I broke up with my male partner (I am a female) a couple of days ago, and he was agreeable. This morning however, he said he was only agreeing as a defense mechanism, and said he loved me. I am quite sure of my sexual preference now, and I truly do not want to stay in the relationship. Should I come out to him?? I don't think he will react well and I don't want to hurt him further if I don't have to. He seems quite adamant that we keep trying however and arguing with my reasons. I'm just really lost and have never been in this situation before.
Well you don't HAVE to, I mean he can't FORCE you to stay in the relationship if you don't want to be in it, and there are ways of getting him to stop... What do you think will happen if you tell him?
Most straight spouses according to research wanted the gay spouse to be honest. If your gay and don't want the relationship no longer, and you feel your ready tell him.. What's the worst that could happen!?
Well yes you are right, I don't have to stay, and I definitely won't be- I just want to make myself clear to him without hurting him too much I guess. I think to my self that maybe If I come out to him, then there is no going back. And he may also realise that a lot of my shitty feelings aren't to do with him personally- I'm just not attracted to men. I'm scared he will be angry. He's not exactly homophobic but I think he would be extremely shocked. But it's really only speculation at the end of the day. I think he won't believe me actually.
The thing is, if you tell him and he doesn't believe you it really isn't your problem. All he can do is say you're making random excuses to get out of a relationship with him, which isn't a problem because you don't want a relationship with him...it's not as if he can say "AH, but I don't believe you" and you suddenly have to fall back into his arms!
No there is no going back from 'I'm gay'. But do you want to go back? Most if not all spouses are shocked, but they get over it in time.
I'm not very good at asserting myself, I never have been. I think that contributed to my denying my sexuality for so long too. I really lack the confidence to stand up for how I feel or what I believe in. I think I'm just worried I'm going to get "stuck" with him because I feel sorry for him. When I'd really rather he knew who I really was, and stop thinking we can "fix" things. And I definitely don't want to go back. To do so would be going back to pretending I am someone different and spending my days being sad because I cannot be honest with myself.
If the situation was reversed would you like to know why he broke up with you? I would want to know, I think it could help me to understand the whole situation better. Especially if the relationship was long term I think he deserves to know. Maybe he won't take it lightly at first but he'll appreciate it later.
I've been there, it's a hard road but worth it. You have to do what's best for you some times. Coming here will give you the space you need to find the right answers.. There's no rush.
Thing is, it almost doesn't matter what you DO say to him, it's going to hurt, that's just the reality of ending a relationship. I know you don't want to hurt him unnecessarily, but I would argue that telling him you are a lesbian won't do that. If you were going to sit there and tell him "Dude I'm a lesbian, you put me off men forever" THAT would be unnecessary hurt. But admitting the truth isn't a bad thing or something you should worry about.
Thanks so much for the practical and sound advice I'm going to have a think about things and go from there. I will post and update soon, and hopefully things will be ok.
When I told my ex-husband, what he was most upset about was that I had lied to him. If honesty is something he values, then it may be better to tell him. Being honest with him, especially if he still loves you, will give him the opportunity to move on with his life and not to keep having hope that it will work out some day.
No means NO! not only in sex but in relationships as well. my STBX keeps telling me she's changed but i am still moving on and i have not intention, at this time, to come out to her. unless i meet a nice guy as opposed to a nice girl
