Happy Friday all. I have been told to expect highs and lows with this process and right now I'm just feeling pretty low and downright sad. I don't want this to be a whine-fest but again, writing helps me and maybe others reading this may identify. I don't really know. It's just that sometimes in this process- particularly today- I have been so damn sad. I am not much of a cryer. I wish I could make myself cry... bawl... sob even, just for the emotional release but I can't seem to get it out. Over the last month I have come out to a handful of people but I have kind of stalled out. I have been told that every time you come out to somebody you feel a little more liberated and a little less weighed down. I think the big thing is as I've come out to a few people I don't really feel that relief. Anyone I told has been nothing but supportive, but in my own mind it's almost like I feel a little embarrassed that they know this secret about me. That I'm different than they thought I was. I know I shouldn't care. I know that they don't. I know that they love me, I do, but I can't get over myself. I still haven't told my two closest friends and I feel bad that I haven't. I want to, but I'm struggling with 'loving myself' as much as I was about a month ago. I don't feel proud of being gay. At the moment, I accept that I am but I don't like that I am. Anyone who has read any of my posts may remember that my coming out was really triggered by my falling in love with an unavailable man. It made me realize how much I want to be with a man and how much continuing to date women would only make me unhappy. I've come out to him- he has been wonderful- nothing really has changed between us. He's still so busy with work. I want to get over him and I want to be thankful for our friendship. A big part of my problem is that deep down, I really DO believe that he does have feelings for me. We have an extremely strong emotional connection. Weirdly strong, in my opinion. I believe that he is too busy to process these feelings. He works every day. He's tired. He's stressed. He's just trying to survive. Basically the spark is there but the circumstances are wrong. I could go to drastic measures to make the circumstances right, but the measures would be drastic and even if I believe he has feelings for me, I can't be certain of it. I don't know that I'm right, but I think I'm right and I just can't shake that. Logic and rational thought would tell me to move on or meet more men. I've tried with apps and dating sites to see men that are local and I don't see many men that are of interest to me. I try to reach out to guys on these media but I get little back in return. There isn't an active LGBT community here. I visited a gay couple (longtime friends) a few hours away from me last weekend- they took me to a gay bar and a gay club as I mentioned in a previous post. It was an extremely kind gesture but I didn't feel like I fit in there. I'm just so worried that I'll never meet the love of my life. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a young guy. I'm told I'm attractive. I'm physically active and in good shape. Profesionally I've been very successful. I think I have a very good sense of humor and I think that I'm fun to be around. I am a well-liked person. Girls have been throwing themselves at me for years and I've had to awkwardly avoid confronting their attraction and invitations to date. I don't mean to sound vain, but I think these things are true. I know I'm not perfect, but I think I'm a catch and I'd think there are guys who would (or should!) want to date me. Unfortunately a lot of these qualities aren't translated well into a dating app or website- and it's hard to go meet people in person when there aren't many that live nearby. I'm stuck in a decent job that's in a place where I don't want to live. There aren't many people my age to meet- let alone single gay men- let alone single gay masculine men- at least not anywhere I have looked. I only have a handful of friends here and I don't love the friends I have. They are nice enough and we are friends out of circumstance, but my social life is not rewarding (whereas in other stages of my life it always had been quite rewarding- another reason why I never felt compelled to come out). I spend so much time alone. My job is not terribly busy so it causes me to spend a lot of time thinking about my life, which isn't good when my life is in flux. Then again, all this thinking is probably why my life is in flux. I know what I need to do... I need to put on my big boy pants and deal with it. And get out there and meet people. But right now it just seems impossible to even start with that. Part of me just wants to go back in the closet and hide. I know I can't and I know I shouldn't, but at the moment I want to. This too shall pass. I know I can't expect the forum to solve all my problems. But right now I just want to mope and be sad and be mad about it. Thanks all for listening. I'll try to not be so negative in my next post. Happy weekend.
Just trying to cheer you up a little, Jnr183... You said you were thinking of going back to the closet. "The Hat" here shows us just what that was like: [YOUTUBE]Wbwuv341RC4[/YOUTUBE]
First things first, jnr183 - (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) I've never been a crier either (I'm working on it!), so get what you're saying. Many times over the past year and a half, it would have done me one hell of a lot of goof to just sob uncontrollably for a good hour. Some days it's hell being a repressed Yankee (inside joke...). Remember, there's no timeline to this. For heaven's sake, I was 51 before I admitted being gay or told anyone, so at 31, you're way ahead of me! Hard to convince yourself of it now, I realize, but hopefully you can eventually be proud of that progress. When I first decided to get the ball rolling, I made a few rather grim assumptions that I would be alone for a long time, maybe permanently. I also came to the conclusion that I needed to get involved with things, and not even necessarily gay-oriented things. I knew that I would have to be with people, doing things that I enjoyed, in the hopes that I would meet people I could become friends with, who just might know someone that I'd be compatible with. My thought was, first work on myself, become a more secure and happy and well-adjusted person, be as open as possible about who I was, and hope that eventually that confidence and openness would either make me attractive to someone, or would give me the guts to approach someone I actually WAS interested in. Of course, I never really had the opportunity to put theory into practice, because someone appeared out of the ether and invaded my brain and heart (in an extremely good way!), but I still feel that the openness and honesty were important factors in that. But you'll find with time that people DO start noticing you in a positive way, and as your confidence level grows, it's easier to approach people who could end up being friends, or more. And when the girls throw themselves at you, don't be afraid to say why you're not interested in them! If they like you that much, they might decide you'd be "just perfect" for their gay friend or cousin or whatever. That exposure is all good. It just takes time. As far as Jake goes, be patient with yourself and with him. Some of us fortify our closets by marrying women and some do it by marrying our jobs. If his non-stop work is actually a closet, he will need time and support to get out of it. Be his friend, be supportive, be affectionate even, and let him know you care. From all your descriptions, I think it's worth waiting it out to see what happens. Don't want to give you any false hopes or anything like that, but you two seem to have a very special friendship, so enjoy it and give things time to develop naturally. I get the need to hold a man, and love him. The need will only get stronger once it actually happens. If commitment is in your wiring (as it is in mine), hold out for the chance to see where things head with him. It will be that much more beautiful when it actually happens. One more round, because you need it - (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
jnr183 You said: "I know what I need to do... I need to put on my big boy pants and deal with it. And get out there and meet people. But right now it just seems impossible to even start with that. Part of me just wants to go back in the closet and hide. I know I can't and I know I shouldn't, but at the moment I want to. This too shall pass. I know I can't expect the forum to solve all my problems. But right now I just want to mope and be sad and be mad about it." I say: be sad, mope, climb back into the closet for a bit, just let yourself utterly surrender to all of that - may be even cry a bit because you have. Because of course you are right, you are a good, well-adjusted, humorous, successful, attractive man. You are gay. You find other men attractive and so are loving the bitter-sweet thing you feel for your friend (even if not quite reciprocated) is wonderful and mysterious and a sad and happy. Love life. Love being gay. Its hard. Its shit. Its wonderful. Its liberating Good luck and rejoice..
This....totally this... I love this advice though I'd never think to give it. People need to have time to grieve. Take the time you need to find yourself again.
I just want to start by saying that I feel and have felt exactly the same way. I am gay and have known this for quite some time. I have never come out to anyone and for lots of reasons I have justified in my mind. I have always been attracted to guys and have never really been interested in girls. I have such strong feelings and desire about who I am and who I want to be with. It is so hard to want to express yourself, meet people and develop a fulfilling relationship when just out of plain fear you feel you can't. You have had so much courage to come as far as you have. I am so tired of feeling sad and alone. I want to meet that special guy. You and I are about the same age and I hope one day I can live and love openly.
Admitting to all of us what you are feeling is part of that process. You have to take baby steps and try to take a small one each day if you can. Sometimes you will move forward, sometimes you will move back. But the goal is to work towards whatever makes you happy. Hang in there, you'll find the courage to say it out loud and the courage to find him one day..
I know this is a boy thread, and I'm a . . . seesh, I don't know what I am, except too old to play games with what I feel . . . so: I'm sorry you're so sad Jnr. You took a big leap coming out; brave, cute and smart will count for a lot in the end. Don't be a 'hat'. Not one bit of consolation to you, but you've helped me. I didn't know that the sad, embarrassed, etc is part of the process, thought it was just me. There's (as always) such good advice here. Especially the bit about just going with it. Anyway, I'll creep quietly away, and leave the boys to themselves, but not without a hug and a "there IS the perfect fit for you out there, and right now he's wondering where you are, too" (*hug*)
Thanks everybody for what you wrote- every single one of you. And girls are definitely allowed in this thread, Sig. Just know I am not looking to date you Mercedes: only recently have I ever considered coming out. I always figured I could work around my attraction to men and live a straight life- even reading my first EC posts from when I joined in September.... I have come a long, long way. I have a long, long way to go, as well, but you'll get here too but not a second before you know that the time is right. For me I know that the time is right but even now I am still struggling with being comfortable with and proud of myself. I could be better but overall I am in a much, much better spot today. I worry about being and staying alone. Whether he is straight or not, I miss my friend so much and really miss how we used to be able to see each other day, get meals together, and hang out at each other's houses. I don't have good friends like that in my town and you can't really force friendships like that. They just happen. I get frustrated that he's staying with a girl who he appears to feel so little for particularly when he can't explain why he's still with her. But I digress... Yes I think it will be a period of mourning and moping but I don't need it to be for that long. Greatwhale's video did resound with me and reaffirmed there is no use going back. We only get so many days of our lives and sitting there hiding is a terrible way to spend those. I need to tell my best friends in the next few days- maybe today- always hard to find a good time to tell them, but I will. I think I'm nervous about telling them because they are SO close to me and they have known me for SO long that them knowing is really massive. I am closer to them than my siblings and I consider them basically family members. In some ways it's like finally really truly admitting to myself that I am gay and that there is no turning back. And then I'll tell more people. This next step is pretty big and I think that is making me nervous. It's coming soon, so stay tuned. Thanks again to each of you. While you are all anonymous friends that I wouldn't even recognize on the street, the support you have given me through this forum has really helped me along every step of the way.
I wish you courage about talking to your friends. I have been considering telling a good friend in another state too. I am sure he will be accepting, but just the idea of telling someone in my inner circle scares me. Terrifies me actually. I also understand living in small town USA. I wish for you a good soulful friend.
