I am preparing for the day when we will talk to our son (age 11) about my being gay. Does anyone have a recommendation that is age appropriate that you have found helpful. I also welcome advice or input from parents who have had this conversation. Thank you.
Try the COLAGE website, it has tons of material that will be helpful to you. The most important thing to retain is that the kids control the conversation. If they don't want to talk about it any more while you are engaging in the conversation, then end it and tell them that you are ready to talk about it at any time when they are comfortable enough to continue. Remember that for the kids, this becomes a "coming out" problem that they suddenly have to deal with (i.e. telling friends, teachers, extended family (on both sides) and health-care providers, among others). So give them the time they need to process this, while being there to support them when they need it.
My wife and I took care of informing the teachers, caregivers, etc. Which left my children whom the would tel on their own. My therapist said that presenting the fact we were divorcing and the reason (my being gay) at once would be kindest as it would close the door on reconciliation and place blame on no one. My children are 10, 17, and 20. We took my eldest out of the equation as we'd already had a conversation with her. The younger kids took things in strides and are seemingly handling both rather well. We were just very honest and up front with them. My son (17) handle's the divorce better and my (10) daughter handles Daddy being gay better, but through this my son and I have never been better. my daughter wants to go shopping (I hate stereotypes). She also tries to play matchmacker...she gets an "A" for effort. My biggest worry was my least.
Thank you GreatWhale. The Collage website is very helpful, as is your advice about working at my son's pace. Tscott - Thank you for your experience. I am glad to hear your children are handling things well. I have the feeling my son will do well also, but there may be tensions at school. In recent months he has come home from school telling jokes about gays, and using the word gay as a cuss word. We have addressed it each time, in a loving and respectful way. But I am aware that it may cause problems for him when I am out out.
Tscott, I am curious about your discussion with you therapist if you are willing to share. I've discussed the timing of coming out to my daughter and the therapist said keep the divorce and coming out separate. This August my wife and I will tell my daughter we are getting divorced. Then some time after that (well after) I would tell her I am gay. Not sure the best way to go but my therapist and yours seems quite opposite. Any advice would be appreciated.
Mine are (so you know) 17, 7, 5 & 2. botched a coming out, but 17 knows, bad he was fine with it I think. The younger ones, I worry they will hear the wrong way (were not intending to splitio unless we haveto) dont want them to find out via school bullies etc. I have some time as of their age, so will clarify things myself first (do the actual deed) to get myself straight and steady first )still a little up and down about it). The kids will be fine with it, I worry about school bullying, but if they are armed with knowledge and sense and sendsability, should be fine I think.
Being Earnest - I don't know how old you son is, but I sounds like pretty normal boy behavior...that's not to say it should be tolerated. My son's 17 and has Asperger's, so we were very concerned about him being teased. To my knowledge he's treated this as my business to share and not his. He's a pretty upfront kid so if asked I doubt if he'd lie about it. as for my 10 year old daughter she has friends with two mommies and two daddies so it not a big deal at all. She tried to fix me up with someone when she found out. LOL.
@tulip- what a beautiful children's book. It made my heart happy just to see it. @bottomsup- my concern is the same. I want my son to hear from me, so I am taking time coming out one step at a time. So far 35 people know, and the support has been overwhelmingly amazing-I did not expect this. I know some conversations will be more difficult. Like you, we are not planning to divorce. That decision will be made when we are farther down the road and have more understanding. So I should be able to just talk to my son about me being gay, and assure him that we still love eachother, and love him. And talk about why some of our life looks different now. Like why I now have my own bedroom. @Tscott- my son is 11. He also has Aspergers. I have the same concern about teasing. But this year I have seen him grow immensely, and find a confidence and strength of character that makes me believe he will be able to handle it. Over the years, with all of the help he has received, he is making friends and finding his way in the world. In fact, I have been so moved, watching him grow with this help, that I believe it helped me with my own discernment and ability to come out. I kept thinking, I wish I'd had help like this when I was his age. I had no one to talk to. Seeing him grow helped me believe that it's not too late, I can get help now too.
An update- I met with my son's therapist yesterday, to talk about how, when, and what would be appropriate to tell my son about me being gay. The therapist was very understanding, and helpful. Her sense is that my son (who is on the autism spectrum) is still emotionally too young to understand. She recommends addressing his questions as they arise. (Like daddy, why aren't you and mommy in the same room any more?) The therapist recommended that when we do tell him, that my wife and I tell him together, and let him ask the questions and concerns he has, and not to try to explain everything all at once. She said his primary questions will most likely be about what does this mean for him, will we be divorced, will he still see both parents, the fears that may arise. I am still looking for book suggestions, if anyone has them. Thanks!
