I can't end my marriage. I want my husband to be happy, I want the best for him! I know that it will be easier if I rip the bandaid off and let him go, I get my goodbye written up, I gather resources for him, and I get ready to take the plunge.....and then I can't. I can't even fathom a life without him there everyday. But everyday, my orientation is an elephant in the room. Every time I think, "maybe we can make this work....maybe we can be in a MoM" and we show affection for each other or get close to each other, it is wrought with pain. It cannot go back to "normal". I feel like I'm leaving his wound open to fester instead of gritting my teeth and putting the stitches in. I have to hurt him more in order for him to heal, but I just.can't.do.that. I can't hurt him. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Oh, I understand so much. It's so difficult to go though such a situation. I am in the exact same as yours. I have letters written up, I try to talk to him about it. But then I chicken out or he says something that reminds me of the old us and all I want to do is go back to "normal". But not understanding my sexuality is killing my life. I have stopped working because of my situation, I have no friends cause they can tell something is wrong. I'm pretty much isolated. My next step to go to therapy I guess, just cause I can't live like this anymore.
(*hug*)I have been married for 11 years and been with my husband for 19 years. We split up a month ago. For 4 years I thought about the old us and how I wanted that back. I fought so hard for that but I couldn't get it back. In the end we separated and its been a very bumpy ride and it still is. However, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A counsellor really helped me to come to this decision. When I started counselling I said I wanted to save my marriage. By the end of it I realised I had given myself up. My life wasn't my own I was living everyone else's. for reasons in my childhood I am very passive and I choose very controlling people in my life. This has made things difficult. However I am becoming more confident. I'm a better and more relaxed mum now. I am free to a point, I will be once I get out of this closet anyway. It's hard there is no denying it but in my opinion it's all going to come out in the end. I was all set for living my whole life in the closet until I had feelings for a woman that won't go away. Nothing happened with her but I'm not sure i have felt this strongly for someone before and I truly loved my husband. Once that happens there is no shutting the closet door. I truly feel for you both because I have been there and I'm well and truly in the middle of the consequences of it all. I am hoping it will all be ok but my husband is threatening to out me to the world so I'm a bit scared at the moment. The funny thing is I never had an affair and I'm 99% sure he did and still is. . I hope you can both sort things our without too much hurt. I'm here if you want to talk. X
Its the hardest thing, I phrased it to freinds when I was coming out to them, as "when is lobe not enough", So I came out, and then was facing within 2 days eviction, which was just way way to rapid, brain melted, and I have retreated somewhat , had to announce im not actually gay, just under a lot of stress, then yes, I just needed the acceptance that if I was gay they would be ok, and that I was not actually, just accepting that part of me, and denying that I am me. So we have not splitup , or moved. For a few weeks i almost believed it also, bymut then it came charging back. Can't see how i can ever ever have that life, or anything, withought going back to plan a and running away from everyone and everything i know, (4 kids) so omg no way will i do that. So were together and im back in . No way will i stay here forever, but have managed to get through the sex side better recently, so she is calm now. So so so hard for us to end it,we love each other. So together, but hopefully will be experiencing what i want but shared with her also. Bit of a best of everything hopefull. Will see how we go with that! Lol Love love love
The other day. I meet my bf after a few days not seeing each other. We are in the car when he places his hand on my thigh and caress me in an intimate way. I get the meaning immediately and freeze for a second or two. He apparently missed me a lot and it makes me feel weird (is that guilt?) because I didn't miss him that much. Yes, I'm happy to see him but wait, did I even miss him? I'm thinking if I should return the gesture. What would he think if I didn't? Why am I even thinking about this? I kiss him on the cheek. He wants to have sex. I tell him I'm still on my period. It's the last day and I'm not bleeding anymore so more or less I use it only as an excuse. He's joking that I'm on my period all the time. While giving him a handjob he tells me many times how much he'd love to actually f(ck me. I ask him what else would he like to do to me. I can feel his passion but all I can think of is how lucky I am to have a plausible excuse, and that he takes long to cum. We go to a pastry shop to have a coffee. He's talking. I'm listening to him with half an ear at first, thinking we should have gone to the other place where's the waitress who makes me always giggle like an idiot. I'm thinking if she's even on her shift today. Then he drives me home. When still in the car I put my hand on his crotch and touch it for a moment. It feels like something I'm supposed to do. Back at my place I wish I have the balls to break up with him already. I need to hold a woman in my hands! Why can't I just end it? It makes me sad but he can't give me what I need anymore... I can't give him what he needs anymore. What am I waiting for? So yeah, why can't I just do it?
