...before I begin I should let you know I am no looking for perfection. I'ven been out now, since January. I pretty much an Average Joe. I've been told I'm good looking albeit overweight like most middleaged men, definitely bearish. I dress well and partiular about my appearance. I told I've a good personality and make friends easily. I've a soild job and a professional with 2 graduate degrees and come from one of Rochester's oldest families. I attend church regularly, Episcopalian. Since, coming out I've joined the Rochester Gay Men's Chorus. I've established a circle of friends at one of the local bars and am a member of the Empire Bears. I swim at the Y and have may outside interests from birding to art. I was in a marriage for 25 years and know how to make a relationship work even in stressful times. So what is wrong with me or with gay men. My few dates has been with a younger welder, but I found out he's been in a long term "open" relationship. We've not gone beyond making out; is that even the correct term for it anymore? This is ultimately a dead end as I want a LTR, but right now this is all I've been able to attract. It's not doing great things for my ego. I want to be the steak not the mashed potatoes. They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet a prince, but if I may obseserve, "all the good ones ar married or straight." I don't want to seem desperate, but, "Where is everybody?" Is this something anyone else is going through? I'm not looking to have a different partner every week, but sex would be a good thing right now even if it were a fling. Comments, opinions, attitudes?
I'd like to give you some evidence that anything I will say is true, but since you appear to be doing better than me in terms of dating right now I can't... All I can say is that I remain confident that eventually I will find someone for me, someone I really really like, who really loves me. I'm sure I will. If I can, you sure as hell can.
I agree with Melanie, Tim. Don't let yourself get bitter...you're awesome, and you just haven't met the right person yet...but he's out there. You remind me of me as a teenager (holy crap...was I ever really one of those once?)...I wanted love sooooo badly. Not just sex, although I was eager to try that. And not just friendship...I didn't lack friends, but I yearned for a level of intimacy and depth of friendship that I hadn't yet found. As the long years between 14 and 16 went by I ran a risk of getting bitter...but bitter doesn't "sell" well, y'know. I simultaneously despised and was consoled by Phil Collins's version of "You Can't Hurry Love". It needled me no end, and yet the message was also so comforting and wise. And the way it ultimately panned out for me was exactly as Zen philosophy describes it. You cannot be with another until you can be with yourself. At 16 I finally reached a place of peace with myself (including but not limited to recognition of my bisexuality)...and I went from budding-bitter to mellow, settled, and self-confident. Almost immediately, relationships started offering themselves out of the woodwork...and I've not been without love of some satisfying kind (frequently more than I can sanely handle) ever since. I truly believe that self-love and other-love go hand in hand. Sadly, you can't hurry either of them...but be assured, even if it drives you nuts to hear it...Phil's mother wouldn't lie.... *hugs*
Bears are the best!!! Mmm Tim, fate will work for you soon. Enjoy your friends, enjoy the choir, enjoy your work... Everything else will fall into place, I'm confident of that! Peace!!
Go ahead. Kiss a few frogs. Or more. Exult in being an out gay man. Realistically. While you want an ltr. Are you even remotely ready for one ? (Nope, not at this point in your journey ) Enjoy yourself. Laugh, have fun, enjoy life. Out of that, maybe when you least expect, you will have a boyfriend. Oh, and be supremely happy that you're NOT constrained to live a hetero normative gay life! Hugs
TScott- I am not there yet, so it is good to hear stories of what it is like 'out in the world.' One of the questions that comes up for me as I take baby steps, is what it will be like when I start dating. I was not successful in dating as a teenager or as a young adult--- at all! Of course, if I had known and accepted that I was gay at the time, maybe it would have been a different picture At the time, I was holding off for marriage (The ultimate ltr) and thought I was virtuous for doing so. As I look back, I realize my virtue may have been self protection from facing myself. When other friends had numerous relationships during that time period, I wondered why and how they could do that. I was a virgin when I married my wife, and expected to live our lives fully together into old age- if God permits. Over time, I came to realize that I cannot love her fully, in the way we both expected when we married. For years I thought that it was because of my inexperience, or discomfort with my own body. Recently, I came to realize and accept that I am gay. And while we are the dearest of friends, companions and parents, it is not the marriage we envisioned. I wonder, if I had not been so afraid to really date, or to experiment in relationships as a teen and young adult, would I have accepted this truth earlier? Would I have avoided that pain that it is causing both of us? (note- I do not regret being married to my wife for a second- or for being a father. But I would not wish this pain upon anyone- especially the one nearest my heart.) As I face a future where I will once again be dating, my natural instinct is to do as I have done before- look for a relationship that can last. I wonder though, is there wisdom in taking time with it, to allow myself to experience this dimension of life, which I have held off now- for so long. Is there something to be gained by not rushing into something, but enjoying the freedom to enjoy others, in a way that I have never been able to do before. Is part of the function of dating to open myself to who I can love- and know that the range may be broader than what I imagine, that there may be personalities and life experiences that I have not considered before to share with someone. Perhaps there is wisdom in those early years of sexual development which normal people (gay and straight) go through. Today I am back in those early years again (while being much older and differently experienced) I wonder if I will have the courage to take my time, and appreciate the gift of a second chance at what I missed entirely the first time around. These are some of the things as I think about next steps in my life. Meanwhile, I send a big hug... O heck- I send a kiss your way, and hope that you are able to enjoy this time of exploration and newness in your life, and that you will meet many men who can embrace you for who you are, and appreciate the gifts you bring to life.
Tim, I think most people (gay, straight or otherwise disposed) would agree that dating after typical college age (early- to mid-20's) basically just sucks. And not in a good way. Particularly true for people after a divorce, and more so when there are children in the picture, and so on... you get the idea. The thing is, you came out for the right reason -- being honest with yourself and your family -- not just to appease some carnal urge for some hot and dirty man on man sex. Just because you're over 50 doesn't mean you don't want to make like a rabbit and get hoppin'. Right? Do I hear an amen from the choir? But seriously, Tim, think it through before you take drastic steps. Remember back just a few weeks ago when you went to the baths with friends and was mortified and saddened by the experience? What's changed about who you are (not about what you want, but the you inside your head and your heart) to make you think hooking up with some anonymous protein dispenser would make you feel any differently about your situation than before? Just throwing the question out there for you to think about it; I'm not saying you gotta stay a gay-virgin until you find Mr. Right -- if it's the right thing for you to go for Mr. Right-Now then by all means be safe and have fun as long as you keep it clear in your head it's just a one-off thing not the start of the storied LTR of your dreams. Not saying it's impossible for it to become that, but the odds are stacked against it. You know that no matter what we love you and support you. You're definitely a catch if someone is smart enough to recognize it.
And the choir(boy) says "Amen!" As I told someone recently (just a few minutes ago actually), there are more good guys out there than we realize, and more than THEY realize as well. One of the hardest things for us to do is trust people and situations, because all this is so new to us later-in-life types. Or so very old that the rules have changed and we're trying to program something that will run on Windows 8 when all we remember is binary code and punch cards. This whole experience needs to be about being honest about who you are and what's important in your life, above everything else. Coming out with the express notion of finding Mr. Right in a very short time frame is a nice thought, but it's generally not realistic, even if you can point to the occasional freak success story (coughcough). You're not just coming out; you're reinventing yourself as a person. You could change a lot over the coming 6 months or a year. It's been over a year and a half since I came out to my first person, and I can tell you that I have evolved one hell of a lot between then and now. Give yourself time to adjust to who you are before you start expecting miracles to happen. And they CAN happen. They happen when you're stripped down to the essential things that are important to you, and the world can see you for exactly who you are, AND you really know the essentials of what YOU want in a person. And be secure enough with yourself that your identity and happiness don't depend on finding that person tomorrow, and you can function as a person in your own right. That's when you get blindsided. In a good way.
Tend to agree with the others about giving it time and not trying too hard or forcing the issue. I recognise it's the last thing you may wish to do as you're on a new and exciting chapter in your life and you'll want to see what it has to offer, but it would be so easy to get caught up in that whirlwind and lose focus, then find yourself in a vulnerable position with hurt feelings. After coming out it's sometimes necessary to pause, take stock and see where we are and where we want to go. When it comes to dating Tim, how broad are your horizons? You've joined a few groups and made new friends and that's not bad going in your first six months, when it can often feel daunting. As your confidence grows would you maybe consider other options or possibilities for meeting people? What about the internet? Many people scoff at the idea, but I've had positive experiences and met my partner online. It's just a case of being open minded and not expecting 'Prince Charming' to show up at the first attempt.
