I think this "means something" but any more when I feel in any way kinda like maybe I'm not gay is associated with my wife's pain in this situation. Today I'm in a very bad way.
Haven't seen much of an update from you recently, CyclingFan. What's been going on? I have been coming out very slowly over the last two months. I don't have a wife or even a girlfriend at this point, so I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is. It has been difficult for me- lonely and confusing, mostly- and certainly there have been some ups. The ups seem to happen more when I think of the long-term. The short-term has a lot of downs. What I'm trying to say is that the downs (in your case presumably your wife hurting), I have been considering and reconsidering that coming out isn't the right thing. I think it stems from years of convincing myself that I wasn't gay. When I think about (in my case) the years of watching gay porn exclusively, of pining after men, of being unhappy in my heterosexual relationships, I re-convince myself that this is the right thing, even though it hurts like hell right now. I of course don't know you- and don't want to tell you that you are definitely gay- or that coming out is the right thing to do- that would be ridiculously irresponsible of me. But think back to what compelled you to come out in the first place (from what I remember it was no easy decision), and try to think forward to what you had in mind then and what you thought your life could be. Hopefully that will help. Hang in there, man. This is not an easy thing. I had to google it but (I guess) it was Teddy Roosevelt who said 'Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.' Let us know what's up. I'll be thinking of you.
Sorry, I'm not expressing myself well today. Today is one of the real hard days. I'm tired, and stressed out and we got some financial news today that might just make this all more difficult. Still gathering info but something we thought we could do with our dumb house isn't possible. I dunno, feels like on the hard days that it's just too much and I just want to crawl back into my little cave in my head. I suppose that I'm happy that I can't do that.
I've been through the financial wringer with my recent divorce, but with a little luck and asking questions, sometimes a solution is found. Right now though, just call it a day and see what happens tomorrow!
If you ever find yourself going through hell, don't stop. I'm just about out of this hell I've found myself in. Hopefully you be in the same position soon.
Today was just a rough day all around. Tons of major stressors. I think I didn't notice them piling up, and things have been going well. My wife has been amazing through this whole thing. She's not happy about it, but we are trying to forge a new kind of relationship where we can be be good friends. And I'd been handling it well, better than I've every handled this sort of thing before. I'd been cutting my self some slack. My dad is out visiting and I haven't even figured out how to tell him we are getting divorced. All of this has really reopened some of big resentments for my parents, to boot. Sleep has been really messed up this week, haven't been able to exercise much either. I fell apart a little today in a way I haven't in a while. It was kinda scary. I know I have spent way too much time in my life in that place. Anyway, I'm home now, just relaxing. I don't have anywhere I have to be until tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully I can get some sleep whenever it wants to come. Feeling better now. ---------- Post added 20th Jun 2014 at 10:49 PM ---------- Oh and thank you everyone for your responses! They helped quite a lot today.
I wish this weren't true. I wish this wasn't happening. Sometimes I even wish that it had just stayed buried and I could have just lived my life as it was. There was some happiness there.
I don't know how many times I have thought this same thing. But then I realize, compared to now, there was very little happiness and I didn't know why. Change is always hard, but to find true happiness is even harder. You'll get there.
This is all true. I don't think I could crawl back into that closet now that I finally figured out I was in one.
Cyclingfan, I think the anticipation can sometimes be worse than the actual stressor. My fingers are crossed that your father will "be a dad," so to speak, and recognize that you need and deserve his support. Your quote today was so elegant, "I don't think I could crawl back into that closet now that I finally figured out I was in one." That's a profoundly insightful way of looking at your life, and--in a way--shows that you have some glimmer of hope for the future.
This weekend was just awful. I didn't even get a chance to talk about anything going on in my life. It was already just so charged. It's been a while since I've felt so casually dehumanized.
Don't know you, Cycling, so forgive any presumption... I'm new to this forum, but for what its worth, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.
