"Dazed" and confused: transitioning at 30 yrs old?

Hi all,

I'm new to EC. I've been reading posts on EC for a while now, but I could't bring myself to write. But finally.. Here I am. English isn't my mother tongue, so sorry in advance for any grammar errors (and for the length of this post).

I'm a 32 yrs old.. well.. person who has recently started questioning their gender.
I was born biologically female and, apart from a very brief period of my life (until I was 6 yrs old, when I actually liked skirts and pink) I've always been a tomboy, with short hair and gender-neutral clothes.
I've never questioned my gender, mostly because I didn't even know that it was something you can really question. What I mean is that I've always wanted to wear men clothes and not having breast BUT I've never actually thought "I want to be a boy". I don't know if it was because I didn't know it was something that was actually possible or because in the end I'm not trans.

During high school sometimes I thought I liked boys because I liked their bodies, even if I always ended up trying to imitate or behaving like the guys I thought I liked. Back then I wasn't educated on the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity, so I thought I was a straight female who actually liked male bodies. That was until I was 19 when I was forced to admit that I didn't actually like to have intimacy with males and that I actually liked women. But I still couldn't explain why even if I didn't want to have sex with men I "liked" their bodies (Was I bisexual?).
Now I think that I might have confused attraction with envy (but more about confirmation bias later). To complicate things, for me it was difficult (and sometimes it still is) to understand and accept my sexuality mostly because of something that happened to me when I was a kid that has been always interfering with my feelings and with my attempt to be intimate or even social with people.

Anyway, in my 20s I came out as a lesbian but it didn't go well and, because of that and for a thousand other reasons, I then forced myself back into the closet.. Until last year when I decided that it was my last possible moment (long story) to come to terms with who I was. I came out again to my mother and some friends and now I'm finally out of the damn closet. And I was so happy not having to hide myself anymore.
But what happened soon later it was that all these other thoughts started wandering in my brain. Thoughts about my body that I've always hated, about me not wanting a breasts and me sometimes feeling I have a phantom penis. I started to do some online research on the subject, to watch videos on Youtube, to talk about it with my therapist..
And I started to freak out because now I may have a name for me hating my body so much: it's gender dysphoria. But when I look online all I can find are videos and blogs of young people, who "always knew" they were trans. So I started wondering if all of this mess in my brain is unreal and maybe I got confirmation biases when I looked for "clues" in my past.

I'm in a kinda bad place right now: sometimes I'm really upset because of gender dysphoria, and I'd give everything to be able to get rid of my chest and my female body and I freak out because I know that I can't afford to physically transitioning; sometimes I freak out thinking about the reaction that my mother, my family and my friends would have if I told them; sometimes I freak out because I think that maybe all this mess and this feelings are actually unreal, that I'm not trans or genderqueer but instead a cisgender female who just got mental.
Even if I've always been pretty good to separate my body from my mind and shut down feelings since childhood so that I can deal with everyday life and work as a "robot", these thoughts started to interfere and it's become harder to focus on work and social life.

So, to sum everything up.. I'd be very thankful if anybody would feel like answering me: Is it possible for this gender confusion to start so late in life? Can confirmation biases and, on the other hand, some childhood bad things interfere with your gender identity? And, if you actually realize you're transgender so late, how do you deal with it?


Thank you for your patience in reading this superlong rambling and confused post..

 

Thanks for answering! I posted this again in the other section.

---------- Post added 20th Jun 2014 at 08:32 AM ----------

It's really difficult for me too to put it into words.. It's not that I've never wanted to be a boy.. For example, I remember that since I was a kid when I watched kids-movies I always wanted to be one of the guys, I wanted to have their body (flat chest!) but I didn't know it was something even remotely possible. It was just like thinking "I want a unicorn and fly to one of Saturn's moon". But despite this desire, I wasn't one of this kid who really question their gender since their super young or who get dysphoria before puberty (I actually learned the word "dysphoria" last year). And when puberty hit I really didn't want my chest to grow or to have my period, but some of the girls in my class didn't want to so.. it wasn't a turning point.

Now, I'm not very feminine, I'm still a tomboy, I wear men clothes and I discovered the "joy" of binding. I don't know where I am in my journey to find myself. I'm.. experimenting to see what I find comfortable or uncomfortable. But sometimes, when I look at the bigger picture (possible physical transition/family reactions etc) I do freak out and my age still bothers me.

I really hope that it gets better from here too, for all of us who are struggling with their personal closet. And you're right, people on EC are really the warmest and kindest ever!

Thank you so much for answering me, I'm not very good with advice but if you need to "talk" I'm here.