To those who have or had or are denying themselves to be who they are what are some things that you hide that you do besides not coming out but I mean are their things that you find yourself doing like example I think I'm in denial I will check out a woman but because I feel guilty for doing so I will make myself look at a man and test my own reactions.Or I will find myself flirting with women when I do admit what I'm doing to myself I will try and force myself to flirt with a guy to see if I get the same feelings but I know inside I'm just not interested in doing so with a guy.After much thinking about it I'm like why am I doing this? Why am I testing myself? Do I not trust my own feelings? Do I need to actually confirm with myself is this real or am I just doing all this for some insecurity reason? I always think I'm going to really try and move on with my life and not do these things just feel what you want to feel 3 years later and I'm still doing these stupid things.Is this denial or self acceptance? Curious to know what others have experienced or experiencing in being in denial or knowing that's what you were doing before you came out.
I think we all have our own paths that we take. I was in deep denial for a long time but when I finally had to get real, it was fairly easy for me to accept that I was gay. My actions had pretty much proved it out before I was ready to contemplate it. For others it isn't as obvious. Think about what is holding you back though - if anything.
I told myself I was bi-curious, but that I preferred men. I slept around with men, had several year relationships with men, I even fooled around with girls under the watchful eye of my boyfriend and told myself it was for his pleasure that I did so. I forced myself to assess guys I saw and decide whether they were attractive to me. I looked at girls way more, but told myself it was envy or appreciation and not really attraction. I was in denial pretty deep. I can remember playing this game with myself as young as thirteen years old. The thing is, it was hard for me to shake the idea that my own feelings, desires and preferences were invalid somehow, that there was a requirement that I had to meet in order to stop questioning myself. In time it became clear that I was holding myself to the idea of normal that I was getting from straight society and that that was not working for me--if it was working, the matter would have been settled already. I don't know if that is at all helpful, but know that you're not alone in this.
I used to tell myself that I was different from everybody else. I knew that I liked both guys and girls, but I thought that I could just focus on liking men (since at this time I still identified as female). Also, at this time, I was really religious, so I told myself that if I liked the same gender I would go to hell. When it came to denying my gender, I tried to tell myself that I was a masculine female, and that I could just live my life being masculine. I thought that I could get away with denying my feelings this way, but in the end, I realized that was not going to work because I was driving myself back into being depressed.
When I was in college I was in total denial and I was always checking out guys and sometimes when I made eye contact the guy would smile back at me. Instead of saying something like "hey dude whats up?" I always felt embarrassed and quickly looked down or away and felt like I had been busted. Twenty years ago when I was in college pretty much nobody was out execpt guys who were so camp they couldn't hide it. I had no concept of gaydar and I suspect that most of those guys who caught me obviously checking them out and then smiled back at me probably were gay or at last bi, and probably found me at least somewhat attractive. Oh, the missed opportunities.
When I was in college I was in total denial and I was always checking out guys and sometimes when I made eye contact the guy would smile back at me. Instead of saying something like "hey dude whats up?" I always felt embarrassed and quickly looked down or away and felt like I had been busted. Twenty years ago when I was in college pretty much nobody was out execpt guys who were so camp they couldn't hide it. I had no concept of gaydar and I suspect that most of those guys who caught me obviously checking them out and then smiled back at me probably were gay or at last bi, and probably found me at least somewhat attractive. Oh, the missed opportunities.
I used to tell myself that women were naturally more attractive than men. It wasn't until I began to realize that maybe I liked women that I realized I had trained myself to deny any thoughts I had. I told myself all the time to stop thinking that way, and then yes, look at men. Once i realized I did this, I discovered how often I did it, and it was all the time! I had to 'train' myself to let my thoughts occur naturally and to go with instinct, and once I did that there was no questioning that I was a lesbian. Now, women is all I see, and I am very happy with this.
I think my big form of denial as a teenager was thinking that I admired guys who had better bodies than I had. Later, I went with a thought that I could fool around, but it wouldn't mean anything. Fuel got added to that fire when I learned that straight men sometimes will do sexual things together, like circle jerks. Then I bought into the Kinsey "sliding scale" idea that perhaps I could be somewhere other than Kinsey 6.
When questioning one's sexuality sometimes it's hard to distinguish between what's real and what's not. I remember I went through a period when even though I was apparently attracted to women I kept persuading myself it's probably not real and I just fake the attraction. I think it's because you just don't want to be gay so you keep grasping at straws.
when i was in denial, i was only outwardly in denial. meaning if someone asked me if i was gay i would say i was straight. but in the closet of my mind, i always knew i was checking out guys. i just would be in denial with myself about whether it was a good thing for me to be doing that. i saw it as a private fantasy place where i could explore and think about anything i wanted and it was "ok" because i was not acting on anything. but the reality was that i was really AVOIDING the inevitable. i recall once in college a guy that was on the swim team and who i was very attracted to, was talking to me. i had some slacks/pants at the time and he told me my pants were really nice and he rubbed the fabric of the pants near my thigh and asked me what type of fabric it was. i remember that my body started to get aroused at the touch and i think that is when i knew for certain, i wasn't going to be able to bottle these gay feelings up forever, but i tried for many years after that to keep them bottled. it did not work.
This is how it has felt for me too. I just kept telling myself that women are naturally more attractive and more interesting to look at. I didn't used to allow myself to look because it seemed wrong. Now that i know i want to be with a woman and am happy with the idea i actually check women out and feel happy about it. I still am struggling with this though and sometimes get really uncomfortable around attractive women and the denial comes back. I have kept so much of myself in the closet that I'm not quite sure who i even am anymore. I have closed myself off to almost everyone and everything and it's hard for me to let people in even though it's very lonely like this. One day i will fully accept myself and just let my feelings happen naturally without forcing them away. I do feel like I'm getting closer to being able to do that, but it's still shaky. I know i need a woman to share my life with and to achieve happiness, but i still have a lot of work to do on myself. I feel right now i don't have a whole lot to offer because I'm so entangled in my own thoughts all the time.
I felt had caged up that part of me that was attracted to guys. I had to be it's blind warden and hold it prisoner, thinking that if I didn't feed it, would starve itself out of me. But, that prisoner never did, only got stronger over the years, and louder, then this year, the bars finally weakened and the prison no more. The warden can see again and the prisoner is a free man. Only thing that worries me is that having denied myself so long, the free man has got a lot of wildness in him in wanting to make up for all that lost time.
