Wife of 26 years caught me with gay porn two years ago. I admitted I find men (and women) sexually attractive. We patched things up in that respect, but for the past six years, we have not had sex. Partly due to hysterectomy/lessened sexual desire on her part, partly due to weight gain on my part. The porn bust didn't help. Now, though, when we argue, she slings these vicious comments about being 'just roommates'. I chose, before marriage, the hetero life. I don't have sex with men and my queer activities are limited to two drunken masturbatory encounters (not to climax) with two friends a year before I got married. But the 'roommates' thing makes me think it's been over since she discovered my secret vice. Should I keep hanging on, or should I end it? We still have our loving moments, but we're nearing 50 and things have long since cooled off. She does not turn me off. I don't want to be alone, though, by leaving her. I don't have any men I'm seeing and wouldn't run into the queer life anyway, risky as it is with STDs/HIV. But I don't know how much weight to give the 'roommates' comments; they are only uttered in the heat of the moment of argument, but without physical intimacy, which I crave and miss, I just don't know if we still have a marriage. Sorry for rambling, but I'm very confused.
Hi there and welcome to EC. Sorry to hear that you're going through this. There are probably a lot of things at play here. When it comes to mending relationships, very often counselling is the best thing. Have you considered going to see someone as a couple to work through this - either to repair the marriage, or to end it in a respectful and amicable way? As for the 'queer life', there's a lot more to living openly and honestly as a gay man than just having sex and risking contracting STDs. But you have to be willing to open up a bit and consider the possibilities. Welcome!
Thanks, Jim. I didn't mean to be narrow-minded, its just I've been reminded of some friends, who back in the 80s, threw caution to the wind when they came out and died as a result. Its just for me, I find me sexually arousing and the male form beautiful, but those alone do not a gay life make for me. I don't care for the activism, and the only person who I would have ever (ever) switched sides for is incapable of a relationship with anyone, male or female, as evidenced by our reunion after 30 years and finding he's the same upstairs. Too closeted, I guess. At any rate, that path spells doom and I cannot see starting my love life over at 50 just because of lust, ya know? I appreciate your input and openness for a newbie. Brennan
No problem. Again - I'm not sure you understand what it means to be gay. Being attracted to the same sex is essentially what it means to be gay. It has nothing to do with promiscuity, activism, interior design or fashion. But coming out would create a significant change in your life - and nobody can tell you whether or not that change would be net positive or net negative. So all the while you remain confident that you're better off where you are, then it is wise to stay there. I think you would find though that most of us here have found it to be a positive experience over the long haul. But everyone is different and has their own path to follow. Take care.
Hi, Brennan. A lot of your comments sound very familiar, right down to the snarled "roommates" comments, weight gain, etc. Jim is right in that counseling for the two of you would be a good place to start, particularly if you feel that your relationship is worth salvaging. I don't know how things are between the two of you, or how much of an emotional bond you have. I can tell you that I chose the straight marriage path 20 years ago (well, really, before that--the marriage itself was 20 years ago but I had decided to live a hetero life long before that) for many of the same reasons you mention. The feelings for guys never totally went away--I assumed that finding a woman who turned me on as my wife did would make that pesky gay thing just evaporate, but it just hid it for awhile. After a series of events a couple years ago (death of my father, turning 50, health crisis and considerable weight loss), I started looking at my relationship with her and, really, with myself, and came to the conclusion that the risk of being alone outweighed the unhappiness that surrounded me like a fog, day in and day out. That might be the case for you - or it might not. I always thought in terms of the "gay life" too. The 1970's programming of gay as a "lifestyle" that you chose, rather than an "orientation" that you were born with, kept coming back to haunt me. Something finally clicked in my head and I realized that parties and drugs and cheap sex were not a requirement, and for me, just being honest and letting the chips fall where they may was more important. Please don't think I'm there with a cattle prod saying "Come out! Come out!" I'm just saying that my own personal choice became much easier when I let go of the stereotypes that I had 30 years ago when I first toyed with the notion that I might be gay. My world has not fallen apart. My wife and I are still together for now, as we have two teenagers, an underwater mortgage and some unresolved issues that we are working through. And I was very surprised to connect with an unassuming, conservative gay man who wouldn't fit easily into any of those gay stereotypes, who has made me feel like I have a real connection with someone for the first time in decades (maybe ever), and respect and affection and love. So if you do decide that your relationship can't be salvaged, I can tell you that there's no guarantee that just because you're 50, things can't happen. But first things first. If you're unsure of what to do, you need to talk to someone, probably alone first, and then with her depending on what conclusions you come to. It may be the single biggest life decision you ever make, so if you're uncertain, there are people who can help you. And you can certainly bounce thoughts off of anyone here. We've all had different experiences with different outcomes, and are both good talkers AND good listeners. Good luck. John
