I'm feel stuck and would like to get some advice on how to proceed. This is my story (sorry about the length): I grew up in a small rural Alberta town of about 5000 people. I have very supportive and loving parents. I'm the youngest and have 3 siblings. I always had some friends but was never into sports much and had trouble connecting with other guys. About grade 8 I made a conscious decision to be well liked at all costs. I was pretty successful at this, while I was too geeky to every be popular I was well liked and I had a ton of fun in high school. I now worry those may be the happiest days of my life. During this time I learnt what to say and how to act to be one of the guys. I never really gave much consideration why I was only concerned with being around the guys and ignored the girls. This could have been a hint. The bigger hint was fantasizing about guys. I chalked it up to being normal and all guys did that just never talked about it. I just assumed once I went to the city I'd find a girl I liked and that would be it. The other problem of being in the closet is other guys will tell you exactly what they think of gay guys. I know some of these attitudes have changed but it still is in the back of my mind. I don't have a lot of regrets from high school days. Where I feel I missed opportunities was once I went to University. There were enough of my high school friends we all continued to hang out. I never put in the effort to meet new people. Which was a mistake. I finally admitted to myself at 23 that only watching gay porn wasn't normal and that I was gay. I was living with my brother at the time and decided to wait till I finish university before dealing with anything. I'm a master of procrastination. I still did not utilize any resources that were available to me. I eventually moved out on my own and did meet some gay friends through online sites. Because I really never had to make friends. The friends I have now are the same ones I was told were my friends by my parents when I was 6, I really get shy and nervous around new people. I did tell one of my few girl who is a friend and she was really supportive. This would have been about 5 years ago. Most of all my friends though are guys and the thought of telling any of them terrified me (still kind of does). I was never scared to tell my parents and did work up the courage to do that 4 years ago. I went to my parents home and got there late . My mom was still up but my dad had gone to bed. I struggled through it but told my mom. I have never stuttered before in but had the shacks and took me a few minutes to get it out. I was going to tell my dad the next day as we were doing work on the yard but couldn't do it. After I left my mom asked my dad if I had told him anything. She called when I got back to my place and said she had told him and he didn't care. When I told my mom I had expressed I was concerned what Dad would think. The problem is that we all get along but my family doesn't really have really conversations so it has never been talked about since. I think they are waiting for me to talk about it. I have told my brother that I lived with and still hang out a lot with. He has accepted it but doesn't really support me or want to talk about it. Since then I have told one guy friend actually my brother's friend but we hang out a bit. He had been making an effort to ensure I knew he was fine with gays so pretty sure my brother had told him at some point. I know it generally makes guys uncomfortable so I don't bring it up a lot with my either of them. My oldest brother lives out about 12 hours away and I really only see him twice a year. We get along great when we get together but not really close. Don't phone or txt a lot. Last summer when I was in Vegas for his 40th one of his friends (girl) was trying really hard to sleep with me. I told my brother's wife that she was barking up the wrong tree and she figured it out. But I have never confirmed it. I saw them recently and it seemed like my brother was fishing for some sort of confirmation. I'm not sure how to tell him seeing that we only really talk a couple times a year. I know he would be fine with it The other problem now is that almost all my friends have moved on in life. They are married and having kids and now I kind of feel like I'm left behind. I still stay in contact and see them a few times a year. Not sure how to tell them for similar reason as my oldest brother. Plus they are the most questionable about their reactions. Strangely even though I don't see them often I have always really have cared about what they thought of me. I'm sure they know as 1) I think the one friend has told other of the girls 2) I have never had a serious girlfriend and stopped playing the role about talking about girls. Nobody ever brings up the subject if I'm dating or not to me either The reason this is all coming up now is a I recently have taken a promotion and am working at a new location. I don't want to repeat the mistakes I made in the past with work. People assumed that I was straight and I helped to keep that image. I think it's a lot harder to then come out so I'm trying to be more open off the start and try to avoid issues down the road. I work for a very inclusive company so not really concerned about there. It's just everyone assumes I'm straight. Not sure how to tell people without making it a big deal. I did join the pride group on the internal social network. I am also going back to university to get my graduate degree this fall (evenings) and also want to let people know I'm gay before they assume I'm straight I always had the theory I would wait till I had a bf and then people would just know. The flaw in that theory is I find it hard to meet guys. If more people knew what I was looking for I might get more help finding someone. It's always easier to meet a friend of a friend than random online guys. In conclusion (sorry that was way longer than intended) I would like some advice on: 1) how should I tell my oldest brother that I don't see very often 2) How should I let friends know that I no longer see very often - kind of thinking of just biting the bullet and posting a pic from a gay bar in my last trip to New Orleans but that also terrifies me as I loose control of who knows 3) How do you let people you work with/go to school know without making it a big deal 4) Finally how do you make new like minded friends I'm not a fan of long posts so to anyone that managed to read all this, it is appreciated.
A lot of people growing up in small towns are in the same boat. You have probably done a great job of acting straight and people assuming you are straight. But at 31 it is time to stand up and be authentic. If you are starting afresh in a new job, maybe just proceed on the basis that, if anyone asks, just be honest and tell the truth. You may feel even braver and simply start telling one or two people even if they do not ask. The grapevine will do the rest ! You can do the same with your old network of friends? Just tell one and the word will get around. Those that stay in touch with you will be the genuine friends.. Your older brother. Well, once your folks know, and your other siblings he will also get the news sooner or later. Or you could talk to him and tell him ? Sounds easy - tho I know it is not that easy. Getting new like minded friends is so important. For this I would suggest activity groups or LGBT groups. I am sure you will find something in your area. Gay hiking groups, social groups, theatre groups, cinema, art galleries etc you name it. Takes some courage but once you get some like minded friends you will have a good support group and your life will feel a bit more technicolor. xx
Thanks for your reply. I do agree specially with work which is my primary focus right now as I am meeting a lot of new people and want to stay a head of the curve. With my old friends I'm pretty sure it has gone around. At least I would hope they would have figured it out or not sure if they are smart enough to be my friends. JK. Just nobody will bring it up to me. Not sure if it is out of respect or fear of awkwardness. With my oldest brother. I think they know but our family has really odd dynamics when it comes to communication in that we don't so even though I told my mom and brother I never told them I told the other. I'm sure my mom told my sister because we are not close. I feel bad for not telling my oldest brother because he would probably be most supportive. Always wanted to help me find a gf in the past, hope he is not wasting his time still looking. He always wanted me to move to where he lives in Winnipeg. Which would be funny if you know how terrible Winnipeg is lol. Thanks for the support of joining a gay group. The thought terrifies me going somewhere I don't know anyone. Its a tug of war between my shyness and loneliness. It's something I really want to know.
Hi Calgary, I just posted a reply to JNR's latest post that is relevant to you. We've got a kind if 31-years-old club going here, which I think is great! I am experiencing a very similar issue of making new gay friends as a recently out gay guy. I am finding that the best way to make new friends is, as you said, through friends if friends. Where I live, gay guys frequently have and go to gay psrties. These are usually house parties of sorts or get together a before going out to a club. All you need is one friend who is more established in the gay world to pull you in. Once you are in, I think you will find that other gay guys are very welcoming. It's on you, though, to take up any opportunity to socialize that presents itself and then really make an effort to talk to other people at the events and then follow up by swapping Facebook info or phone numbers. Once you go to a few of these social events, you will start to see overlap in the guys that attend, and when you see somebody you met at a previous event, the familiarity, even if slight, provides a springboard for further friendship building. When you start your graduate program, your university most likely will have an established LGBT presence, and you should take full advantage if the activities they set up. I wish you the best if luck. Let me know if you want to bounce questions off of me, since we are in a similar place in our gay stories.
Hi Link, Thanks for reaching out it is appreciated. Washington seems like a pretty amazing city. It's on my list of places to visit. Calgary isn't quiet as open city. I have read your posts and feel free to bounce any questions off me as well. Sometimes i regret that I didn't deal with this when I was younger and have had very similar feelings you described. I had a policy of "the easiest solution is the correct solution" which I now realized had some serious flaws. I now have regret and feel like I wasted a decade of my life. I have been looking at LGBT that are at the university but pretty sure that they are all geared for undergrads. Don't know if I would fit in with a bunch of 20 year olds. Though oddly enough we are going through the something. I will explore more once I start.
