Do we bang the drum too loudly....?

Love is love when your in it people bang that drum hard why hide it?

 

For some people who denied their sexuality for a long time, or hided it i think they feel the need to shout it when they finally can. Besides coming out is a choice, i mean if you don't want to talk about it with anyone outside your close friends and family then don't. Everybody should do what's best for them.

 

I havent figured things out yet so my perspective is from if I come to the conclusion that I'm gay. I am more on the "pride" side than the "keep quiet" side.

I guess I differentiate: when it comes to everyday conduct and moving through life I dont really think about it that much. When and if I do come to the conclusion that I'm gay, I am almost positive that I will get a rainbow something.

I think Pride as an event is important.

Proclaiming straightness, as you phrase it, would be like proclaiming pride over being white. It would be incredibly offensive... for obvious reasons.

There are a million and one threads on this site about Pride, so I will keep it simple and say that Pride is important right now, but when most of society is educated on sex and gender, it won't be needed. People that are anti LGBT will be the outliers, not what seems like the norm.

 

I agree that there is no need to proclaim it but I think people who make that distinction generally go out of there way not to mention it which is exactly what many straight people want--which is why it bothers me when gay people make the case that people should be more quiet about it. Yes it feels like sex is something private but the trappings that go with sex in our culture are not private it all, yet we as gay people are asked to keep them quiet in a way that others aren't. When my straight coworker says my wife and I went to the opera no one thinks he's talking about his sex life yet somehow when I say my husband and I went to the opera, many people will say I am talking about my sex life, even that I am forcing my sex life upon them--my husband and I don't have any more sex at the opera than other people (really just the once, and only sort of:lol. I would challenge people to keep track during the course of a day how often people around you "proclaim" their heterosexuality. Count everything that someone who was closeted would avoid: gender specific references to people they are seeing or spouses, references to people they find attractive, all of it. I did it once at my place of employment--I had to keep a post-it at my desk with little tick marks to keep track, I gave up at 50--50 times and I didn't even make it through a complete day. Why should it be different for us?

 

For me ,coming out was very important to beat depression and to boost my mood and self-esteem. Hiding made me a liar because I was hiding a very essential part of myself which is gender and sexuality . I could stay hiding for the rest of my life but that would cause me more pain and suffering and for what ?only to make other people happy . I think coming out is very important for self-worth and self-esteem , and I am very happy that I started the coming out process .

 

I'm out at work and pretty matter of fact about it all. My partner comes to company functions and the like and all my coworkers know him. It's not an issue and really only comes up directly when coworkers have questions or something gay happens in the news. Other than that it's just the regular interactions. But it really is the regular interactions. People don't avoid the topic, they joke about--they treat my sexuality the same way they treat each others. My male coworkers will joke when they have a really attractive male client that they really should have let me help him, that sort of thing. In my experience no one cares except sometimes people will go out of their way to express that they appreciate my openness and trust. I remember I was interacting with a client--I'm in private banking--an older woman that I had met with several times. Well your private life--even spouses and the like--don't always come up with clients but sometimes do. Something came up and I mentioned that my partner and I had gone to the play she mentioned and we had liked it. You could sort of see her absorb the information, there was a pause, and we went about our business and then she left. A couple minutes later she came back into my office leaned in over my desk and basically said that she appreciated that I had chosen to share that about myself with her and that it made her feel even closer to me--then she left again. In my experience people are cool--if you give them the chance to rise to the occasion, they do.

 

I completely agree with OGS about being open at work. This is not inconsistent with my current policy of remaining closeted at work, I do so because I do not have a boyfriend or partner.

What I highlighted above in your quote is consistent with this as well. Yes, if it is only a matter of who I have sex with, it is a private matter. But when it comes to the social dimension of my sexuality, aka a boyfriend or partner, that is another matter entirely.

But this raises a greater point. The homophobes only see the sexual aspect of being gay; they would define us only in terms of sexuality, and would deny us the social aspect. It bothers OGS and I for that very reason. I am not shoving my sexuality down someone's throat by mentioning my boyfriend or partner, I am discussing my social relationship which heterosexuals take for granted.

Self-censorship is a pernicious thing, it affects when and whether I will hold hands with him or what I say because it may offend someone. Well just because someone is offended doesn't mean he or she is right...

 

My situation is similar to that of OGS. I'm totally out to my coworkers, boss, etc. My partner attends team functions like the Xmas holiday dinner, and I routinely talk about what we did last weekend or for the holidays or whatever to the same degree that my coworkers talk about their lives with their spouses or significant others.

I haven't been single in a very long time, but if I was I would still be open about who I am to the same degree that any straight and single male professional would be.

I tend to rather twitch every time I hear the 'but sexuality is a private matter, argument along with the 'but why should I feel pride about something that is just inherent to me and that is not an accomplishment'. Both of these are just rationalizations to justify remaining closeted.

Todd

 

I'm not out yet, so my perspective may be a bit different. But as a generally private and quiet person I long for the day that LGBT people don't *have* to come out. The reason we do now is because it's assumed for the most part that everyone is straight until proven otherwise. I would so much rather just casually mention a cute girl I saw at the shop the other day, or comment on how gorgeous Jennifer Lawrence is, than have to sit down one by one and tell everyone I prefer the company of the same sex.

So, obviously I don't think being gay is something that needs to be announced with loud speakers and rainbow banners, but if that's how someone wants to celebrate it, I still think that's perfectly fine. I think of pride less as a celebration of sexuality and more of a celebration of openness and security with oneself. It's not congratulating yourself that you like the same sex, it's congratulating yourself in being confident enough to let others in on a private aspect of your life that you may be negatively judged for. Straight people never had to deal with that in regards to their sexuality, so I don't think they really "get" this.

I think the more awareness that is spread about LGBT people and culture, the more acceptance and understanding there will be. And hopefully eventually we will get to that day when you don't have to come out at all, because you were never closeted in the first place.

 

Once again Greatwhale hits the nail squarely on the thumb.

THIS is why most gay people feel so awkward about coming out. You can almost see "dick-licker" flash into the eyes of a homophobe any time someone says anything about gays. The religious-rights always jump to the sex and that "the Bible says that gay sex is a sin", rather than thinking about two people who simply love each other and want to share living their lives with each other. They take it for granted that it is perfectly alright for THEM to be seen together and sharing their lives together publicly, but some consider it an affront or that you are "rubbing their noses in your deviant sexuality" if you were to do exactly the same thing. This is a hard thing to "fix" because ignorant adults do not educate easily, particularly when what you want them to learn and accept as a different version of normal, completely appropriate for YOU, goes against their comfortable prejudices developed over a long time and supported by their friends at church.

 

I think some people hit a "rejection/immersion" phase. They've felt repressed and silenced for so long. When they finally speak, it's an immersion. "Everything I do is gay; everything about my former self is gone." It's a sort of black and white thinking to which I cannot relate.

There are several reasons to be outspoken, but I say this as someone who generally "flies under the radar."

1. You can advocate for change. If you are very open, it can (positively) influence public policy and public opinion. And you can help others who are struggling with the closet.

2. You don't have to "come out" to anyone. It's already done. No need for awkward conversations or explanations.

3. I wonder if it's easier to find dates. Nobody is wondering "which team you're on." You've already established that.

But here are the downsides:

1. Maybe it's not in your personality. I'm a fairly subtle person anyway. So it's not in my nature to be loud about anything.

2. Some people in the "rejection/immersion" stage lose a sense of self. This is how those who might not really like elements of "gay subculture" feel compelled to embrace them. Being gay somehow translates to liking Bette Midler (or whatever icon you choose.) I'd rather chew on aluminum foil than listen to Bette Midler, but I can see how someone who is trying to have a voice, a stronger sense of meaning and self might think, "This is what I'm supposed to like, so I'm going to like it."

 

Drums are beating loudly all the time -- sound emanates from dominant groups constantly; after a while, we accept, tolerate, stop noticing, or completely avoid the noise they make.

However, when an LGBTQ person starts beating her or his own unique drum, suddenly people ask, "What's that strange/unusual/weird/(add your own adjective) noise?"

When enough of us beat our drums and make ourselves heard, then maybe--just maybe--everyone's drums can create some beautiful music together.

There are many days when I'm afraid or self-conscious about my own drums. If I'm silent, though, I'm invisible. No one celebrates a silent drum solo...

 

I agree. I'm very gay. I don't think I need to tell anybody I'm gay.

Sex is a personal matter for straight people. Why wouldn't it be the same for gays?

I have lesbian friends who never told me they're lesbian. I found out later and then I thought, "cool."

 

I don't know. When I am walking down the streets or in the subway, I am holding my lover's hand and sometimes place my head on his shoulder. Should that be private or personal? NO. Straight people do it or they are certainly allowed to do it. I am not going to play the role of a wife to a homophobe and his or her hatred. Yeah, right, if I am quiet and don't show love, the hatred for me will go away. But if I do that, my hatred for myself will grow. Only a battered, abuse victim thinks like that. I am neither of those, thank God.
At work, I don't tell anyone that I am gay. Not their business and it should not impact in the way I work or how they work. To me, coming out is done to my "loved ones" and no one at work qualifies.
However, my lover and I will march proudly in this Sunday's NYC Pride Parade.
You just have to navigate as to what is right and when and where. It is all a personal decision but you have to feel right about it when you make it.
No easy formulas but that how life (gay or straight) is.

 

I sing with the RGMC, and usually stand front front stage centre in the 1st row. I also just had my 1st solo. So I guess I'm pretty "out" as far as the public's concerned. I'm not terribly shy about showing affection in public toward my friends, within reason. I don't have a partner, therefore, it's not an issue at present. I'm a tenured instructor so I don't have worries about being out at work, but in a professional setting it isn't anybody's business, but mine. It's my life, my story, and my business. If I choose to share, it's not your business to spread it around. You can ask, but I may not share. I may even take offense. I have been closeted too long to keep any secrets in my private life, but my professional life is how I make my living, and we should be friendly. That doesn't mean we're friends, unless we choose to be, and that doesn't give you rights to my story.