am less afraid of going through it now. I don't have to fear what if she knows, she knows. And we are talking, in a very real and honest way. I have not acted yet on my desires for a man, but I do not think that would have made a difference for my wife. The fact that I held back, uncounsciuosly in the past, and then while I was trying to understand my feelings, that was what hurt her.

I am also a pastor, currently serving in a congregation. After talking to my wife, I told my bishop my story. He was more understanding than I could have imagined. He told me to gather up a support network for myself and my wife, and this has been a life-saver for both of us. I do not think I would have the strength to go forward into a healthy and whole life, without strong support from people I trust. In addition, they have been able to affirm my vocation and calling in ministry. (Which I thought would end when I came out.) i have encouraged my wife to talk to friends, and she has chosen several she trusts. Their calls, text messages, and visits for coffee have supported her when I cannot. (It is too painful for her when I try to reach out)

We are still working out our relationship, knowing that it will not be the marriage we thought we had. But we are trusting God, and the process of taking steps towards wellness, whatever that might look like. Once we come to a decision, my hope is to find a way to come out in the church. It may be accepted without much problem, or it could cause real problems. Regardless, I do not want to live in the shell that I have been in my entire life.

I would also chime in and say how important it is to forgive yourself. You are worth it.
God bless you my friend.