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Defending myself is getting tiring

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostMyself, Jun 12, 2014.

  1. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Lastnight my partner of 11 years and I were discussing about me not wanting sex he told me he doesn't crave it because I have too many rules,I got defensive because I don't think there rules I just feel really uncomfortable of certain things.I started to go into detail with him saying that I don't like my breast being touched by him it's cringe worthy for me I told him I love him I just don't want to do those things just have sex without the loving affectionate part maybe intime I will want that well I guess that's what I'm hoping will happen.It was in that moment where I felt like I was trying to cover up my excuses we didn't yell at each other I just wanted to tell him how I felt inside I tried my best to make him feel like it wasn't him as in looks and stuff but he wasn't grasping that he just kept saying he doesn't care if we don't do it sex he doesn't bother anymore then I went on saying how it's not him it's something I've always hated from since I was a teenager I just don't like them being touched I knew in my mind I was trying to justify my feelings with excuses I found myself stopping for a split second looking at him feeling anger but also shame in myself and my mind was saying "I'm gay" i froze at my own subconious panicked and had an image of how it would play out it's not something I can take back so I just said forget it and walked off.He ended up sleeping on lounge,I haven't been trying hard enough to try and make it work something is holding me back I know he needs to know but I don't even know myself if that's what I am a lesbian I'm so confused thinking there's something more wrong with me why can't I just try harder thinking about how much everyone's going to hate me for coming out after so long all our friends are mutual,Everyone around me is so family orientated.Im scared of being hated I really can't handle rejection from family and friends.I don't want to become vulnerable I don't want to be talk of my children's school.I want to try harder In faking it till I make it basically.I see a counsellor once a fortnight but I'm just going round in circles