I'm going to break this down into paragraphs to save confusion in my words. Today I feel very down in the dumps I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.I have so many "Family" and friends events to attend these past weeks I don't want to be part of it because if I do ever come out they will think well she just faked all of this straight life. I want to be alone and just stay asleep for a while to I can refuel myself to pretend to be happy crack a smile.I think I'm depressed and I don't know if it's because I'm really a lesbian and afraid or if all this unesscary thoughts and feelings are just self obsessions?? Ive been spending almost every night obsessed with googling info on how to know if your gay and not confused it's crazy I need to validate my feelings and thoughts. I just want to stop giving a damn what people may think or say about me.Im sick and tired of myself being so obsessed about my "true self" I'm starting to think I have some sort of hocd or maybe it's just sexual aversion.I feel like I'm drawn to certain parts of women when I'm not subconsciously thinking about it but when I do think of it I think to myself I can't be bothered thinking or testing myself. I feel I can't live authentically if I have this emptiness inside I've been doing little things to make me feel good to fit the norm but my mind always goes back to the questioning.I think I'm subconsciously accepting myself that's why I'm lacking the no care attitude sometimes but I still have the interlised homophobia that won't let me relax about it all.
I recognize a lot of this in myself recently. However, what I've also come to accept is that I can't get all the answers all at once, and that trying to force it along won't help. Especially since you've mentioned that you are emotionally and physically exhausted. When did someone that wiped out ever make the right decision? Maybe cut yourself a little slack? Try to just let it sit there for a moment and give yourself some rest? It'll still be there for you to wrestle with, but you might be more capable of figuring out your answer.
Agree absolutely with the advice given: Be kind to yourself LM. Take a break for a little while, to give yourself chance to rest. And one more thing, . . . Others will think whatever they think, which is rarely what we think they'll think, and if they do, who cares what they think. You'll get there LM. I wish you happy
Hi lostmyself oh I love the sound and sentiment of that. I feel like that also. I've been tuning in to my body more, and how it reacts to things. Lately, I've noticed a kind of 'whoosh' down there when I see or speak with a guy I feel drawn to. If I didn't have genuine same-sex attraction, that mini-arousal would not occur. Our bodies tell us what we need to know, we just need to listen. Just the other day, there was this really handsome young man serving at the bakery. I found myself trying to stay calm, and act cool, just like I used to have to do if it was a woman I felt attracted to. As I drove home I kept seeing his beautiful dark hair, eyes and features in my mind. Yep I can relate to your confusion. I only accepted this part of myself this year. It's all quite new to me. But I see it as an adventure, then it's alright. Life unfolds, not always in the way we expect. Just stay tuned to your body, don't get into your head about it too much. Our bodies can teach us a lot. As Bruce Lee said in Enter the Dragon, "don't think...feeel!" kind regards bf.
I've taken the philosophy that my orientation isnt the central part of me now just as it hasnt been before. Maybe for me its a little easier to be more laid back because there is someone that I'm attracted to in my life. I'm just letting things play out. I dont at all feel like I need to decide anything or make any declarations. I'm not in any oppressive atmosphere though. I also dont feel the need to tell anyone things that are ultimately none of their business.
Don't think "feel", I like that, but its not easy to stop endless questioning, It takes time to settle a bit. Do you have anyone you can talk to about everything, let it all out? Its really hard to stop telling yourself off, a veritable minefiedl for the mind. Shake your hair in the sunshine, and walk proud, you have got a lot further than a lot of people ever do, its not easy thinking the world is against you, and what everyone will think etc, creates mental blockers, making it harder yet. Give yourself time to adjust internally, and allow yourself to appreciate others, dont berate yourself, let it flow.
I vote for a vacation or something like that. I'm planning for a week in September to get the heck out of the country. Getting on a plane and jetting out of here is the only thing that makes me feel free and unconfined. Figure out what that thing is for you and do it!
I really thought that people would think I was "faking it" when I came out but a year and a half later they see how absolutely different I am. Happy. Not depressed. Not angry all the time. I know and they know that I am for real. I am a lesbian.
