Hi I am 37 years old, lesbian and have been married to my loving husband for nine years. This weekend I finally told him that I can't do this anymore. The last four months I have been trying to explain to him what has happened to me, the trauma of my youth, and the deep change that has come about in my life through accepting my sexuality. I just cannot ever ever ever be with a man again, NEVER. And it is not just in bed, the whole thought of marriage makes me block up inside. I find myself pulled to women and repelled by men, the old feelings I had when I was growing up. Sort of a reset of the last 17 odd years. I knew back then that I was lesbian, but due to inacceptance from those dear to me. (all fanatic Christians) and the bad place I was in due to my traumas at that time I somehow managed to push my sexuality so far out of my mind that I even believed I was hetero. And in full conviction got married and had sexual contact with my husband for nine years. And looking back on it I see what a sick and twisted contact it was by me. NEVER AGAIN. I am glad he understands, and hasn't gotten angry. I have hurt him alot and he doesn't deserve it at all. But allowing my sexuality to emerge has changed my life so deeply. I am the happiest person in the world, I have back what was taken from me. It is so deeply amazing. I have suffered my entire life from acute social anxiety and since this change its hold on me is gone. I don't hurt myself anymore, I have turned into a woman before everyones eyes, such a radical change. I have a confidence I never knew existed, and finally a desire to live. All doubts about myself are gone. It is so good. Now I have to tell his family, and my one friend. All fanatic Christians. And wonder how they will respond. I prepare for the worst. The usual: but you are sick, how could you even think such things, its wrong, you going to hell, blah blah blah blah. Well if hell makes me feel as good and right about myself as this, if hell gives me my life back, then bring on the burn baby! :eusa_clap Anyway, just thought I'd start somewhere. Greetings Felicia
Thanks for writing Felicia! Coming out is hard enough as it is- I don't envy people that have to deal with loved ones who feel so strongly against homosexuality. I don't have much to offer at this point other than to tell you what other people have told me- that we are taking the steps we ultimately need to take to be happy. I look forward to reading more about your progress on here...
Hi, Yeah that part is what its all about for me. I am glad you have had a similar experience. It is time for me to just be me.
I am so happy for you Felicia! I am also gutted that you've spent so much time denying yourself.. You are a very strong person to have been able to hold your feelings in for so long! And that is so right! If hell is what it costs to make you feel like yourself again then why not bring on the burn?! Plus I always say to myself (Beause I sometimes think i'm going to hell for this) I think ''Well.. I will go down with alot of great people! Including Ellen Degenerees who has bought more happiness to television then any person gay or straight I have ever seen!'' Well done and Congrats x
Way to go Felicia. The hardest step is over. And you are not going to hell, you are climbing out of it, and becoming more You every day.
I admire your bravery and courage to stand up for yourself. It's a good thing that you have find yourself back again and I do think that good things will happen to you in the long run
