so i picked up my son from an overnight visit with his mom yesterday. she starts about the divorce and how she's changed, nope not even close. about how i am doing all this, we split because of her self destructive behavior and how she put our son in danger with it. then she starts about how she hopes my girlfriend is good.... i don't have a girl friend or any other "friend" this is like an old film over and over and it was on the tip of my tongue to spit out what if it's a Boy Friend? it was spite but i knew i couldn't out myself before the divorce because she'd fight to take my son and he wants to stay here and knows it would be bad if he was there. but she'd put up the "gay" argument, very outdated religious views. the thing is, i don't know if im pissed because i almost blew it by outing myself because of spite or if im pissed with her for not getting it that I am not the bad guy here. my counselor says that since im Bi i don't need to come out to anyone unless i start seeing a guy. rambling now, guess im a bit upset. sorry about that. thanks for reading.
As fot the issue of whether or not you need to come out... I don't think it's your counselor's place to advise what you should or should not do. The important thing for you is what feels right and authentic to you. One of the most important issues that causes problems for gay and bisexual is the secrecy, because the secrecy fosters shame. When we are hiding something because we're afraid of being judged... that fear of judgment makes us feel unlovable, unworthy, unwanted, broken, imperfect, or some combination, and that is really unhealthy. So as far as coming out... the real answer for you is, what feels right to you. If being bisexual (or possibly gay, since you've noted you're questioning) is an important part of who you are, then hiding it isn't healthy. I'm going to point out one other thing you said above, that I might be reading out of context. Sometimes we write things that our unconscious puts forward that our conscious hasn't yet processed, and this might be one of those cases. You said "[maybe] I'm pissed with her for not getting that I am not the bad guy here." Perhaps I'm reading into this, but in saying that, are you saying you aren't the bad guy because it isn't about her, but about not being attracted to women, and wanting to go out with a guy? If so... that might be a pointer from your unconscious to the idea that you're closer to gay than bi. Forgive me if I'm reading too much into it, just thought it might be worth considering.
hey Chip, thanks for the reply. as for coming out and my counselor, i think she means i dont have to come out if i dont want to and since my parents are in their 70's and my son has been through a lot, he's in counseling himself because of the split and everything else going on in the house before, it would be my decision but not something i "have" to do. the other point about not being the bad guy, i meant that she has had mental illness for years and everything gets blamed on me, even the weather at times:bang: she seems to have the point of view that everything is caused by someone/something else never her, she has said she understands that this is, at least partially, caused by her actions but then she contradicts herself and it's someone/something else's fault. as far as i can see it's a Locus of Control issue, i have struggled with this myself and came to the conclusion that, for me, my reality is caused/influenced by my actions and decisions as well as interactions with the actions of others. now as to the more gay than bi? it is certainly possible however, i do feel attractions to women (strongly at times) but i also feel attraction to men ( also strongly at times but i've never even kissed a guy so it may just be the attraction of the unknown, but i don't think so, i feel it's more than that.)
ok, I completely missed the boat As for your wife... being with someone who constantly lives in a state of victimhood is no fun, for sure, and in most cases, that person has to be willing to want to work on the issue (which can be influenced by brain chemistry, making it all the harder)... and many people simply aren't willing to do their self-work. Which pretty much leaves you in a place of just having to put up with it. I do agree that telling parents in their 70s isn't a necessity unless/until you find someone that's a primary part of your life where it's hiding a part of that life from your parents. I also agree that coming out is never something one *has* to do, though what I said above about shame definitely applies. As for the attraction issue... sometimes, when you feel attraction to both, you get a clearer picture once you've actually dated both. A lot of people here have reported that once they accepted being gay, they found that their feelings for men increased dramatically, and their interest in women tended to wane, and I think that's probably part of our self-acceptance process. Of course, that is completely unhelpful if you're genuinely bi. But there's nothing wrong with exploring the feelings and seeing where it leads.
