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recently broke it off with boyfriend, or so i thought?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInside, Jun 6, 2014.

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  1. LostInside

    LostInside
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    Me and him had a talk a few days ago and i said to him that the relationship just wasn't working for me anymore. He agreed and said that it's not working for him either. We agreed to be friends, but i still don't think he gets it. We hung out the past couple days and both days he got all touchy and lovey with me. He keeps saying how beautiful i am and just being way too nice. I kind of knew this would happen, but wanted to see for myself for sure. We ended up in bed together i think mostly out of routine and i didn't really try to stop it either. I clearly wasn't into it, but he didn't seem to mind. If we hang out again I'm not going to allow it anymore. Either we can be just friends or nothing. Maybe us being friends really isn't going to work because there are way too many mixed emotions involved and it's time i start accepting that as a possibility...
     
    #1 LostInside, Jun 6, 2014
  2. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Giving in to sleeping together probably wasn't the best idea because then he'll start to think there could be more between you or that he can at least have you as a friend with benefits. However, what's done is done and you should now make sure he doesn't get his way with wanting to do that again if you're strict on your beliefs of staying platonic with him.

    If It's an immediate break up, a friendship isn't the best idea to begin with. You can definitely be friends in the future, but you're going to need to take a long break from him until you feel he's sorted out his feelings. I'm only saying this from experience since an ex and I had similar issues when we tried to stay friends.

    Good luck!
     
    #2 Fallingdown7, Jun 6, 2014
  3. paris

    paris
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    Yeah, it can be tricky to be friends with someone who wants more. There was this guy I met abroad who had feelings for me and even though I was telling him over and over we were just friends and nothing was going to happen between us he kept trying to get me anyway. We were fighting about it all the time. He could even get a prestigious scholarship in the UK but one day I found out he's planning to study in my country so he could be with me. I got really mad and decided not to see him anymore. We started to hang out again after 2 months but it became the same thing and then we split up for good.
     
    #3 paris, Jun 6, 2014
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    So it's clear that your "breaking it off" didn't actually get the message across to your boyfriend, and he's now in the mindset of doing whatever he can to hold onto you. That's a common behavior with clingy types when you try to end a relationship, and unfortunately, what usually ends up happening, due to their lack of boundaries, is your having to impose very clear boundaries... which often ends up with no contact at all.

    If you're resolute in your desire to not be in a relationship with this person, you're going to need to be extremely clear on your boundaries with him, which likely means no touchy stuff, no sex, no sleeping in the same bed. He may argue that "friends do this all the time" but the problem is... he won't see it as friendship.

    You can try talking to him, but my guess is he'll agree to whatever and then just keep doing what he's doing. I hope I'm wrong, but it's really rare for a relationship to be able to go from boyfriends to friendship without a significant break with little or no contact with one another.
     
    #4 Chip, Jun 7, 2014
  5. LostInside

    LostInside
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    Yeah, he will probably agree to anything i say and just do the same thing anyway. I really don't want to, but if he can't keep his hands to himself then we are going to have to stop seeing each other at all at least for a little while. I fear that even if we do take time apart he will fall back into his old patterns as soon as we see each other again. I think i may have to cut him out out my life completely as scary as that seems. I really want to remain friends, but i guess that depends on him and his actions. It's up to him whether he can stand to be near me when he still loves me so much and not be able to do anything about it. I can understand how difficult this is for him, but we need boundaries. I need to set boundaries and stick to them. The rest is up to him...
     
    #5 LostInside, Jun 7, 2014
  6. TheStormInside

    TheStormInside
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    I agree with Chip, very clear boundaries are the key here. And yes, you may have to take some time apart for both of you to sort out your feelings, especially him, as you're clear on your decision to end things with him, he still needs to get used to the idea.

    You guys were together for a very long time, so it's going to take awhile for both of you to adjust to a new type of relationship. Your patterns are probably very ingrained now, so it's probably going to take some work to guide yourselves away from that to a new type of relationship.

    Aside from the physical contact, is there anything else you feel you need to change about your dynamic with him? For me with my ex, I knew I needed to become disentangled from his emotional dependency, and that became the most difficult problem for us, unfortunately. I tried to set clear boundaries and he just couldn't accept them, which is why we're no longer in contact at this point. I think you need to pay attention to how your ex responds when you try to "correct" his behavior and remind him that you guys are now platonic friends. If he's apologetic and you see an actual change, that's great. If he pushes it, or apologizes but you see no change, it's probably an indication you guys need to separate further. Either way, it may be necessary to take some time apart so you both can process this change and really grasp that the next time you spend time together things will be different from how they have been thus far.
     
    #6 TheStormInside, Jun 7, 2014
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