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I don't want to be strong , i want to be vulnerable!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Linux Lenny, Jun 9, 2014.

  1. Linux Lenny

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    I grew up in middle east , where homosexuality is still considered a crime . You can imagine how hard it is for a homosexual person to live there . I was bullied , called faggot and deviant and even physically harmed . That's all just because I looked feminine . When I was kid I enjoyed playing as the little cute girl , I loved my feminine side but that was not accepted by the people around me . My brothers used to call me the "half girl" , my father called me once "hybrid" which is installing in our culture . And I didn't do anything to defend myself , I was convinced that I was wrong and I should feel shame of what I was doing .

    When I was 12 I fell in love with one girl in the school and we used to exchange love letters , when my mother knew she was very angry on me and she was really upset , she prevented me from talking to that girl again . When I was 16 I fell in love with a girl in our neighborhood , I took a picture of her while she was walking in street just to see her when I go home , she noticed me and told her mother , who told my mother and I was in a very big problem . When I was 17 I fell in love with my best male friend and he sensed it and rejected me very badly and told everyone. I don't know what is the wrong with love ? why the people hate seeing 2 people in love ??

    I loved to cross dress and to wear my mother's makeup/clothes , and she noticed it and told my father and my brothers which was really embarrassing for me . I felt so much shame . I loved to grow my hair but of course in school I used to wear a hat just to hide my hair , one of the teacher removed my hat and saw my hair and started making fun of me in front of every one . Every one was laughing at me and calling me faggot , that was one of my worst moments in my life . I hope that there is a programming function which can erase all these memories but unfortunately I have to live with these memories for the rest of my life .

    After that I was the "perfect straight guy" , I did everything I could to repress my emotions , to the point of self harming . I lied about my own gender identity , I lied about my attraction to guys and even to girls just to protect myself .All my relationships with girls were hidden just to protect me and the girl (I am a bio guy btw but even opposite sex relationships are forbidden where I was living). It was really horrible , why they did this to me ? did they know how much harm that would cause to me ? But I forgive them , I know that was not their fault but the fault of the system .

    Now I am in a democratic , more accepting place . I don't want to hide anymore , I want to express my feminine and masculine side . I want to love my girlfriend/ boyfriend , I want to love all the people in this world .I DON'T WANT BE STRONG AND TOUGH , I WANT TO BE VULNERABLE , I WANT TO BE ME !

    I am very happy now , I am engineer , I love my job and I am starting to love life also . I was dead before and now I am coming back to life .

    Thanks all for reading , I just wanted to get this out of my chest . This is the first time in my life I share something like this with anyone .I feel much better (*hug*)(&&&):kiss:

    L.L
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    You are amazing! I really mean that.

    To have experienced all of that; the torment, insults, rejection, pain and struggling and still be here to tell the story is a testament to your character and (dare I say) strength. Yes, you are a strong person and you have nothing to prove.

    Be happy, be YOURSELF. Live your life and love your life. You deserve it.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    As Brené Brown has explained in one of her TED talks, "Vulnerability is not weakness". It is a deeper understanding of what strength really means; that you need to call on your reserves of strength to endure the possibility of failure and embarrassment that being vulnerable requires.

    As Linco said above, you have demonstrated tremendous strength in your life, good for you!
     
  4. PinkBelle

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    Linux Lenny, you are so brave!!!!! Xxxx
     
  5. ariaribh67

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    Lenny, I have some similar thoughts with ya haha. I also feel like a girl and I just love my feminine side, but I'm afraid I would lose all my friends after saying this out loud:/

    Best wishes for you and keep being strong! It's what I have to learn from you I guess! haha
     
  6. Nick07

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    You are an inspiration.

    I wish the world would be a better place one day. (*hug*)
     
  7. Choirboy

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    It will be a great day when none of us need to be "strong" anymore. Lenny, I admire you so much for what you went through and the incredible amount of strength you have within you to get through it. But you're right. Being who you are and getting through the day isn't something that should ever require you to be strong. I hope you have the chance to be vulnerable and soft, to be cared about and cared for, to love and be loved without having to dig deep into your soul for the strength to keep on going. I hope you find people to love who GIVE you strength, instead of taking it from you. And I hope you can share your strength WITH them, because strength--and love--that are shared grow into something very giving and beautiful. (*hug*)
     
  8. Sig

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    A toast to you Lenny, you have proved you can and will be anything and everything you want to be. As others have said, you are an inspiration.
    Hug
     
  9. Linux Lenny

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    Thank you all for your beautiful words

    I love this place , I love you all so much
     
  10. Brandiac

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    This should be very inspirational for anyone hiding, especially if they live in a very pro-homophobic country. It's people like you that make me wish I had an online teleporter just so I could give a hug and make up for 0.000......1% of your painful past. (*hug*)
     
  11. jahow95

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    Inspirational my friend.