Lesbians who have been with men...

I'm curious too, I'm in the same position!

TheStormInside: in the meantime, I've been reading through the book "Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire". It's awesome and I totally recommend it; the author is very perceptive and I feel like her arguments are scientifically sound. The most interesting thing she found is that over the course of a 10 year intensive interview study she conducted on gay/bi/straight/unlabeled women is that a good 2/3 of them switched labels at some point. There's a lot of good stuff in that book; definitely worth a read if you're at all confused about flexibility regarding attractions.

 

I spent six years sleeping with/being in relationships with men. For most of those men, I cared about them very much. It was more like a best friend relationship for me than a romantic love, but I didn't know the difference in feeling at the time.
The sex was just okay. I mean, stimulation of that kind is just enjoyable for me, but I didn't know sex could be so much better because it was hard to tell that I wasn't actually sexually attracted to these guys--I just liked sex in general. :eusa_doh: :lol:

Most of what passed as my attraction to men completely went away when I stopped unintentionally forcing myself to experience it. Which is to the good, because now I have a lovely partner and those guys I was with are open to finding someone who could love them like I couldn't.

 

I had romantic feelings but in reality they were just platonic I just really liked hanging out with my ex boyfriend but it wasn't like a real relationship where it was romantic at all , we talked about life politics and just music felt like a friendship really .

 

In a nutshell...knew I liked girls since I was 7 (26 now), was in denial, slept with x amount of guys for sexual reasons only. Never once have I had romantic feelings for a man. Erm where was I, oh yeah got comfortable with who I was age 20, dated girls and that's my weakness-im sexually, romantically and totally 'in-love' with women.

 

I've had six boyfriends over the past 3 years, I would have a mindset where I would think right, new guy, maybe he will give be those butterflies and that spark every girl talks about. but nothing, it platonic; I would follow through with the relationship but it would always end up with me breaking up with them because I 'didnt feel anything'

 

Do you mind if I ask, did things ever get physical, or were you guys totally chaste and really only boyfriend and girlfriend in name?

It didn't get physical at all , we just were in name to us we thought we were a couple we , but we weren't at all .

 

I was in love with him, and I still care about him - what makes it difficult for me to end it but I'm working on it - but for a long time I take him more or less "only" as my best friend.
I remember the first time we had sex I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. I get aroused just fine, but there are some issues. Some of them may be caused by my gender identity (haven't figured that out yet).

The biggest problem is that I just cannot stand to be submissive to him. It's been getting more and more obvious over the years. I enjoy making him climax and having control over him - it gives me some feelings of self-esteem and power, but I just could go completely without him returning the favour because him touching me down there makes me really uncomfortable. And it's never spontaneous, I more or less just follow "How to make him cum for dummies" book and skip the chapters that make me cringe.
(I may be wrong but I think that if one has a strong preference to women it's impossible for them to stay with a man long term without having problems in sex department sooner or later. The momentum will stop one day.)

I didn't know I'm into women back then, it's relatively new, something I realized a year ago. Until last year I lived in a completely gay-free environment, it's changed after I created a twitter account. I learned there are many TV shows in English that portray lesbian characters and I got drawn to watching them. I became like a sponge, sucking in everything LGBT – TV shows, books, fanfics. I don't know, little of this and that and one day something just clicked.
Because of the relationship with my bf I labelled myself as bi at first but later I realized I can only imagine to live with a woman and the idea of it makes me happy. :icon_bigg

 

Hi,

Well in my case I knew I was lesbian at 20, and actually quite anti everything man. And then came the church, I was a fanatic Christian at the time. So I pushed it all deep deep far away so that I did not even know any more I was lesbian. And in this frame of mind I met my husband. When I met him I felt nothing, actually more like repulsion. But I did not want to be alone anymore and well this was the way to go they told me. Meet a man and get married lol. Biggest mistake I ever made.

Sex with him in the beginning I think was for me just stimulus response. Though I definately was and am still very attracted to his soul. Probably the only reason sex ever went with him. We are very good friends, platonic.

Unfortunately in my case, things run very deep, and I realize now that the way I enjoyed sex with my husband was twisted to say the least. Born in abuse. Not from him, from someone else. And I can honestly say that, though I have never been with a woman, allowing myself to feel sexually toward a woman gives me a totally different feeling. It is just so darned right. No other way to put it. It fits me one hundred percent. Also the level of feeling sexually toward a woman, I swear I am alive again after this. Totally a turn around. And I know I will never never never have sex with a man again. Also not my husband, soon to be ex.

 

For me its a bit confusing, but I willtry and answer and help if I can.

I've been married three times in 20+ years. My first husband I stil care about, although he doesn't know much about my feelings for women. My second husband I still live with (very long story). His first wife, as it turns out, was also gay. Up until a few years ago, I would have cared about shattering his feelings. Now I just don't care. Husband #3 I am still legally married to but we don't live together. None of them know how I feel about my sexuality. One and Three might be supportive. Two would throw me out in the street. Since I live with Two I have to keep him relatively happy.

Hindsight being 20/20 I understand much better now why my heterosexual relationships and marriages were such unmitigated disasters. Much of my depressions also make more sense. And to an extent my staying in such abusive relationships as well.

 

oh.. this topic is so close to me. i am 28 now.. i had a bf not too long ago. we broke last year only.. it went on for 2 and a half years. i always was into girls since school.. but somehow with this guy.. it was a little diffrnt. may be its because of all the attention i used to get from him.. plus he was very good looking.. i just thought this is the right thing to do at this point. same as with you... we used indulge in physically... making out and all that but it never 'went all the way'. i used to get aroused easily... and was somewhat comfortable with this physical thing though.. but was never really romantically into him. he started to question me.. as why i'm so casual with him. anyway... i'm still sure i like only girls and can never fall for guys... but this physical comfort with him have started to make me think if i can marry a man and live my life? do i really need to come out to my homophobic parents and friends? i still always think... if i should listen to my parents and get married to a guy.. i may never have to live alone as a lesbian............

 

Maybe that guy was just a one exception

 

I knew I liked girls when I was 7, but being in a very traditional upbringing and being raised Catholic, I was always very confused. In 7th grade my best friend told the whole school I was gay, and it was detrimental to say the least. I moved across country at 15 and acted so straight that I was called a sl*t, and slept with a lot of guys honestly just because they told me I was beautiful. I even married a guy at 19, but he was honestly my best friend, and we didn't have sex. I was constantly pushing him into sleeping with other women; I know that might sound strange.

But to answer you I only wanted to feel accepted, and the feelings for men were only platonic. As far as being attracted to them sexually or their sex parts, I wasn't interested to say the least lol.

 

The bolded is exactly what I was trying to get at in my post. As soon as I stopped (unintentionally of course) trying to feel what other girls were feeling about guys, as soon as I consciously let in the idea of being attracted to women and let go of trying to find attractive things about men everything got a whole lot clearer for me.

I also took some time talking to a straight girl friend of mine and asked her about what she thinks is physically attractive in a man and what that feels like for her.
I then carefully examined what I think is attractive in women and what that felt like to me, and compared it to my relative lack of excitement over men. It all just kind of clicked.

Just takes a little soul-searching and some examination and generally it all clears up.

 

I had the some probably and hit hard when starting transition, I asked myself that. I'm supposed to like men right? However unlike other transgirls solely attracted to women that come across as emasculated straight men because they still like pornstar type women I found myself submissive and extremely attracted to butch women. Femmes, not so much. And thus being honest with myself I love all people, but physically I like butch women.

 

Thank you for this thread! I have been really wondering a lot lately about how to reconcile my past sometimes-enjoyable/arousing experiences with men with my current total lack of interest in them and new attraction to girls. Reading all of these responses has helped a lot! I have especially been confused knowing that I have previously fallen in love with a man, so I have been thinking that that would make me bisexual, in that it means if I have a strong and deep enough emotional connection to someone, I can feel romantically interested in them and enjoy some level of intimacy with them despite not feeling lustful towards them physically--like being attracted to the person, not the gender I guess. However, now that I have given myself permission recently to think about women and look at women and acknowledge my attraction to them, I think I am finally beginning to understand what sexual attraction means, although I have yet to be able to act on it! And if I am right about my being attracted to women, then really that means I am probably gay, because bisexuality would mean actually feeling sexually attracted to both genders in addition to whatever emotional bonding or connection is happening as well.

OK wait, did all of that actually make sense? Or am I getting it wrong about bisexuality?