I'm new to this site, so bear with me please. I'm a genderfluid pansexual (biologically female), with three children under ten (via previous marriage). I'm poor with talking about my emotions, so this has become far more tedious than I had imagined. I've been feeling very lost within my own body, well, I've felt that way for a very long time. I knew at an incredibly young age I didn't want to be female, and had (and still have) difficulties identifying with women (quite often). I still become full of rage at times, over the anatomy I was born with ... sometimes hoping that I'll go to sleep at night, and wake up how I feel I'm supposed to be. Dressing as a woman, and identifying as a woman feels like I'm putting on a show and nothing more. I'm a working musician, and when I gig I wear dresses/makeup/stockings etc. The minute I get home from a show, the dress comes off, the makeup washes down the drain, and that facade goes down with it for the rest of the night. Admittedly, I still feel a social pull urging me to identify with my genitalia, and succumb to what I'm "built to be" ... but I find myself just arguing with my genitals instead. I definitely have days where I don't feel quite as masculine as the day before, say, but I never quite seem to push over onto the other side of the gender spectrum ... I guess I don't really know what I'm asking for here, but I know there's got to be someone (more than one, I imagine), that can give me some insight to how I'm feeling, where to go from here, or something. It's a lonely world I live in.
I will say that I am still quite young and not in a situation like yours at all. But I really want to try to give my own sort of perspective on it or something like that. I used to feel how you described but when I was growing up. Going to school was always a huge facade and I pretended to be interested and would do things that were expected of me because of my gender. It really wore me down a lot. I know that for you it might be really difficult to maybe explore transitioning because you have children and a job that if I understand right is tied to your identity and changing that so drastically will effect work even more than it would say an office job. Since being on hormones I am happier about my body. I can't say I am super happy and all great feeling but I don't think about it nearly as much as I used to and it doesn't weigh me down as much. I worry about things that aren't my body/genitals and it is really nice to worry about other things as weird as that sounds. Hopefully that can help somewhat, I don't mean that transitioning is the answer but what you describe sounds like how I used to feel and for me transitioning seemed to be the answer. Hopefully as I get further along the process I feel even better. I really hope you find an answer of some sort! <3
Thank you for responding. It's comforting to hear from someone else that's experiencing this. About 13 years ago I started taking hormones, and had to jump through some major hoops to do so. I stopped, because of social pressures, and have very much regretted it. Outside of music, people are used to seeing me in a masculine way. It's only on stage that I really "deck myself out" in the most feminine way I can manage, and you're right, changing that could (and probably would) alter a lot of things regarding my work-state right now. I'm very open with my children, and they're aware (as much as they can be at their ages) of who I am. My eldest (who's just started going through puberty) has been coming to me lately with the same feelings I have, and I can only imagine they've done so because of my openness with them. I've considered transitioning still, but am very unsure at the moment.
There is so many hoops they seem to put up and they even light a few of them on fire. Perhaps you could really slowly subtly tone down the make up and all of that stuff on stage over a long period of time? It probably won't fix the problem but not taking off a bunch of makeup after work might help you feel a tiny bit better? I wish I had solid advice or the answer to the whole thing. I always feel weird trying to give advice because I only know my own experiences and I don't want to say the wrong things >.<
I really appreciate your input. I think you're right, about making slow changes over time, and maybe people will be far more accepting that way.
