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Still trying to work things out!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Quest2, Jun 19, 2014.

  1. Quest2

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    It's been a while since I posted on here, been trying to move my life forward. My life has taken such a turn, I feel completely overwhelmed by everything.
    Firstly I am happy, I have found someone special that I love dearly and I know she feels the same way about me. When we are together I feel strong and almost untouchable.

    We had planned to move in together once we had left our marriages but I put that on hold after feeling we were moving too fast. There are complications that are fast becoming obstacles, we both work in education and at the same place. We have been keeping our relationship a secret but now find ourselves the centre of constant gossip and speculation.

    When one of us enters a room...the conversation stops. I feel so uncomfortable now at work that I just want to run away. It takes me all my strength just to come in in the morning. My biggest fear is that the kids will overhear the gossip from staff and my position will be compromised and so will my girlfriends.

    I have not felt very comfortable in public holding hands and notice so many stares and looks when we hold hands in a bar. I never thought that having a relationship could be so difficult, I feel like I am on the outside, almost like I am constantly sneaking around. I can only hope that this gets easier.

    I feel angry about the gossips but there is nothing I can do about them, I can only try to ignore them. I love my girlfriend and our time together is incredibly special, so why do I feel at such a loss regarding the future and visualising being able to settle down together? I feel like I put barriers up all the time, I act like I am ashamed for anyone else to know about us. Why the hell am I doing that?

    Sorry for the rant! I am still trying to work so many things out and I don't really have anyone I can talk to quite so openly!
     
  2. quietman702

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    hi quest, thank you for reaching out to EC. first it is a truly safe place to express yourself as you have done. are you scared rather than ashamed? scared of having your secret known, somehow losing your job? these are very valid fears. i'm sensing that you and your girlfriend work together... if i can ask is she or you the superior role at work? i'm just asking these questions not to be nibby and i understand that this may be too personal to talk about here and i honor that. it's natural to want to protect yourself so take a deep breath, let the gossips talk as you and she know that truth.
     
  3. Sig

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    Hi quest
    Congrats at finding someone special in your life, and for being brave enough to be you. I think you answered your own question really, in your opening paragraph…..You feel "overwhelmed by everything." Can I suggest that those words underscore your dilemma right now.
    It sounds as though you haven't been with your special one for too long, and that this is all new to you. Could it be that you're expecting too much of yourself, too soon. Its a lot to ask of yourself that you turn your life upside down, inside out, spin it round a couple of times, and walk away on non-wobbly legs, smiling.
    if I were to give any advice at all, I'd say, keep being brave, take it slow, and don't ask yourself to run while your learning to walk.
    Very best of luck. Be happy.
    (*hug*)
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Having a romantic relationship in the workplace can be tricky, and given this one also involves you both leaving a heterosexual marriage to enter into a gay relationship, that is bound to fuel the rumour mill - unfortunately.

    If you're in a position to get in front of the gossip and just talk openly about it, then that might be the way to go. But if you're not ready to do that, then you might have to just put up with it. Another althernative would be for one of you to transfer to a different school - depending on the type of education you work in and where...

    But as Sig has said, this is all going to take time for you to get used to and to feel totally comfortable with. You're juggling a bunch of stuff, all of which is difficult. Have you considered counselling? Having someone to talk to about all this - and to help you keep things in perspective or to help you arrive at decisions - might be helpful. I certainly found that to be the case.
     
  5. Quest2

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    Thank you all for your replies, I am very grateful for a different perspective. Quietman702 you are right about me being scared about the truth being known, I am ashamed of myself for feeling that way. I am a very private person and have kept my true self hidden for so many years, to be suddenly exposed in such a public way without my consent makes me feel out of control. I am not my girlfriends boss but I am in the management team.

    Sig you are totally right about me being overwhelmed. This is new to me, the strength of my feelings has taken me by surprise. My life has been quite literally turned upside down, thank you, I will try to take things slowly!

    Jim1454 I have been dreaming about confronting the main gossips, it is one of the most unpleasant feelings to have conversations stop when you enter a room. I get angry at them...what business is it of theirs? Have I suddenly become a different person just because I am gay?

    I had considered counselling and think it is probably a good idea. I am not ashamed of who I am, or who I love. I feel isolated all the time, my family accept me but don't want to know about my relationship. I think talking is definitely the answer.

    Thank you again!
     
  6. Really

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    I don't know if this is doable or whether it would even diffuse things a bit but when you walk into the room and they go silent, do they also look at you? If it were me (and I know I'm very different from most people), I would pantomime, with a bit of exaggeration, checking out my outfit to see if I had spilled something down my front. You know, arms out front, checking sleeves front and back, smoothing out the front of my shirt, checking the front of my pants/skirt.
    I guess I'd be hoping that they'd realize their undo/unwanted attention was ridiculous because, "There's nothing to see here."
     
  7. Quest2

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    Really I like your style! I will certainly give that approach some consideration. The whole thing becomes quite pathetic really when you think about it rationally! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Really

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    Hey thanks! Let me know how it goes if you try it. Oh, yeah, don't forget the shrug at the end to indicate you thinking, "Just as I thought, nothing."
    Good luck!