Those who have been in hetero relationships- when did you come out?

Hi Curiousmum,

Many of us here in the Later in Life section understand exactly what you are going through. For all of us in that situation, no one will tell you it was easy or problem-free. When others are involved, emotions will take over and mess things up, invariably.

The best I can counsel for you, apart from taking a few hours to read our previous posts here, is to make a detailed plan, speak to close friends and build up a support network outside of your marriage.

Assuming you do come to the decision to come out, or to leave the marriage, no one here can tell you precisely how, because each situation is different. What I can tell you is that the calmer you are, the more prepared you are, both financially and legally, the better it will be for your partner and your children, in the long run.

And the better it will be for you.

 

For me, I couldn't lie to my husband. I didn't feel it was fair to him. Why should I get so much more time to deal with our life falling apart and set up a support system, when he didn't get that luxury? I can't pull the rug out from under him like that.

At every step, I told him. Five years ago, I told him I was bisexual but mostly attracted to women. (That's when I came out to myself). Things went on fine after that. It wasn't a big deal because he was already a LGBT ally and bisexual includes men. A few months ago, after making the connection that I am definitely not bisexual, I'm just gay, I told him about it. I couldn't go longer than about 2 weeks before I felt like he deserved to know.

I've talked to other straight spouses about this as well, they have ALL assured me that being honest as soon as I know is the best possible thing I could do for my husband. I still love him, I don't want to hurt him anymore than I can help. The biggest betrayal that those straight spouses felt were the secrets....when their spouses kept it under wraps even while knowing, and the preparations....that their spouses were so emotionally prepared and had all of their "ducks in row". It's more fair in my mind to grieve together over losing a relationship and prepare together since we built this life together and we should be taking it down together as well.

That being said, I knew that I was safe when I told my husband. If I didn't feel safe, my advice would be MUCH different.

 

Hi curiousmum:

I told my husband as soon as I was sure I was willing to accept any sacrifices--in terms of my relationships with my family and friends, my job, my finances--that I might have to make to allow myself to be with a woman. I didn’t want to string him along longer than necessary, longer than was fair for him or tolerable for me.

I also told him after I had allowed myself to be with a women again for the first time since I had started dating and married him. I just needed that confirmation, that I was not imagining things, that this had not been a phase in my 20s, that when I saw two women together I wasn’t feeling a pang of jealousy for some other reason. But, then I told him about a month after that happened and asked for a divorce.

I don't think anyone can really tell you when the right time is. Honesty and fairness are important. But, I don’t think anyone will fault you if you make sure you are financially and emotionally ready to be on your own before you tell him, if doing so won’t hurt your spouse. In my case, my husband, a diplomat, made a lot more and had a more robust resume; my lower earnings and unstable career path was a direct consequence of following him around the world. So, I did not feel bad about taking my time to make sure that I would be in a stable financial and professional spot before leaving him, that I would be able to take care of myself.

Like Valerie said (above), safety is another issue to consider, especially if you will continue cohabitating for some time while you sort things out. And like greatwhale said, it would not be a bad idea to build a support network before telling your husband. I knew that no matter how my conversation turned out with him the night I told him, in the worst of cases I could crash at my best friend’s house for a few days.

Good luck. It is likely not to be easy, for you, for him. But, it is worth it, I think.

Hugs.

 

My exhusband and I were already divorced when I finally accepted myself at 38 and came out (again, having come out at 19 and then returned to the closet & denial at 24).

I can't give you much advice on telling your male partner. But I can offer you my experience being out as a mom to a 3 year old and in a relationship with a woman: life has never been better.

 

I told my husband a couple of months ago that I was feeling like I might be a lesbian. I'm going to counseling now to try to figure everything out and he knows about that. I haven't told him that I'm feeling a lot less doubt about being a lesbian right now, but he has told me that he wouldn't want to stay married and I don't want to get divorced yet for various reasons (one of which is that we are living in a foreign country).

I think you have to do what feels right for your situation. Don't come out before you are ready just for your spouse. You have to be ready to share that too, but don't hide it for manipulative reasons unless like others have said, your safety or health is at risk by telling him.

Best of luck to you. It's never easy but I think it will be worth it in the end.

 

I agree that if you don't feel comfortable coming out to him yet then don't do it. I think you are taking a smart approach by posting here and figuring things out first. It takes time to accept who you are and each relationship is different. Don't rush yourself because you said he would want to end the marriage right away if he knew. Give yourself time to process and accept these new feelings that have likely been buried for years. That in itself is stressful enough. Get your finances and everything in order just in case things go bad. You have every right to do so and it will feel wrong keeping such a secret from someone you have built a life with, but don't let the guilt force you into revealing things before you are ready to deal with them.

---------- Post added 6th Jun 2014 at 05:40 AM ----------

Just read on your other thread that you told your husband that things weren't working so congrats! I know you said you didn't come out to him, but just being able to tell him it wasn't working was huge.

 

well, 1988 to 2013 25 years- tomorrow is the anniversary of the split, the split was for other reasons. and i came out to myself, my counselor, and you all this past spring. I will say this, you have kids, protect them and make sure they are provided for, i am not saying to stay together for the kids, just make sure they are looked after. then make sure you look after yourself. if he would not support kids that are his then you need to look after you all and he can pound sand, IMO.

Great Whale has some sage advise in this thread, make a plan, work that plan, come out (pun intended) the other side.

all the best

(*hug*), figure you could use this.

 

Hi curiousmum,I'm in the exact same boat as you and place I sent you a friend request I couldn't private msg you for some reason.

 

I told my wife when I couldn't hold it in any longer, it just exploded out of me.

 

I told my ex-husband when I began getting very depressed; it was about 6 months after I came out to myself. He wasn't upset that I was gay, he suspected it, but he was very angry and hurt that I did not tell him right away. I think you have to know when is right for you. I felt terrible lying, which is why I was depressed, but on the other hand the whole process was a very personal one and I told him when I was ready. I had no idea what the result would be (we have children). He came up with the idea of us being roommates for a couple of years, which we have been for the past 3 months. We have very separate lives and do everything separately with our kids, but it seems to be working and the kids have both their parents and know and understand the situation, and that it is temporary. We make sure to reinforce that it's temporary and that we are not together so there are no false hopes.

 

There's a website called askjoanne.net that helps married women who are attracted to women. I noticed you said partner and not husband so I don't know if you're married or not but I would assume that askjoanne would be helpful to women in long-term heterosexual relationships as well..

 

I told my wife 9 months ago, just short of our 20th wedding anniversary, and I told her because I just couldn't NOT tell her anymore. Our relationship hasn't ended, but it's changing in ways that are unpredictable and rather exhausting. Think of the transformation scene from "An American Werewolf in London" and you'll get the idea. What it will be in the end I don't know, but for now, some things have not changed a bit, and others are vastly different.

She was not particularly surprised (for that matter, no one has been except for perhaps my 13-year-old; just about everyone else has said they always suspected, and apparently I was the last one to figure it out). However, she has not been even slightly empathetic about the years I spent agonizing over my feelings, or the fears and insecurities that sent me running into the closet in the first place, despite many attempts to explain my feelings. We may have a friendship once this is all over, based largely on shared history and my own effort and endurance, but this experience has definitely exposed the huge cracks in our relationship that had very little to do with my being gay at all. But my family life has actually changed LESS than I would have liked it to. You never really know what will happen, although I have to say that as well as I know my wife, many of her actions and reactions aren't a great surprise.

Coming out is about asserting your sexuality, that's definitely true. But it's also about asserting yourself as a person and accepting the fact that who you are and what you feel matters. My decision to come out came AFTER a period in my life where I started bettering myself (losing weight, better health habits in general, trying to become a stronger person). I think in some ways that made it less painful for me than it's been for others; it was almost like I was training for the marathon without realizing it, and as a result I was strong enough to face some of the fallout a bit better (although I'll be honest, not all). Prepare yourself; think out a plan of what you want to accomplish and how; and get strong. You will have good days and bad days, but it helps if you increase your confidence in yourself just enough to ride the waves of emotion instead of being dragged under by them. Personally, I'm not in a very great mental state today, but most days I'm much better than I was before I came out. It IS worth it in the end.

 

I came out March 7 this year, effectively ending our 17 year marriage. We have two children whom we have chosen not to tell that I am gay at this time, primarily because of my wife's preference that they not have to deal with this knowledge right now.

I knew I was gay since early teens, even had a gay relationship in college and came out to my family when I was 18. It was a disaster all around; I gave up my boyfriend for the approval and acceptance of my family, ended up back in the closet, and faced the emotional turmoil of living out of character for over 20 years until I finally had a breakdown last year and finally accepted myself as a gay man.

Once I was able to accept myself, I had months of torment facing the prospect of destroying our marriage and upending the kids' lives. By early March this year the pressure of needing to do something became too much to bear and I had to get it all out in the open. While I knew this revelation would end our marriage, I was taken aback by the swift response from my wife less than an hour after the discussion began that we had to divorce immediately. What I had not realized in our relationship until that time was how emotionally unavailable I had become over the years as I struggled with keeping my true self locked away in the closet.

After the initial emotional waves in the early weeks, things have settled down and life at home while awkward is in many ways better than it has been for years. We still have the same conversations about her work, the kids, her friends as we always have, but I am able now to at least try to be interested in the conversations that don't concern things about the kids... often unsuccessfully after a period of time, but at least I'm able to put forth the effort now.

We both are ready to move on with life. We've worked out the terms of the divorce so that the kids' lives will be relatively unaffected; so far the only real changes they've experienced is I've moved into the guest room, and I no longer am obligated to attend some family-oriented camping activities (since I never enjoyed it and the kids didn't care if I was there or not since they are primarily off playing with friends). If we manage to sell the house this summer, we intend to keep the kids in the same schools if at all possible; if we don't sell, then once they're back in school this fall, I'll move into a small apartment so we can each have our own space and begin building our new lives separately.

The two most important thoughts I'd leave with you are:
1. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.
2. If/When you come out and you're going through the divorce, make sure every decision is framed around what is in the best interest of the kids, even if it doesn't seem obvious that it would affect them directly.

Take Care,
Rick

 

I never married, but I had a serious boyfriend (well I thought it wasn't serious; he was very serious about me) for whom I cared for a lot. But when he said he loved me, I was thrown. I had no idea what love was; I was feeling so numb. I knew there had to be more to life. Even though physically it was ok, I just couldn't feel anything for him. It was only then that, frustrated by repeated experiences where I felt nothing for the guys I dated, I decided to stop pursuing relationships with guys entirely. That didn't go on very long before I all of a sudden discovered feelings for women, way more intense and different than anything I'd experienced before. I felt like my world opened up and that I could get more out of a relationship than I ever had before.