Coming out to my kids?

Do you need to tell them? I'm just allowing my kids to see me an and my partner together and one day they will see it as normal. But teaching your kids about equality etc, and same sex partners might help your situation.

Whatever you decide I'm sure it will be best for your family.

Good luck with it all.

 

I was married once, and have three children from that marriage. After the fact I started learning a lot about myself (genderfluid/pansexual), and chose to be open with my kids when they asked questions (direct, or at least relevant). I spoke to them just the way I would anybody else, but in words they could understand, and relate to. As I've found with most children, they were curious but immediately accepting. I personally found it easier to explain things to them as they came up, instead of pushing an issue, though I feel talking to them before introducing them to my lifestyle changes helped greatly.

For reference, they are ages 9 1/2, 8, and 6 1/2

 

Understand your hesitations, I was so worried about coming out to my adult daughter... will I still be allowed to see the grandkids etc.. I built up the courage and did it, much to my surprise she said that's cool Dad, I'm bi. Of course I understand not all go as well.

 

If you're not currently dating anyone, that would be easier. You can just be a full-blown lesbian when you already found someone to introduce. It would definitely help if you teach your children that we should respect people's various gender identification, sexual orientation, etc. And that they are no lesser human beings than other people. Make sure they understand why a divorce is taking place and that you love them whatever happens. Don't be too anxious about it and in time, they will understand your situation. Not everything may go well, but it's better to be honest than lying/keeping it secret to your children. Young children are also much more open-minded and easier to teach than older adult ones.

 

Should have commented here - just posted a thread myself about telling my youngest about my boyfriend. My kids have been accepting and even slightly disinterested in the fact that I'm gay, and very good about the boyfriend as well. When all is said and done, if you're happy, you are a better example to them of stability and sanity than if you're miserable. They may need to adjust a bit, but you'll be more available to them emotionally once it's all out in the open. It is nerve-wracking to get to that point, though! (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Kids are usually more accepting than adults. Thankfully

 

Telling them you're gay and then you're in a relationship at the same time could be a little much at once. Sometimes they need time to process and accept.
I understand the feelings of guilt for changing their lives. I did tell my kids, two of them older, youngest 8. I just posted somewhere else what my 8 year old said, but I'll put it again, maybe it'll give you inspiration.
Couple weeks after I told her, she looked at me and said, 'if you get married again, will you marry a girl?' I told her yes, and she said, 'That means you're gay! I know what that is, I learned about it at school. It's ok to be gay, weird, but ok.' It may go better than you expect.
One of the reasons I decided to come out was because of one of my daughters. 15, and absolutely no expressed interest in boys. I could be wrong, but if she happens to like girls instead, I didn't want her to experience the pain of the closet like I did, I want her to know it's ok to be who you are.
Finally, if I am wrong about her being gay, I still see it as an opportunity to show my children that you shouldn't have to hide who you are even if it means going against what society considers normal. We shouldn't feel guilty for being true to ourselves, but hold our heads high, and be proud of who we are.

 

I don't have personal experience here but being a father looking for the best time to come out to my son I have been paying attention for a while. One benefit of coming out to your children during the divorce is that it takes away any self blame your children may be experiencing. There is no longer a question of what they may have done wrong or what they could have done to save your marriage. It is clear Mommy is gay. Mommy needs to be with a woman not a man. This seems to have worked for some in an amicable divorce. I agree with HTBO that our actions here serve us as role models.

 

I pretty much in the same boat as you. Not sure if to combine the divorce discussion with telling my daughter (who is same age group as yours) I am gay or waiting for some point after the divorce. I have received a lot of advice all over the place on the timing of coming out to kids. Some people have said do it all at once so the kids know its not them, others said to wait so the kids don't associate the divorce with being gay. The support group I am in which is for married, formally married gay mean generally think it depends on the age. But the general consensus was to wait if the kids are very young so I am somewhat confused like you. I do plan on getting a child therapist so I plan on asking that person as well. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

I waited a couple of years after my wife and I separated. The girls were 3.5 and 6 at the time we separated, and I thought it was too young. Plus, I wasn't in a really positive place with it myself. (Maybe like you?) So I waited.

What I've been told is that it is best to tell your kids when they are in the 7 to 12 age range. They are old enough to understand the concept of relationships and young enough that they are still taking their moral cues from their parents - rather from their peers. I suppose in today's society, there are many places where even at school the message about gays is very positive, so it might not be as much an issue.

But I'd say wait until you're feeling comfortable about it. That might come before you meet someone, or it might come after. My husband came out to his kids before he was dating someone (although we had met already) where as I came out to my kids after we were dating - so my kids could be introduced immediately to my boyfriend.

A lot of this has to do with how your ex spouse is handling all this. If they can be positive and supportive of you, then that will help the kids be positive about it. That was my experience. My husband wasn't so lucky - and his orientation (and his new boyfriend - me) were not discussed at all in this ex wife's home as far as I know. So his kids have been a little more 'stand offish' about the whole topic.

At any rate - good luck. I'm sure it will work out in the end.