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gay shame. i freakin tired of it. rant!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by offmychest, Jun 16, 2014.

  1. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    So on friday as i was in a straight lounge for an event and i was checking a guy out i felt rage inside. Here was a guy i thought was hot. I wanted to talk to him, flirt, make a move or do something that straight guys do to straight girls in any normal day to day environment where people are single and then i knew i couldnt. Because i did not want the rep of being the weido gay guy trying to flirt with a straight guy in a straight club..was he straight...who knows. Did i feel like puttin myself out there only to be rejected by another so-called straight guy. No. Im so friggin tired of everyone saying "there are different types of gay guys and not all of them are fem obviously gay". Yes i know this but these passable straight gays are well versed in hiding and are usually shy so u never know who they are. Anyway i felt so much shame for checking out his body but i told myself STOP IT. STOP FEELING GUILTY. ITS OK TO HAVE SEXUAL THOUGHTS!!! Look. I want a boyfriend darnit. I want to get physical with someone I AM ATTRACTED TO. I want freaking butterflies!. Im tired of being in the background or apologizing to myself and subconsciuosly apologizing to others because i like guys. I have been attracted to same sex for as lomg as i can remember. When other kids were busy thinking about sports and stuff i was in first and second grade feeling ashamed and dirty because i wanted a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. I was crying at night in third grade asking God to please dont make me like this. Im tired of repressing. Im tired of seeing guys i cant ever be with or even date. Im tired of all the sterotypical gays that reinforce why i wish i was not like this. Im tireddddddddd!. Coming out to the people i have hasnt made me happier. Hasnt opened any magical gay doors. Hasnt made things easier. It just shows that i dont even have the freakim energy anymore to keep lying and double taking to close friends and family when they ask me why i am single..heck good question...cuz guys are full of sh!t. Everyone talks about wanting a good guy. Wanting something real and how there are so many "regular" gaybguys out there. Where are they??????? Im tired of people acting offend when anyome points out the reality about being gay. The drugs. The promiscious sex. The constant demands for nude oics. The beauty culture. The fem culture. The leather culture. I feel like i am in this freakin cycle. I wanna feel good and normal and i keep seeing abnormal stuff anytime i am in anythjng gay. Where are the clean cut gays with jobs and handsome married types...ill tell u where rhey are. Married wirh kids cuz they did not have enough strength to out up with all this bullsh!t. For all you guys that are thinking about leaving your wife for this think long and hard. Not sure if i can get a woman that is a ten. Why do i constantlybhabe to settle for guys that are a 2 or 3. Im not even all about looks. But gosh. Dont i have the right to want what i thinkis a good match for me. Very polished professional beautiful women are attracted to me and i always seem to have to settle for soem guy that looks like he just rolled out if his bed and has nothing going for him or the well meaning guy that nobody wants beacuse he isnt cute. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

    ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2014 at 12:18 PM ----------

    As far as meeting gay guys in non gay places. I have tried this everywhere. Its easy. Gays are everywhere. But heres what happens.. 1. They flirt with you or break bro code and carry on text conversations with you for weeks and months and you are always wondering is he gay or isnt he. Then when you finalky out yourself he "isnt gay" but you later see him around all gay and otherwise confirmed closeted gay guys. 2. You meet them and think they are more masculine but after going out the fem traits come out. If i want a woman i can get one. 3. Druggies. They later mention weed or coke usage. 4. If they are clear that they are also gay...thats great but usually they will say or start aski g for pics which and they want nude ones. Gee thanks no way freak! Are there any attractive good old fashiomed guys that otherwose would be married of to a stepford wife? Thats what im lookin gfor but it seems people think that being gay also means you are a whore. I am not. I cant take this anymore. I cant so this anymore. I am so sick of this..never have this probelm when i was dating women..yiu can meet a nice beautiful anywhere and she reapects rhat you are not trying to get in her pants. As far as guys he actually is turned off whwn you arr not trying to get in his pants. This is a freaking alternate universe.
     
  2. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    Thanks for the people that looked at this but said nothing. Gee thanks. I nwed help ans advice and to know im not alone.
     
  3. QueerTransEnby

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    You are not alone. I have felt this many times. I get it. You just posted a few hours ago, so please give people some time. :slight_smile:
     
  4. bingostring

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    You are SO not aloneā€¦
    Its the eternal problem for many.

    Don't ask me what the solution is. I am no success story. But widening your social circles by taking up new interests will improve the odds of meeting someone in your magnetic field.
     
  5. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    Thanks guys. And this is not a fem bash. I love the fems. I domt wanna date them but fems are cool people and theres room.at the gay dinner table for all. I feel so bad inside. Honestky this is so hard for me. Im not all that but when everyone keeps sayin y r u single y r u single blah blah blah and rhen when u come out to them and exolain why people are like "oh yea i get it.makes sense but i dont know any gay dudes." Lol. Y try anymore. I have been trrated like sh!t. Talked about.made fun of and out down from so called gays that pick every thing and try and start drama if heaven forbid u r not into them and these peolel dont even measure up to the image of what they say they want.should i just settle for someone that i hate so i domt have to be alone anymore.?
     
  6. marriedover50

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    I hear your loneliness and longing for a normal life with just a regular guy who wants a house and picket fence and to be known as a respected member of society. I am so terrified of what you describe.. I want the "normal" life. I want a husband, friend, travel mate, lover. I want us both to be in good jobs within the mainstream. I want to become trusted confidants and friends and the lovers. I want more than a cock. You are right, you can find all the cock and self pics and porn, crazy stuff you want. I am tired of that. I want more. I want to be free and safe to be who I am without having to blend into a straight oriented world anymore.

    I hear you.. You scare me.. Not you your fears and cries scare me. I want and need to come out of the darkness and "straight-jacket" but I am afraid of aloneness. But I am alone now in my darkness, suffering, shame, guilt,and marriage. I am not a good husband to my wife, I am not a good lover. We are roommates without benefits. But if I come out, I lose it all.

    So. Brother. I hear you and cry for you and feel your rage.

    With compassion and love.

    Josh.
     
    #6 marriedover50, Jun 16, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2014
  7. OGS

    OGS
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    These kind of posts make me wonder if things have really changed that much from when I was younger. I mean I haven't been single for almost seventeen years but I honestly remember it being a little frustrating that everyone was perpetually husband hunting. I had more than a few awkward conversations that basically amounted to "I thought we would go to a movie, and you seem to think we are picking out china patterns." But I will say I know a lot of clean cut gays with jobs and most of them either are in long term relationships or desperately long for them. I know you say you're sick of people telling you they are out there but all I can say is--they are. I understand your frustration but most of the gay guys I know honestly aren't anything like what you describe. All I can say is keep hope alive.
     
  8. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    Thanks josh. The other day i was at a party. It was straight but of course the gays were there. They are always there in hiding. Well i came alone. I was dressed to the nines. In fact i got a complimemt on my appearance while i was walking down the street. I got the the event. There was a beautiful woman there that was interested in me. If i had asked for her phone number or a date she would have said yes. We made a great looking couple. But i saw a guy i thought was hot. He looked like he had nothing much going for himself. But i couldnt stop taking glances. He did not look at me though. When i went to the bathroom two men stared at me and smiled. I knew they were homosexual straightaway They were younger and rock n rollish and also not very attractive. I just smiled and said hello. So i remember wanting to cry inside. It was a perfect illustration of my daily pain. The chamce for a picture perfect life with a beautiful woman or the opportunity for a life with a guy that doesnt meet the same standards as the woman. There were a few guys that looked great and professiinal but they had girlfriends. I know someone will say try a gay sports league. Tried it. It was a lot of cat calling fem guys literally switching around. Not all of course. But enough there to make me feel alienated and uncomfortable. I just wanna be around other fuys like myself and that is nothing against against anyone else but its really hard to find. Well josh you can meet a guy im sure and mayne there is anorher guy just like u. But finding him is the challenge especially omce you get older. Theres so much rejection even if you look great. Its a very hard lifestyle
     
  9. fndngmyway

    fndngmyway Guest

    It seems many of us want a "normal" gay life. Seems strange, with all the recent progress in gay equality, that the gay stereotype -- which doesn't appeal to me -- is still my main thought.

    I went to a diner with a group of gay men about a year ago. I was beginning to feel comfortable until they started discussing a party they attended -- and they all pulled out pictures of themselves in drag. Without a word, I'm sure my face conveyed my feelings. That's not a judgment on their character -- I think they were all very nice guys -- but that situation made me uncomfortable as hell.

    So you're not alone in your discomfort, offmychest. And I appreciate your input, OGS. I've got a way to go to find a comfort zone for myself.
     
  10. marriedover50

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    Offmychest,

    I am glad you are talking about it. I see how hard this is for you. I am not sure where I would start. Starting over is scary. I have learned to hide in the straight world so long. I am not hiding my personality, just my orientation and desires. I am just a guy.

    I posted a Quick message to your wall. I cannot, nor can you send private messages yet. I have requested full membership but I am still waiting. I sent you A friend request too.

    Feel free to keep venting and ranting. I meet weekly with a counselor that is helping me process and make wise decisions. Again, I feel your pain and feel so powerless and sad.

    I am still working on letting go of all the years of self hatred and self judgement. I realize that I have to become whole again before I can ever link up with anyone else.

    I am on a healing journey. I will pray for yours too.

    Josh
     
  11. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    From your lips to Gods ears my child. I need all the help i can get.
    Findingyourway....yes i have given up on anything remotely mainstream..its almost like i am picking people based on the least amount of camp they have since iknow it goea part and parcel with the lifestyle.
    ogs....can you give me directoins to naria. Sounds like a great place where you live
     
  12. OGS

    OGS
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    I guess my question would be--why do you worry so much about the stereotype? I mean certainly don't be that way if it's not you, bu why worry about it? So, for example, with regard to the dinner out why did it make you so uncomfortable? Were they sharing some sort of deep-seated desire to be feminine or were they sharing an evening that was notable because it was sort of a lark? My guess is the latter. I've done drag--only on Halloween, but more than once. I didn't do it for any other reason than because I can--I don't have to worry about what people might think. It was dress up and it was Halloween. The fact of the matter is even straight guys do it on Halloween. It's Halloween, it's a lark, it doesn't have to say anything about who they fundamentally are. My guess is that it still wouldn't have bothered you if it was a straight guy pulling out pictures of his wife and him in a couples costume where he was the cheerleader and she was the football player--I actually know a straight couple who did this and it was the hit of the party. My guess is that the reason it wouldn't have bothered you is because it wouldn't have said anything about who you are--but really the fact that the gay guys did it doesn't say anything about who you are and frankly doesn't really say much about who they are.

    ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2014 at 08:20 PM ----------

    I live in Chicago--it is very nice.:icon_wink
     
  13. fndngmyway

    fndngmyway Guest

    Good point. Like I said, I've got a long way to go. I don't ever doubt that all my feelings say far more about me than the crowd I'm with.

    Wishing you the best...
     
  14. OGS

    OGS
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    I'm trying to figure out how to say this in a way that is helpful rather than hostile--I even paused the TV and discussed it with my husband to try to figure it out... so please take it in the spirit in which it is intended. In my experience a lot of people adapt to their setting especially in gay venues, especially if they know people there. For instance I had a group of friends who were sort of bar friends in my misspent youth--I'm actually still friends with most of them but we've all partnered up and moved out of the hood. Well, we would go out and we had a dynamic to our group. We were rather what you would call campy. Most of us weren't that way in real life. In fact several of us were sort of young professionals who spent our weekends playing pick up basketball--not all of us but several of us. But you wouldn't have thought so in that group. What I'm saying is there's sometimes a vibe to gay events and venues and it's not always the kind of vibe I suspect you are really comfortable with. And the people who are really comfortable with themselves as gay men tend to adapt to that vibe--for the evening. So--and here's the part where I don't want it to come off wrong--by excluding from consideration people who have a bit of the "camp" to them my fear is that in straight groups you may be limiting yourself to either straight guys or deeply closeted guys and in gay venues you may be limiting yourself to people who aren't overly comfortable with themselves or with the fact that they are attracted to men. Neither of these demographics are the best to pursue a lasting relationship with. Just my thoughts... maybe I'm grasping at straws but since it seems you really are having a very rough time of it maybe it is time to start looking at different ways to think about it.
     
  15. Hyaline

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    This..... yes.....

    I am certainly that guy in the office nobody knows about unless I tell you. I have coworkers that know and I have others that haven't a clue. Gay venues tend to bring out the little kids in most of us. Something about a repressed youth maybe, who knows? The problem also is that alcohol tends to play a part in making many people reactive in a way where they go "extra super fabulous gay" while drunk/drinking. And of course, like you said, that isn't something particularly attractive.

    I've been in plenty of situations where I wanted to talk to a guy I thought was cute but was worried that the reaction might that he wasn't interested or worse. I couldn't take the rejection so I chose to stay silent. I know in fact at least in one case I had a very real chance if I had just taken the bull by the horns.

    Maybe I am off base, but it sounds like you keep putting yourself in frustrating situations and then internalizing your frustration. The venues you are struggling with are likely going to continue to confound you. Perhaps rather than continuing to struggle with that. Go find a gay group that likes the same stuff you do. Hiking, bike riding, bowling, camping, fishing. There are groups for just about anything. If you can bond with people on a common interest level you might find that the introduction is much easier. Plus if you know everyone is gay that certainly makes it easier..
     
  16. quietman702

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    offmychest, I'm proud of you that you were able to speak your mind/heart here. truly you are not alone. i too have felt some of the same things... I thought when i came out that I'd be automatically part of brotherhood who have marginalized... but it didn't happen that way for me... at this time while i'm out to most... i still wonder sometimes was it good to come out? overall it has been good as i just couldn't do the lying anymore (to self and others)
     
  17. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    Hi guys and gals and everyone in between, i totally understand rhe campiness because i too sadly have gone "camp" in gay clubs almost in a mockery of how stupid the campiness is. Mine is more of a paradory or clear negstive portral of the campiness.i do it in defiance of the camp. For instance if someone comes up to me talkin in a overexaggerated camp accent or behavior touching or getting in my personal space which usually happens in a gay club/bar i serve it right back but go to the 10th power to let them know how annoying they are. I also love to randomly call people the b word as my club peer gays due for no apparent reason. They way i do it i make it clear i am not a member of the gay "camp". They get the message or they get baited into a chance for them to have an attitude which theyblove to do. Basically i rattle their cages as much as they rattle mine when they get in my face. I find it sad that i have stopped going to bars and clubs like single people do (straight) becausr the gays ones are so outer limits its hard to have fun if u dont join in the trainwrecks. And joining in isnt a good look for you either. Its just crazy as a straight man i would go to straight bars and clubs and peopel were dresses nicely and they had upscale places where you coukd lounge and network and listening to live music. Then i go gay and its like the freaking weird floodwaters rush in. Im sorry im not used to seeing men dresses as the guy from little shop of horrs and hairspray ( i loved his work by thr way) but i dont wanna get dressed up and go to that sorta thing. Its not fun for me and yes rhere are more mainstream guys there but you have to sift thru the craziest to find them. So something that is not a bad thjng (clubbing and lounging) turns into a let down. I do think sometines i have to just join into the craziest to find someone. Also im stsrting to think if i want anyine masculine i have to make myself a versaltile or bottom. So many trade off just to like guys. Im mot sexually active at this time but im starting to think once again i have to do something else i dont wanna do to meet some guy. Mayb i should just go asexual. Gay isny working for me

    ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2014 at 11:00 PM ----------

    Thks all as i work thru my anger. Clearly i am in the weeds and have been for years. I feel like a woman who is conplaining about menand the sh!t they put people thru. I feel like a closeted bi-curious lesbian who has tried guys for a while and then she should go back to women as they afe more nurturing amd feel more safe. Does that make me a transgendered bi? Sorry i got off topic. Anyway, i think the best i can do ia get more cofortable with myself. Stop trying to find a guy. Turn off any urge to look at a giy and face the facts ill most likely need to settle for something/someone im not i to before i get too old.
     
  18. LateRobert

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    Hi Guys

    Thought it was about time I put my bit in. So many times I want to respond to postings but I am sorry to say that lack of time, a demanding job... trying to see my kids and never seems to be enough time to just chill for me... Since coming out to my wife at the age of 54 after 24 years of marriage last August.

    It has been one hurdle jump after another. What partly kept me in the closet so long was concerns that I was of the minority... A country boy at heart, wanting only a monogamous relationship, and nothing to do with what I will call the all to common gay lifestyle. Looking only for an honest life with someone who feels the same as I.

    It pleases me to see there are so many like me..that want someone to build a loving relationship with..where being gay in just another part of me.

    I have come out to all of my family and friends over the last 10 months and feel accepted by all of them for who I am. My relationships with my kids have improved and I feel loved for the person I am.

    I understand that many guys have a need to go out there and sample much of the gay culture. That's fine for them, but just not my style.

    Hang in there. I don't ever regret coming out so late in life as now I am authentic and honest to everyone.

    There is someone out there for you. Please be patient and put yourself out there and in the meantime find some new hobbies to give yourself more opportunities to meet that man of your dreams.

    Big hug
     
  19. Richie.

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    Some people who view this don't have an EC account don't worry we're here for you!! It's ok to vent!!


    I feel shame still, but it's getting easier and easier because I've been in touch with healthy gay life and am doing therapy. Therapy is making me accept me being gay as ok!

    Don't be too hard on yourself well try not to be, whatever you're feeling is ok!
     
  20. OGS

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    It sounds like you need to find different gay venues including maybe different gay bars. I thought I had mentioned an experience here but apparently it was in a different thread--if you need any more indication that you are not alone there are like three threads remarkably similar to this one at the moment.:lol: So anyway, I'll put it in here too. A couple weeks ago we were out at a sports bar watching a game, having wings--that sort of thing. This group of straight guys come in--there are 6 of them. We remarked them because both my husband and I noticed none of them pinged our gaydar, not a bit. So we're wondering what's going on. You get a lot of mixed groups in gay bars--obviously straight women with gay men, straight women with straight men, even straight men with gay men (we had a straight guy who ran with our group back in the day)--but you really don't get straight guys, especially big groups of them. So we kind of watch and, to be honest, eavesdrop a bit. That's how we know that they actually were straight, had never been to the bar before and... that it took them 23 minutes--they were well into their second round--to realize they were in a crowded gay bar. I'm thinking that would be a great bar for you.:icon_wink There really are all kinds of gay people out there.