While talking with my therapist, I came up with a way to try to combat many of the negative self-messages that I send to myself every day. It's not unusual for negative thoughts to constantly cycle through my head. Thoughts like, "You're worthless." "No one could ever love you with all your physical and emotional problems so why even try to come out?" "You will be rejected by the only people in your life. Your family will hate you." "You've never had any real friends. Only people who let you be around them just felt sorry for you and eventually realize you're not even worth their pity." "You're a disgusting human being." As you can see I have a lot of nasty thoughts run through my head. To combat this, I've bought a bunch of dry erase markers and started marking up my mirrors, shower door, and other wipable surfaces with meaningful quotes, phrases, and mantras. Visual stimuli to help me to keep the negative messages in check. I just wrote a new one up on my double mirror closet doors I have in my apartment. On one it says, "Your worth is not attached to what society or any individual thinks of your looks, accomplishments, challenges, or personality. You are worthy of love and connection simply because you exist." The other says, "I am a gay man. I am worthy of love and connection." I've just found this incredibly helpful the last few days. I feel like I am making progress in loving the man I see in the mirror. Like I can truly internalize and believe those words though the negative thoughts can and do sneak back in later. When I catch those negative thoughts entering my mind, I force myself to go back and look in the mirror and tell myself these phrases until I can feel the negative thoughts lose their power. I really strive to think about the sources of my shame when I do this. I want to be able to look at those things that make me ashamed of myself head on and say, "You don't define my worth and I was mistaken to believe you ever did." I don't know what anyone else might gain from me sharing this, but it feels important to be more open and authentic about this journey. To combat that shame at every opportunity.
These sound like great things to say to yourself. I'd been really doing better with this myself, but it think I need a little boost. It's all come rushing back towards me.
Reminds me a Michael Jackson song My therapist asked me to describe myself.. I presume this was to build my esteem
There was a conversation between me and my brother few days ago , I told him about my sexuality and gender identity and why I was depressed for so long . At the end of the conversation I told him : I am what I am , If you love me for who I am then I would be happy , if not then this is your problem . To be honest this kind of conversations boost my mood and self-esteem ,it is like I am assuring to myself that I am a human , I am not worthless , I am not useless and I deserve to love and to be loved and I can defend my rights to live and to be happy .
Hi SimpleMan I have been struggling with self-esteem issues for some time. I used to be a very confident person with a top level International job, confident public speaker etc., but then went through a period of endless bad luck with job loss, serious health issues, loss of my dad to cancer, and discovering I was gay. After reading self-help books on NLP I have decided to give myself a boost by making a self-promotion video concentrating on all the positive things from my past and my great achievements so that I can view it every day to change my state of mind. Many years ago I studied hypnosis and use it regularly when I go to the dentist, so I will reinforce my video with self-hypnosis tapes focusing on positivity. SaleGayGuy
This is a great idea for reinforcing the positive, SimpleMan. Here are a few I need to write on my mirrors: "I am in charge of how I feel, and today I am choosing happiness." "What other people think of me is none of my business." "Go ahead -- use all the crayons today." "I see your true colors, that's why I love you..."
I really like the "What others think of me is none of my business." phrase. I may have to use that one more often. Also as a side note, even after you erase them, if the mirror fogs up you'll see you phrases again. It's like sending secret messages to yourself!:eusa_shhh :icon_wink
Aloha, SimpleMan I like your mantra: "I am a gay man. I am worthy of love and connection." I hope you repeat it to yourself many times throughout the day. You may even want to consider expanding it at some point. I truly believe you are on the right path. Keep up the good work and let us know how you are doing from time to time. Milan
"Thoughts like, "You're worthless." "No one could ever love you with all your physical and emotional problems so why even try to come out?" "You will be rejected by the only people in your life. Your family will hate you." "You've never had any real friends. Only people who let you be around them just felt sorry for you and eventually realize you're not even worth their pity." "You're a disgusting human being."" I've had thoughts like these, and thought that I had laid them to rest. As I have begun this process of coming out, they have resurfaced, with a vengeance. I like your idea of positive messages to yourself. I'll think I'll try it. Thank YOU for your help!
I've had all those thoughts too. What's interesting is though I am sure that I will lose a person or two along the way, most everyone who accepted me before accept me now. I've been fortunate too that a couple of people I've met along the way, who felt more like just work acquaintances until I started dealing with everything in an honest manner, have stepped up big time. ------ Not to say that everyone in your life will be accepting. Rather, I think when we are accepting of ourselves, it makes it easier for others to accept us, and it makes it easier to surround ourselves with people who accept us, because they aren't getting a false picture.
Glad read this post, it helps. Re mirrors, I stare atyself and ask myself questions and tellyself things, and yes yell at myself , poor neighbours! I have been rlwriting things on my arms and chest and legs, which relieves the urge to harm, and makes me feel good about things. Just want to be a really coulourfull chap, and am heading there. Not sure if I can make it, or allow myself to be me, and dont knowyself either, so a little lost. Curse myself constantly if not carefull, raley have peace in my mind. Trying hard to resist the urge to give up on everything and live in a bottle, need a friend to help me... Help please .. Gah what a usless price of cr4p I am, grre... Will try the mirror writing, what will the kids say lol! Hard not being able to be oneself, and not knowing oneself. Love love. No fear happy happy ---------- Post added 26th Jun 2014 at 04:27 AM ---------- and a pretty cr4p parent to boot really..
wow SimpleMan, it's like you were in my head. I've heard those voices go round and round in my head and life. You and the others have given me hope.
sorry if I replied a bit negativley about things in general, I was at a low point. Ita Friday now, and happy happy happy.. Well in the me department anyhow! Back to rl! Yuk
Glad this has helped! I definitely have my tough days as well. The last few I had the additional stress of my phone dying while I am job searching. Looking myself in the mirror and saying these wasn't having the same effirming effect due to the additional stress. Instead, it was just weakening the power of the negative thoughts somewhat.I kept it up though when the negative thoughts entered my head. I started attending a gay men's group last night which was a boost. The first time I've talked with other gay man as an out gay man! After that, saying and believing those words to myself came a lot easier. It's a good reminder to me to make sure I am not just saying these words, but that I am taking care of myself both physically and mentally so that I can be more ready to accept them.
Very cool on going to the men's group! Were you nervous walking in there? What were the discussions like? It's funny you mentioned how the erased writing shows up with condensation on the mirror since I was a bit worried about that. If someone else saw that they might not know what to make of it. Would glass cleaner fully erase the writing residue? Anyway, I hope the positive messages continue to help you
Instead of erasing right away, scribble over the words with dry erase markers first so they are unreadable, then erase. Then just the scribble shows and looks like it could be glass cleaner residue when the mirror fogs. I think rubbing alcohol would probably do the trick as well, but I haven't tried it. As for the Men's Group, I was most nervous during the car ride there. I sat taking deep breaths in my car for a few minutes as I was early. As I was sitting, I happened to see some birds sitting in a nearby puddle taking baths. Something about watching them do that lightened my anxiety and made me smile. I went in feeling an average amount of nervousness for meeting any new group of people. The first day was mostly intros and about where we are in our journeys. It felt good to be able to share in a safe environment like that.
Hi simpleman, I can so much relate to what you feel. I have had to really work on this. The best answer I can give, is this post I made on another site. Feel free to ignore the odd buddhist terms in it, the message is more important than which site I wrote it in - and just take what is helpful, and leave the rest: I also need to reread what I wrote back then today. Hope you find something in it helpful. damien.
Thanks. I think our thought processes are pretty closely aligned. I hate the idea of "I deserve this." Because if I deserve the good in my life, that conditionally means I also deserve the bad things. John Green posted a great video about that recently. Deserving - YouTube I think I may approach the word worthy a bit differently than you do. I think there is no such thing as unworthiness. Unworthiness is a false construct of the human mind. I see everyone in this world as being worthy of love. Just as it wouldn't make sense for me to claim anyone in this world is unworthy of water (a basic need). It also stands true that it doesn't make sense that anyone in this world is unworthy of love. (another basic need) I want to move toward that attitude of gratitude he speaks of in the video.
Hi simpleman, I used to almost constantly repeat the negative appraisals of me, made by others, in my head. I got bullied quite badly in school, and got told so many bad things about myself, and despite them being all untrue, it was as though my own mind took up where the bullies had left off, even after I had left high school for good. It took years of work on myself to begin accepting first that I was not bad, then that I was ok, and finally to begin actually feeling love for myself, which I am mostly able to do today. But it is always something we need to work on, because there is so much negativity around nowadays, even just our status-driven culture seems to tell us we are 'not good enough'...take heart, and it sounds like you are on the right track there, with the positive messages, and I want to tell you it certainly does get better. damien. ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2014 at 06:26 AM ---------- Hi simpleman, although that post I made about putting notions of 'worthy' and 'unworthy' aside worked well for the members of the site I originally posted it in, and although my intentions were good when I re-posted it here, I already asked the mods to delete it, as it contains a few buddhist references. I'm sorry about that. I should have taken them all out. But I'm relieved (if?) it did not offend you at all. kind regards damien
Not offended at all. You are allowed to speak of your belief system on EC as far as I know. As long as it is done in a respectful manner the mods don't have a problem. Now if there was a direct link to another messageboard that can become an issue, but it all looks on the up and up to me.
