Utter emotional panic..

I think you could use one of these (*hug*)

 

Hi Horizon55 - I recognise the feeling of blind panic and anxiety only too well. My age and family situation are similar. I went through the feelings you describe not that long ago - again. I dont know if this will help you but...I have a greater sense of perspective now. The panic has gone although apprehension remains about moving out. My wife did find my revelations painful and a lot of time has had gone by in the meantime - my relationship with her has changed - I am a good friend now, provider and dad. The rawness and the heat has settled down..but it does take time and I am doing it at her pace. Will you really lose everything? or is this catastrophising - which is very easy to do...I have done it many times and have come to accept that this is part of the process of adjusting to a different future but one that does not have to be negative.

 

Hi Horizon55,

Would things be as catastrophic as you delineate them here? Your kids are fully grown, so I assume leaving your wife would mean support payments and the splitting of assets.

Of course you didn't just use her to have kids, you loved her, or what you thought was love, and wanted to build a life with her. I can only assume that you did not set out to hurt her when you married her or had kids with her.

She is scared and sad too, which manifests itself in anger. The only thing that can mitigate both fear and anger is being prepared (both financially and emotionally) and being honest.

In business, there is the concept of "sunk cost", where, for example, a large amount of money is spent on a project but, even after it is obviously a failure, it is kept going because so much was spent already. In a perfect world, it should have been abandoned. The same applies to the time spent on a relationship. The past is the past, it no longer exists. You are who you are now, and yes, both you and her can still find love, even now (my mother is a perfect example of this, on her fourth marriage now: this one finally stuck). Your job will be to reassure her, to manage telling your friends and family, and to arrange an equitable and fair split. But the most important thing is to look forward to a better future, for both of you.

 

Horizon, don't you dare think about the "fatal illness" bit. You've got a long way to go, and a lot to do yet, so get your brave on and listen to the voices of experience, and great advice from your friends who've posted above.
Fatal illness indeed, you make me come over all school mistressy, and I never even was one. :icon_wink
You're seeing the blackest black right now, (I know that so well), and there's not even any grey, let alone rainbow colours, but in the end it's rarely like that.
One life, one chance. Do what you have to do, then get out there and find your joy. And come here in the mean time when you need a hug or some good advice.
All the very best
(*hug*)

 

I know it seems hopeless right now, but it will get better. Your wife will be hurt, and so will you, but in the long run it might be the best thing for both you. If you stayed, would the two of you be happy or will this always be there? If you end it and be yourself, it'll be painful initially, but you will both be free to have the lives you deserve. You can find a man and have who you want, and she will be free to find someone who can give her what she needs. I understand, I wasn't married as long as you, I was married for 10 years, and initially my husband was hurt and angry, but it didn't take long until he felt relieved. The lack of passion and emotional distance wasn't his fault and he always thought it was, it's always been me. Now we are free to live our lives as we want.
You will find someone, you are not an old man
I guess my advice is to look into the future, there is something much better for you and for your wife beyond your current misery, it's not as hopeless as it feels right now.

 

Big supportive hugs . My older brother is in a somewhat similar situation. I always thought he was very gay friendly as he was so supportive to me. I only discovered exactly how gay friendly he is when he came out to me in late 2012. He is also married with two adult children, and to make life more complicated he and his wife are caregivers to our elderly father. When he first came out to me I was blown away....for about a minute.... then my next thought was "This makes SO much sense". He is also struggling with the way ahead and has not yet been able to one out to his wife and kids ( he thinks that his younger daughter suspects , while I think that on some level his wife knows but is waiting for him to speak up). As I do for him, I wish you strength for the road ahead.... I hope that when the time comes that you are ready to take that step that things go better than you expect.

 

Hi Horizon

I'm 45, just accepting that maybe I like guys more than girls, but I'm 'lucky' in one sense, because it was my now ex who dumped me (we have two kids together, whom I see regularly), so my situation is fortunate compared with yours. But first and foremost, keep your phone on you so you can call someone, eg your counsellor, in case of emergency. This is a very difficult time for you, you need to take extra care now. Don't forget!

In my country we have this number called 'Lifeline', it is a 24 hour a day service with trained folks who can counsel someone who is at risk. Please also put a number such as this on your phone, whatever service exists in your own country. I say all this because, I really want to tell you that emotions can be very powerful, they can unsettle an otherwise stable mind, and while your mind is more or less stable, you need to take precautions.

I say this also, because no matter how tough life gets, it is always still worth living. This journey of life can get very tough sometimes, but if there is one certainty in life, it is that things change. Either sooner, or later. But as surely as day turns to night, and night back into day, nothing in life is permanent. You simply never know how things will work out. Who knows, after a gut wrenching time, a peaceful and happy resolution might happen; your wife might either peaceably accept what's happened (maybe you could both go, together, to your (or her) counsellor for a couples session?, or she could meet someone new, who knows? But I want you to know that for now, hang in there. I wish I could say, send me a PM if you need to, but alas the system on this site won't allow me to reply to PMs, much as I would like to help.

Things eventually change, Horizon. It's one of the laws of the Cosmos. The law of impermanence. Things have been good for you before, and they will be good again. Life is like that.

Take really good care of yourself now, ok?

bf. (*hug*)

 

dear Horizon55 BIG HUGS thank You for being courageous and brave to share your story with us. please know that you are cared for very much here.

You ask valid questions that may not have answers right now but they will come. please know we stand with You as you face the unknown and the what ifs that consume your day. You have sisters and brothers here at EC that you can reach out to. i have a strong belief that your strength and courage will grow over the coming days that will take you through what may come. it just may be that the "catastrophe" may not be as harsh as you think.

 

Hi Horizon55. It is a tricky balancing act ( not helped by the fact that he works rotating shifts and I am reliant on public transport). Mostly I contact him through his work email address....however it's notthe best medium. It's also complicated by the fact that I havehuge respect for his wife. I have offered togo hiking together sometime, but it is tricky. He often works a second job which I think has more to do with keeping himself too busy and too tired to think about things, as well as giving him a reason to not be home much. I just make sure he knows I am available to talk to and that I love him. I guess my support will come in to effect more once he comes out and it all hits the fan

---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2014 at 10:10 AM ----------

Thanks for your post Chip, maybe I'm trying to make myself feel better, but I do believe that, on some level, my sister-in-law knows. She even used to joke that my brother "should have been the gay one" not me. When he does come out it will be interesting to see the initial response and then how people are an hour , a day, a week after.

Horizon55, I hope you get all the support you need here and locally. I am glad this site is here as I think it gives people a chance to air stuff that would otherwise be trapped in their heads. Feel free to message me, though I'm not sure how much help I can be. Hugs

 

Hi Horizon55,

Man I feel your pain. I'm a year older than you, and my marriage ended by my wife's sudden (to me) decision 6 years ago, when I was still in the closet even from myself. What I went through at that time felt exactly like what you're going through now. I didn't care if I lived or died.

But I got through it. And eventually when I finally came out to myself, I came to realize it was a blessing that it ended. In that I had an easier time than you, since I didn't have to make the decision myself.

So I know what a hard decision you're facing. But if I'm hearing from you what I think I'm hearing, I don't think you have a choice. I think the only way you're going to turn things around for yourself is to be honest about who you are and what you want.

I spent most of my life hiding from that. And it doesn't bring true happiness. Even though I have yet to meet that special guy, I'm confident that I will. And I feel younger now than I did 10 years ago. I feel like I've been given a new life, and can't wait to see what it will bring.

They say something old needs to die before you can be reborn. I think that's what you're facing and it's scary as hell. But this is the darkness before the dawn. I think when you come through it on the other side, you'll realize it was one of the best things you ever did.

It will get better for you. And we're not too young to find our soul mates. I've been amazed since finding EC how many of us are around.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find the peace and strength to make the right decisions for you. And I think that once you do, it will work out best for everyone in your family. It may be painful initially, but you all deserve the chance to pursue happiness honestly.

Have faith and know that this is happening for a reason, and that it can and will end well.

(*hug*)