What on earth is going on with me I've been in questioning mode for over 3 years now and freaking out about what to do with it all it's all so confusing I don't know if I'm lesbian,bi curious or maybe I'm just becoming too self aware and making all this thinking of who I am too complex.Tonight my mind has gone into hyper mode I have an urge to just blurt out that I'm gay to my male partner of 10 years why won't this intrusive thought stop?? I know by blurting it out like this is going to be a nightmare I'm not prepared for the hate and rejection from everyone that I know I will endure his not understanding infact he doesn't even believe when I told him over 10 years ago I'm bi curious.My thoughts are racing as I type this it's like I'm full of adrenaline,I've been thinking over and over of the consequences of what I say will effect our family,friends future I don't know if this is all real is this really me? Maybe our relationship needs fixing maybe I need to see a sex therapist to help me get my mojo back my desire for love for him.Im so emotionally torn right now I can't think straight on one hand I hate this feeling like something's missing feel like everything I do is fake like I'm very self aware of my surroundings and how I'm living but I see the happiness of my family why can't that be enough for me to put this all past me? On the hand I have this thing in my mind that's saying just say just say your gay but thus thing isn't aware if the consequences involved it's not something that should be toyed with it needs to be fully meant with no regrets full confidence in myself to not step back and say oh hey maybe I made a mistake by saying that maybe I'm so much filled with insecurity fear and all the rest that comes with it.Sorry all I'm just feeling so emotionally drained I don't know which way to go
(*hug*) I think a LGBT friendly therapist would help you. I wish I had started seeing one before I came out to my ex. There were too many things swirling around in my head when I told him I was gay. There are things I should not have said that were not about me being gay. I was in a place of fear and many things had not been thought out.
Imagine you have everything, loving family, nice house, good job, car, etc. And now imagine there's a little stone in your shoe that you can't get rid of but you wear that shoe 24/7, day after day. Can you feel happy? What I wanted to point out was that even though in theory to see happiness of your family should probably overweight that void you're feeling, in reality could you fully enjoy your family happiness when you yourself feel emotionally torn? I was thinking about the video you posted today, concretely that grenade association. I've been clenching that grenade for so long that my knuckles are getting white and my muscles sore. I know I need to throw that grenade eventually. I think that I'll either feel ready enough to do so intentionally, or I will reach that point when holding the grenade will bring me so much unbearable pain that I drop it because of exhaustion.
Feel your pain. Having a' my heads going to burst day'. I too have contemplated not saying anything for the sake of not rocking the boat. I don't know how long I'll be able to cope with that. I hope everything doesn't blow up during an argument. That won't benefit anyone. My heads never been such a mess.
I think it's time that you listen to that little voice inside of your head. It seems like you are really struggling at the moment and believe me, I know the feeling all too well. I know for me, I could no longer fight my feelings for women because denying my feelings started to make me feel physically ill. I was either not eating or overeating, drinking excessively, and partying way too much. I was pretty much trying to escape from reality, but that little voice inside of my head still wanted to be heard no matter what I tried. Eventually I decided to break up with my boyfriend who is also my kids father. And it was really difficult at first, because we had been together since I was 19 years old. But it was probably one of the best decisions I have made because I was finally able to be myself. And I think you deserve to live life in a way that will truly make you happy. I know it is scary making that first step and possibly starting over, but it is so worth it. After I broke up with my kids father, I dated a few women, but nothing really serious. Fast forward to now, my kids father and I actually decided to get back together after being apart on and off for the past several years. And we are actually expecting another baby, and while I couldn't be happier, that little voice inside of my head is back. It's quite annoying at times, especially since I know that I most definitely prefer to be with a woman. It's just so confusing at times, but I've decided to just take things one day at a time and whatever happens, happens. If you ever want to talk, I'm here (*hug*)
You sound like I do never feeling truly confident in your emotions because they are constantly fluctuating to this or that, it's not easy being wired that way but otoh, it's never a dull moment being bombarded with different thoughts, desires really. Just when you think you got it figured out, by some force of the unknown things get muddled again and there you are, questioning it all again. Only thing that's made it easier for me is giving myself permission to live a little, I mean experiment with it, skate along the inner edge of your comfort zone and see if you like where it's going, if not, then there, you finally know where it is and don't have to wonder anymore.
