So I am married. Have been for 11yrs. Two kids. Recently discovered I might be gay. I fell for a coworker two years ago. Hard. She is a very out lesbian in a relationship. She felt the same. We no longer see each other. I need to figure out if this was a one time thing or if I really am into girls. I believe I am. I like to watch them. Talk to them. I want to feel what I felt with my coworker again. I had never felt like that before. It was all so intense and confusing. So if anyone has any suggestions that dont include cheating it would be awesome.
Its like I wrote that myself. Its hard. Because we tell ourselves, we we have to be somewhat straight right? We did have kids...with a man. Did you ever question before? Have you ever kissed a woman? Last time I did was 10 or so years ago, and I can still remember how her chapstick tasted/smelled. i have yet to feel that amazing of a kiss. How old are you?
I am 38. I kissed a couple of girls in my teens. Nobody I knew just some girls at clubs in the dark with too much goth makeup on. I kissed the girl I fell in love with two years ago. Amazing. Perfect and wonderful. 14 years ago before I met my husband I was wondering if I was into chicks. I met him before I could explore those feelings.
Even though I don't have kids...I can relate. I am 35, married to a man yet battle with my attraction to women. See I fell for a woman about 6 years ago. This one woman made me feel things I never imagined. I explored my feelings toward women but eventually met a great guy in the process and got married. During my time exploring my feelings, I explored the fact that It may of been this one woman who I was attracted to...and that I really wasn't attracted to other woman per say. I too, don't think I gave myself enough time to fully explore my feelings-but am content with my life right now. Coming onto this site has actually helped me because I realize that there are so many others that have gone through or are going through what I have and am going through.
I wish I could say I am content. I am restless and sad most of the time. I have no connection to my husband anymore. Once he gave me babies I lost interest. When I dig deep inside myself I feel that is all I wanted a man for. To give me kids. Now I want it to be just my girls and me. I wouldnt mind having a gf. But I dont think I would be lonely without one. I guess my biggest question is if I could really have sex with a woman. The thought of it really gets me hot but what would it really be like. I have never been as turned on as I was with this life changing girl. We only made out. But I had never felt so good. The world had disappeared.
I know your situation very well. The only difference is the person I fell for had no idea. But what did happen is it made me realize that I like women, not men. I had been miserable for so long, I was married for 9 years, and the thought of sex with him was a chore. I had no interest, yet didn't consider that I was interested in women until I met this one woman. After I met her, and began having feelings, I began to wonder why? I began to look closer at women and discovered I was attracted to them, absolutely everything about them. I then had the same dilemma you do, and I did eventually tell him (about 6 months after I had realized and began to accept). I was lying to him and to everyone else in my life, and I couldn't handle that so I came out. It was difficult, but worth it. My ex said he suspected (probably from the lack of interest in sex), but he was upset that I waited to tell him. It's worked out fairly well, and we are learning how to have separate lives yet be there for the kids (we're roommates, but the kids do know). I understand your concern about having sex with women. I haven't done it yet, but I know it's what I want to do, and not because I'm curious, it's who I'm attracted to. Men, no attraction at all. I think the uncertainty and fear of same sex experiences comes from our own internalized homophobia. I know for myself it has always been perceived as wrong, which was why I was in denial for my entire life. But, I also believe that will pass, it's part of the coming out process, part of self-acceptance, and part of overcoming our own fears, and accepting our desires. I think it's natural to be scared; it's completely different from what we know, and what society has taught us. When you are ready, you will know.
HTBO-So glad to hear about your journey. Good for you and your husband for working through it. Mine will not be as understanding. I had mentioned my attraction when it first arose with this gal. At first he was like ok I can see that and why. But then he became depressed and suicidal. I ended up telling him it was nothing because I thought I had feelings for her out of loneliness. Him and I work different shifts. But I did the same as you once those feelings were there I saw all women differently. I love the shape of them and how they walk. Starting watching them and shyly flirting with them. It was wrong of me to continue on like I did. Good luck and thanks for sharing. Your words are encouraging.
