I posted this in the coming out advice section as well, but thought I should post it here as well. So I plan to finally talk to my wife about my sexuality and to begin being more honest with my history of coming to terms with it. Quick background on my wife: She is a very open minded progressive woman who heavily supports the LGBT community and is in involved with our local HRC. She knows that I have been, albeit a one night stand, with a man right before we met 12 years ago. She has seriously asked me after we were married if I was indeed gay and has made harmless jokes about it through out our relationship. I've been wanting to have this discussion with her for a while now, but we've had a rough few years in our marriage and I didn't want this to be another issue, but now we seem to be on a better footing and I think it's time to tell her. My question is, and why I'm seeking advice is, how do I begin the conversation? I realize it's kind of one of those things you just have to say, but every time I've had a perfect set up to say something, I've choked. One of my biggest hurdles is that I'm a little embarrassed that it's taken this long to say something to her and I'm still not sure exactly where I stand with my sexuality. So, after all that, how do I start the conversation?
The question for me is what outcome are you trying to achieve? Do you want to split? Do you want freedom to explore? I told my wife prior to any physical explorations on my part. I told her because a) I saw the pain I was causing her and b) I thought I was ready to explore more, and didn't want to be unfaithful to her. At least if she married a gay husband he could be faithful. Anyway, I am now out of the house, and still not ready to explore more. What can I say? I've got issues! But for you, I am not telling you what to do or how to do it, but really think through what her reaction may be, and what you want for yourself.
I came out to my wife after 11 years of marriage and being together for 14 years. I was scared $hitle$$, After several attempts to tell her (choke artist) and a few months go by, I finally decided that I would just have to write her a letter. I handed it to her as we laid down in bed, the following conversation lasted several hours. In the end she was more concerned if I had or hadn't cheated on her, than if I also liked guys. That was 2 years ago. Our story has a relatively happy continuance, I sincerely hope yours goes as you wish too.
I'd agree that you need to understand yourself why you want to tell her this - because she's going to ask "So what does this mean for us?" She's also going to ask "Have you been with any men while we've been together?" To the second question it sounds like you can honestly say no, which is great. But what about the first question? Is it simply so that you can be more open and honest about how you're feeling or who or what turns you on? Do you want to watch bi porn with her? Do you want to invite a 3rd person into your bedroom? Do you want to explore this on your own with her permission? There are several possiblities, and these will all race through her mind as soon as you tell her. So you need to think about it yourself and be ready to share.
I think these are all great responses. This is a sort of follow-up to Jim1454's post. I might add that I am married to a Bi-Man who when he came out to me was terrified of my reaction but it turned out to be an amazing experience for both of us. In actual fact in our follow-up talks I gradually started to realize that I was Bi as well, but that is beside the point here. To me, if your wife truly loves you , she will be understanding in the long run but she will just need some immediate reassurance and I mean immediate. Like others have said be prepared for the inevitable fear based on the Bi stereotype that we are all promiscuous. She will wonder what you want from the relationship and if she alone is adequate enough for you. You need to reassure her that you will let her know the second you have any desires to explore beyond your relationship with or without her that way you won't be hiding anything that will build up and manifest in secrecy. You may also be surprised and find that it liberates her as well as your relationship. I don't mean that in a sexual way. I mean that since she suddenly sees you for who you fully are and you finally feel comfortable in your skin, you have the potential for an amazing relationship. You never know but I strongly suggest telling her as soon as you can. One suggested start of the conversation: "I've been wanting to tell you this for awhile but the longer I wait the more embarrassed I have become about waiting so long. Please understand that I am still trying to figure this out but I strongly want you to be a part of this process and I want you to feel safe with me while I go through this process..."
