I'm a new user to this forum but after reading somoe of the threads, I thought I'd give this a try to help me sort out my feelings. I've been happily married for 25 years but thoroughly confused about my sexuality the entire time. My problem is that I always knew I was into guys since my mid to late teens. I even came out to myself at 18 as bisexual figuring that this was a safe way to go even though I was more into guys then girls. A few years later I met my wife, fell in love and got married. My same sex feelings were still there but I was able to bury them deep in the closet. As years went by, my attraction grew stronger to the point that I couldn't stand it anymore. I decided to come out to my wife as bi about 12 years ago. It was a very difficult time but I promised her that I was faithful and would continue to be in the future. Over the last few years, I've been struggling because my attraction has grown to the point where I think I actually may be gay. I had a conversation with my wife and she came right out and asked me if I was gay and I answered her in a round about way that I think I am. I have not told anyone about my sexuality except her. Here's the catch, I want to stay married to her because I still love her although our sex life is horrible which is both our faults. Is it possible that this marriage could still work? Am I gay or bi? Any advice would be helpful.
I can tell you where I am. The idea that you're either, straight, bi or gay is too simplistic. We are all on a scale. The Kinsey Scale was the first to describe how straight or gay a person is. I personally think it's rare for a person to be 100% one or the other and that under the right circumstances, a gay person could be attracted to a straight person or vice versa. There are some on-line tools to measure this for yourself. But don't fret about what you should be. Just figure out where you are...honestly. I am about a 5.5 on the Kinsey Scale according to my psychologist. (I'd say a 5; he says otherwise.) I have had an attraction to other males all my life. I remember being attracted to males at age 5. I've had little attraction to females. However, growing up when I did and how I did, being queer what unthinkable. I went along with the program. However, I met a girl who stirred up feelings in me that I never thought I would have for a female. She's my best friend. We have been married for almost 33 years. But I still had an attraction to men. Sex between us has been sporadic. She took birth control pills that killed her libido when we were first married. She wasn't interested in me. Then, she read in a magazine that she needed to be directive in sex: so she always told me what I was doing was wrong. It was demeaning to me and made me feel more gay every day. So I became responsible for my own orgasm, so to speak. Then the bottom fell out. She was diagnosed with cancer and had a total hysterectomy. No ovaries. No sex. No fun. At the same time my T levels dropped. She got worried because I wasn't interested in sex. Then, I took some meds and drank some a couple of beers and spilled the beans. I don't remember what I said first. I just remember thinking, oh, no. I can't believe I just told her. She was devastated. She had AIDS tests done although I told her I had always been faithful. That was 4 years ago. Now, with counseling, we are still together. And our sex life is improving. I'm taking testosterone supplements. I bought some great toys...mostly for me. A prostate massager can be a lot of fun. Or, go for something else that might be a little "gay" (whatever that means to you). There are a lot of male-centric sex toys out there. I still have to fantasize about a buddy of mine in order to finish sometimes. But, we are happy now. I'm about as gay as it gets. But I have managed to keep that little bit between a 5.5 and 6.0 to keep my relationship going. Yes, it is possible to keep it going. It will be work. On both parts. And it will take honesty, too. You will have to tell her that you need her help being attracted to her. And possibly she to you, too. If you've got questions, I'll answer anything honestly. No secrets here. Tracker
Hi, I am in the midst of the same crisis, however, I have not been as courageous as you nor as faithful as you. (Which is why I am probably more terrified of the revelation that I am gay and I have had some male encounters?) I would say only you are able to determine whether you are gay or bi. I have always attributed my fascination with homosexual relationships and gay pornography as just that, a fascination and curiosity. I only recently have claimed this as me being gay. I have been denying this since my 20's. I am only out to myself, EC and my spiritual director. Tracker has some good insights and an arrangement with his wife that seems to be working. I am not sure what I am looking for from my wife anymore. I love her as my best friend in all the world. But sexually, I am not interested. She would probably not be interested in an open marriage and would probably not be real interested in using any toys or a strap-on. So I guess you have to decide why you want to stay married to her. What do you really need or want to be happy and fulfilled. I struggle with not wanting to be selfish, but i can no longer deny my intense need for male intimacy. This need is only growing and it has been leaking out throughout our marriage either through my fantasy life and porn, male erotic massage sessions, trips to adult bookstores, and a few casual hookups for massage and mutual JO. What do you want? What does your wife need? I have a lot at risk if I come out, you may too. What is holding you back from being who you are? I hope you can continue to find the answers inside yourself to be whole and free. Peace, Josh
My theory is that people change over time and, perhaps, become their true selves. I think I have grown into myself and am now at the gay end of the spectrum. But this wasnt true when I married my wife who I still love and find security in..but I am not a proper husband to her now. Over the last few years, almost unspoken, we seem to have accepted that we have a different kind of relationship and that my being gay will not go away and is not some passing whim. I dont see how anyone can actually 'work' at being attracted to someone - one either is or is not. Continued marriage can work in my case as long as both of us accept that neither will be emotionally and sexually fulfilled and that marriage gives us other things - stability, security, domesticity, safety etc - these are all important too.
Hi MarriedGuy, welcome to EC, you have found the right place for help and support from many others in our position. I’m 54 married 26 years and had no idea I was gay until my mid-40s. I came out to my wife a year ago and we agreed to try an open marriage with me having gay friends and sex partners since neither of us wanted to, or could afford to divorce. In recent years our marriage has been sexless and I think my wife is really, and always was, asexual. So from a certain perspective she will not be losing or sharing the sexual aspect of our marriage with me having sex with guys, she seems to have compartmentalised sex. All this was well in theory but now the hard part. Having been completely open and honest with my wife about being gay and having been given permission to play outside the marriage I now feel guilty and that it would be cheating to meet up with guys for sex. My urge for sex has gone through the roof since coming out, but out of respect for my wife I’ve not gone out to play and this is very unhealthy for my mental state of mind. This feeling of cheating has stopped me trying to make friends with gay guys in case it gets physical; this has really had a bad impact on my development as a gay guy. I am now just as frustrated as I ever was, if not more so, and starting to slip back into depression. I am also not sure now if just a ”friends with benefits” arrangement, that my wife said she would be ok with, will be sufficient for my needs. The more I read the more I want to be waking up next to a guy and not just a few fours fun every now and then. So in answer to your question it is still possible to remain married after such a huge revelation but it’s not easy and I don’t know how well it will work in the future. I did read some time ago that mixed orientation open marriages are only 30% successful long term and that those that are require total openness and honesty. If you have not already come across references to Dr. Joe Kort’s book “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love” it’s well worth a read and has a few chapters that cover heterosexually married gay men. The book title is a bit misleading, it’s more about gay men understanding themselves and the issues they face because until you understand yourself you will struggle with relationships. It’s available in Kindle format from Amazon. Sale Gay Guy
My story is similar to many others here, as well as yours. I always knew I was attracted to guys, but thanks to both a repressed upbringing and a lot of general cluelessness on my part, I assumed it was a passing thing that everyone went through, that would evaporate once I met the right girl. I came close to coming out a few times, but always felt the pull of family and the "wife and kids" programming. I wasn't comfortable with the couple of flamboyantly gay men I had met, and that, and a series of family tragedies, made me much more interested in a traditional married life. I convinced myself I was bisexual, not gay; met a woman, "rescued" her from an abusive marriage, and eventually we married and had a couple kids. There were no guys on the side and I was always the loyal and faithful husband. Fast forward 20 years since the actual marriage, and here I am. Out to myself for a year and a half, out to her (and our older child) for 8 months, and my sisters and our younger child for a couple months, and assorted people at work as well. We're still married for now, for financial reasons and the fact that the kids only have a few more years of school anyhow, so I'm making an effort to ease their transition (particularly the youngest, who is 13). However, that timetable may change, because I met a guy who's in a similar situation, and we couldn't be more compatible if we had met through a dating service after filling out some giant questionnaire. I'm not a reckless person by nature, and never do much of anything without carefully weighing all the options, but with him, I felt like the only option was to fall completely in love with him and envision a happy and beautiful future together. I had already come to the conclusion that the notion of being bisexual was very delusional on my part, and my feelings for him absolutely confirmed that (which is not to say bisexuality doesn't exist, or that it's not a possibility for you--it just clearly isn't for me). For me, staying with my wife long-term isn't an option, and really never was - our relationship hasn't been great for years for multiple reasons, but we've just never felt any compelling reason to end it until I clinched it by coming out. For you, it really depends. If you have a good, strong, loving relationship and value that more than any potential future relationship with a guy, and you believe that your sexuality (and the lack of a satisfying sex life with her) isn't going to interfere with that, then I suppose it could work. Whether you're gay or bi is hard to say, and only you can really come to that conclusion. Based on the little you've shared, I'd be inclined to say you're more gay than bi, but really, you have to determine that for yourself. I have to say, though, that if you ARE gay, you probably owe it to her and to yourself to decide whether it's best to stay together, or see if there is a way to maintain your friendship without being married. You both may be missing out on a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship with someone else. I hope to keep some degree of a friendship with my wife, but I have to tell you that if you're gay, the dynamics of a relationship with another guy will be completely different than those with your wife, and infinitely more close and complete. Until it happens, you may not realize just how much, and it could get very complicated if you happened to meet some really special guy while you're still trying to maintain a marriage with her, for whatever reason. It takes a lot of soul-searching, that's for sure. Best of luck to you for figuring it all out. We're all here to listen, compare notes and help in any way we can.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. As you can see, you're not alone here. I'm also someone who was in a heterosexual marriage for a number of years before coming to the conclusion that I was gay. It has happened to many of us. For most people that means ending their marriage and moving on. But not for everyone. We are all different, as are out spouses, and whatever works for the two of you is what you should do. Keeping the lines of communication open and being honest with one another is important. Getting counselling as a couple might also prove to be really helpful. I don't think any couple should be expected to navigate this situation on their own. To suggest that your sex life is the fault of both of you might be accurate - but remember that your orientation and natural attraction to one gender over another is not your 'fault' but just a part of who you are. You shouldn't 'blame' yourself for that. I hope you find what you're looking for here. Keep posting in this thread, contribute to others, or feel free to write directly to me or other members of the 'staff' here. We're all here to help. Again - welcome!
marriedguy: What Jim said is on the mark. Don't do this alone. A counselor can help guide you alone or you and your spouse. The path for each person and each couple is different. Use the staff here: these people are the best. Especially, don't beat yourself up over who you are. That makes as much sense as feeling guilty because you have brown eyes. Embrace it. You will be stronger. Good luck. Tom
Thanks for the great advice everyone. While I have always been attracted to my wife, I can honestly say that my attraction has always been her and men which makes me think that I'm actually gay and not bi. I'm coming to terms with this just as I did years ago when I thought I was just bisexual. The fact is that I always had a stronger attraction to men and even more so now. I like Tracker's vision on this in that he's a 5.5 on the Kinsey scale and that the .5 is for his wife. Maybe that's the best way to describe it. We do get along well so for now we're going to stay the course. I still have not fully admitted to her that I'm gay although I've dropped hints and she say's that she thinks I am. She said when I admiited to her years ago that I was bi, that it was my way of slowly coming out....maybe she's right. I look forward to reading more comments and opinions of others in the same situation as these have been very helpful.
"f you're gay, the dynamics of a relationship with another guy will be completely different than those with your wife, and infinitely more close and complete. Until it happens, you may not realize just how much, and it could get very complicated if you happened to meet some really special guy while you're still trying to maintain a marriage with her, for whatever reason." This!
I had some horror stories with women so I just got married to a guy because we all know that's normal... I find the most unattractive men! I believe I set myself up for this since I initially couldn't find the right woman. So after 16 years of marriage one son and 3 boyfriends later- I still feel attracted to women. Then the haunting part is that my first experiences with a woman were not pleasant in anyway. It's very hard to explain that some people just click and it's beautiful to see. I have never clicked with anyone.. I think that even though yes I'm in counseling that I have a block for developing healthy relationships. I seem to end up in a relationship out of necessity rather than love. It makes me sad and ashamed. It's also challenging to break this habit. I've given women a try but something about another person seems to place me on guard. I wasn't molested I wasn't beaten I did have challenges. I would just like to find a nice woman that I could potentially trust. It's got to be trust issues, well this is my first time on a board like this thanks and wish the initial opener of the page the best. I really hope everything works out for you and thanks for letting me rant a bit here ---------- Post added 4th Jun 2014 at 05:48 PM ---------- I really don't know about staying married for the sake of being married. It has benifets your with someone you might have a bond with. It's just I hope I get updates about this board if anyone ever replies.. If I don't get an update I won't know when I will be back. With love and I am full of all the neutral greater moral love I can show it's just tiresome. Doing the same things day in and out and pretending and going through the motions like a time capsule.. If I ever had a pleasant experience with a woman I just may never of had my son so I can't regret my life. It just feels so empty so lonely even wen I'm dutifully making a nice dinner and chatting away. I feel like something is missing.. I garden and I read I just finished college. My boyfriend is tall and I think he's just ugly and I hate having sex with him but since I've been cheated on I've learned it's an obligatory act. That although I can live without some cant. If anything I might just enjoy a sexless relationship since the words unnecessary sex stomp through my mind. As for intamacy I'm an open book.. I am an intense listener. I read that you love yor wife but still have needs. I just think when I do have needs it might be too late. I feel so alone but I don't really believe it's possible to have a relationship without sex.
Hi marriedguy, welcome. Im.in a very similar situation as yourself, bit like "bi now, gay later" , swinging between "gay with bisexual tendencies" and just totally gay. Won't know till I get there though, as the brain can tell you all sorts! Ocd I am seeing in myself, which causes me to doubt myself further, putting blockers on any kind of m2m self discovery. (worry that is all just contrived imaginations etc) Wife is helping, we have to talk all the time, and she reminds me when I slip back into denial about it all. So normally I feel quite totally gay, but then having to face leaving her and the kids, I dug deeper and found still attracted to her, so were ok in bed at the moment,, better than ever actually. It got to a point where I was convinced I am gay, so came out to friends, but we were not ready, everyone telling her to kick me out immediatley etc, and it all went bad, and I retreated, telling myself and the world that im not gay, just stressed and ocd. Obviously bisexual but not gay. This was ok for a few weeks, but then I started getting mental issues again as just in plain denial! So came out to her again, and said that would she be able to live with me if I was gay, but bisexual with her? She sais she does not regret anything, even if in future we seperate, but no way is that right for us right now. I have always been faithfull. When im in denial, I drive her nuts, as my brain goes into loops and it gets silly. When I face it and accept myself, im much happier and stable. Now, im quite open to the possability of being totally gay, and that I need a male relationship and to develop inside, and to drop decades of mental denial structures and self programming. I worry that im not totally ocd and am creating a situation for myself that I would not be happy with - but will never know. Out third wedding aniversary next week (been together ten years) and we are intending on spending it in a bisexual spa day... If i can manage to accept myself on that day. The pressures are immense, not sure if tricking myself, or in denial of denial, or if totally confused ocd paranoia all blown out of proportion. A little lost, but getting there. Need to meet people.
I cant help it but laughed..typical bisexual men ,,you guys are not in denial or whatever,you just want to have it all realising you're one step closer to your grave..my advice,stay in your pathetic marriage life and accept the fact that you just cant crave for everything.
Not cool and not appropriate. Such "advice", such as it is, helps no one...but it most certainly will manage to piss off a fair number of people here...
@raindrops Yeoutch bitch! Put them claws away, stop hissing and spitting! Glad we made you laugh, but really? Want it all? Hey I have got it all already!
oh yes, and I am a sissy, im so scared I need my wife to sort out my relationship with my boyfriend, which I have wrecked so not happening. I need her to feed me a big co*k whilst she prepps my.but for another entry. I live in the most homofobic country in the EU, the UK! Its been a bug struggle to get this far, and I hope to relax into myself finally. Gladly, having tried this hard for a hetro life, I have succeeded in becoming a parent to 4 fantastic kids, with a fab wife, who accepts me for who I am, not what she thinks I should be. I can now reach for the stars (and moon) and try to reach my full potential as a sexual being, with no gut wrenching head twisting fears. Without her help, I dont think i would have managed to get this far. I only hope that i can find some nice guys in my area, and relax and enjoy the fun. -no avatar as phone upload won't work, has to be done on a pc. No shame. No ricer.
