So, I have been honest with myself now for almost 8 weeks. I am able to say - I am a proud gay man who lives in a closet. Before 8 weeks ago, I was just a married man who likes gay porn and m2m contact. When I first talked to my spiritual director/counselor I told him that "I think I might be gay." So, I guess I have made progress. I know I am gay and I know that this part of me has been seeking to be known since I was in college. I feel better about myself just saying this. I had carried such shame and self hatred for the inability to stay away from the gay porn and the drive and need that would surface every few months for some intimate m2m contact, even if it was a massage. I am now at a plateau. I hate the deception I feel with my wife. I hear her comments about our lack of sexual intimacy very differently now. I hurt when I hear her tell me that I am all that she has in the world now that her parents are gone, and that I am the only one who really cares for her. She praises my care for her, and thanks me daily for loving her and sharing life with her. So I am here on this plateau. Knowing who I am, but not knowing how to move forward or when. Next March is our 25th wedding and she wants to renew vows. I would like a chance to find happiness with a man. I really hope that I might experience true love with someone that I am sexually interested in. I want to share life, a dinner, a movie. I want to wake up next to him and just lay in bed awhile until getting up and fixing breakfast. And then there is the financial job issue. I am an educator whose area is ministry. I am connected to a church that is not welcoming of LGBT. In order to get off this plateau, I have to risk everything. I am not sure I can do it. I am not sure it is worth it. I am not sure I have the right to destroy my wife's dream and future. But then I am not happy living in the closet either. I want to be known without feeling I have to hide and deceive. I want to be a voice for compassion and acceptance for all people. I am not afraid of my family, my parents or sisters. My wife's family, her sisters, brothers, nephews and nieces will be shocked, there will be some who understand, but most who will not. My work associates and those I have been in ministry with over the years will be shocked and some of them will be very disappointed, and I will lose my ministerial credentials and I will have to resign my current job at the school I teach at. So, I am plateaued and not sure how or when to move forward. I feel somewhat tired and drained yet freer than I have felt in years. I am gay and moving slowly to let the world know that I am here. I continue to read and be thankful for this community. With a heart of love for a bunch of digital strangers I call brothers and sister, Peace - Josh (&&&)
Perhaps what feels like a plateau, is really a pause to catch your breath. If you have come out to yourself in the last 8 weeks, after YEARS of holding it in and holding it together, that is BIG. As I go through this process, friends have encouraged me to take the time I need, and I appreciate that more every day, as this is incredibly complicated and loaded with emotion for everyone. For me, the intensity keeps coming in waves, and it shows no sign of stopping in the near future. So it is important to continue to breath, and find moments of serenity. God bless you, and your family in the days to come.
Our friend above makes such good sense. I'm just here to echo his sentiments and do the usual hug thing (*hug*) Best wishes
Thanks for the reminder. Yes. I think I am needing this pause. I lifetime of hiding is being being unraveled part by part. I would just like to get it over with. I wish I was 20 years younger this would be easier and I would probably move quicker. Although I see the challenges that others describe no matter our age. I am so happy that the world is so much more open. I believe that somehow I may be being invited to create a disturbance within my Christian "tribe" I am not sure that I am up for the struggle, but it grieves me deeply to know that my "tribe" is so non-Jesus like when it comes to welcoming all of God's people. Thank you Sig for the hug. Thank you beingearnest for reminding me what a Big journey this is. I have come a long way in two months. My wife and I will be heading out on vacation to Calgary. I hope I can stay focused and enjoy the change of scenery. I have wondered about talking to my wife about my discoveries while away. This is probably not the best idea though. Any advice? How have others determined when the right time is to share with a spouse?
It came as a real shock to my wife. She wishes that I had shared with her earlier, when is was still questioning. From my side I don't think I could have handled that,but maybe it would have been helpful, I could have started therapy earlier. ... If you're not talking to a therapist, that may be a good place to start. When the time comes to speak to your wife, I recommend thinking about her needs in the days that follow. It is painful. Others can share better than I on how open the world is today. I am beginning to see that some elements look a lot like when I was growing up. The pressure to stay in the closet can be strong, especially in the tribe. As I pray about it, I keep coming back to the need to trust in God each day, each step of this journey. You and your family are in my prayers.
Josh, I have no advice -- just wanted to say: I feel your pain and wish you the best in your journey. I will keep you in my good thoughts and prayers.
Thank you findingmyway. I realize that only I can figure this out. We all walk in different shoes. We share some common pain, but all journeys are so unique.
Yup. I've never said this in terms of my homosexual attraction, but whenever people ask me for advice, I like to say: "My life is enough work." Which is the truth... Good luck.
