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About to take the leap.....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tx duke, Jun 22, 2014.

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  1. tx duke

    tx duke
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    Hello all. I want everyone to know that I stumbled across this site while searching the web for stories of married men “coming out” to their wives. I can’t begin to explain how helpful so many of you have been in just reading your words and supportive responses.

    A little about me…..I am 36 years old, been married for 12 ½ years, and have two children….both girls….11 & 8 years old. I come from a very traditional/conservative/Christian family. I was in church my entire life (which means nothing!) and certainly do know how I am supposed to be….but I have never quite been “that” way.

    I am married to a good woman, and our two children are amazing. My wife and I were separated for quite some time a couple of years ago. She wanted a divorce because our relationship had really gone down hill. We started seeing a counselor who helped us a great deal, but I was never really honest with him. He actually told my wife (according to her) in one of their one-on-one sessions that he thought I was gay. This was not something that was even on the table at that point….and I was dumbfounded. Of course, I was still in complete denial over what I ultimately knew to be true for the last 20+ years of my life…that I was gay. Being the stubborn and hard-headed person I am, I shoved it back further in my mind….probably to prove him wrong…..and ultimately my wife and I worked things out.

    Right after our separation was over, I lost a very close friend. Over the course of the next few months, my whole world turned inside-out. The brevity of life has become a very huge reality for me. I have realized more and more that I am not happy with who I am right now, and that it isn’t good for anyone. Already again, the distance between my wife and myself has grown. Over the past month I have begun to see her questioning herself, and trying to “fix” whatever might be wrong with her that is pushing me away….and this honestly breaks my heart. There isn’t anything she can do to fix it…as the problem is with me.

    I have not been unfaithful to my wife (physically) and do not have any love interest influencing me in any way. However, as I am finally accepting who I am more and more, I do fear that it might one day it might happen. The “questioning of self” that she is doing, along with the increased awareness of who I am, are what have pushed me to the point of coming out to her. And this will be done by the end of the month at the latest. Travel, etc. has kept me from it thus far. I do fear that conversation, but I fear the alternatives even more.

    I have never “been” with a guy – either before or after our marriage – but it is something I have always known that I wanted. But I just stuffed it away and figured that marriage and kids would wash it all away. Now I know that is not true at all. I have not come out to anyone – as I figure she deserves to know the truth first. I do fear what my family will say – both parents are still living….and we are very close.

    I don’t know why I am writing this other than I just feel like I need to “get it out there”. I have never typed these things before. I guess I really just wanted to throw my story into the mix, and ask that you keep me in your thoughts in the upcoming days. Thanks again for everything you all have contributed to me already – I don’t think I would have the clarity I have today had it not been for this site.
     
    #1 tx duke, Jun 22, 2014
  2. BelleLey

    BelleLey
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    This is an important desion you just took so congratulations on that. I wish you luck and will be in thoughts with you.
     
    #2 BelleLey, Jun 22, 2014
  3. Clay

    Clay
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    Just wanted to say I wish you the best of luck. You really will be in my thoughts in these upcoming days, and I'm glad you decided to share your story here.

    Honestly man, I hope everything works out for the best. It's a brave thing what you're planning to do.
     
    #3 Clay, Jun 22, 2014
  4. jnr183

    jnr183
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    Txduke this is great. Very scary and daunting but as you said life is short. I am unmarried but I feel like our experiences are similar. I will definitely be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes. Honesty is the best policy! Good luck man.
     
    #4 jnr183, Jun 22, 2014
  5. SaleGayGuy

    SaleGayGuy
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    Hi Texas Duke

    Welcome to EC. This site has been my lifeline for just over a year now and has given me the strength not only to come out to myself but also to my wife. At a guess I recon there are over 50 married / divorced guys on EC at various stages in transitioning to a new life. Some have progressed from married life at great speed and have given those of us traveling less quickly a glimpse of what is possible.

    Check out my blog for details of my comming out journey so far.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
    #5 SaleGayGuy, Jun 22, 2014
  6. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    I just wanted to wish you the best. (*hug*)

    You've definitely come to the right place. I'm certain you will receive phenomenal support here.

    Welcome :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Melanie, Jun 22, 2014
  7. mnguy

    mnguy
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    Welcome to EC; I'm glad you found us! There are countless stories like yours here and in the real world that have never been spoken. I don't personally know anyone in your situation, although I've suspected a few, but so far they're still married. I hope this happens less and less to people as being GLBT isn't seen as the horrible thing it was not so long ago. Greater visibility should help oblivious people (like me) realize they're gay sooner.

    I wish you the best in your coming out process. Stick around, read, ask questions, post comments and hopefully it'll help you through all this. Just know that you're not alone. Take care :slight_smile:
     
    #7 mnguy, Jun 22, 2014
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi, and welcome. FIrst, it takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself that you're gay, more to talk about it (even in an anonymous internet forum.) So I honor and respect you for taking those steps.

    I strongly suggest you get Joe Kort's book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" It has almost nothing about finding true love, but is an amazing book that has several chapters that talk about heterosexually married gay men and I think you'll find it eye-opening and comforting.

    As tough as it is, telling your wife is almost certainly the right thing to do. Every relationship has at its root authenticity, and if the roles were reversed, you know that you would want to know.

    Also, recognize that there are stages processing any loss (in this case, loss of perception that you're straight): denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So expect to see those stages as your wife deals with the news. They are not necessarily sequential, and people can go back and forth, but the more you can show compassion and empathy, the easier it will be for her.

    And I hope you'll stick around. EC is an amazing community and there are a lot of people here who are, or were, in your situation, and I think you'll find a lot of knowledge, information, and support here.
     
    #8 Chip, Jun 22, 2014
  9. HTBO

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    Good luck! If it helps, when I told my ex, he was very relieved (after the initial hurt/anger). Distance kept growing between us and he thought it was him, and he did everything to try and fix it. This made it worse for me because I knew it wasn't him. You are doing a wonderful thing both for yourself and your wife. I will be thinking of you.
    This site is amazing, just wish I had found it when I needed it most!
     
    #9 HTBO, Jun 22, 2014
  10. quietman702

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    I second what Pluvia says and what the others are saying... (*hug*)
     
    #10 quietman702, Jun 22, 2014
  11. tx duke

    tx duke
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    Thanks all! I greatly appreciate the support. This is the first place where I have actually been honest about myself with anyone - at all! Sometimes its all overwhelming, sometimes it all natural, but I know all time that it is right....just such an emotional time. However, at the end of the day, I know who I am. Thanks again and SaleGayGuy I will be checking it out for sure. I will continue to post as things progress - thanks again everyone.
     
    #11 tx duke, Jun 22, 2014
  12. BlueSky224

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    Good luck Tx Duke,
    It's never easy. But you write with such clarity and understanding. You've clearly spent a great deal of time on introspection. Please do let us know how you are.
     
    #12 BlueSky224, Jun 22, 2014
  13. Richie.

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    Your story is my story, whatever happens this place will be your rock. Lean on us when you need and message me anytime.. It's a rollercoaster of a ride, but it's worth it.

    Peace
     
    #13 Richie., Jun 22, 2014
  14. SimpleMan

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    Thank you to sharing your story with us. As everyone above has mentioned, there are many men and women on EC who have been through what you are going through now. They're always here to give advice and even just listen when you want to share. It takes a lot of courage to even finally post your story on an anonymous forum like EC. (I remember how badly I was shaking with my first post.) Congratulations on being able to voice your feelings outside your head for the first time!
     
    #14 SimpleMan, Jun 22, 2014
  15. Lindsay11

    Lindsay11
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    What you're doing takes phenomenal courage. We all support you here!!
     
    #15 Lindsay11, Jun 22, 2014
  16. Corwin

    Corwin
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    Welcome, tx duke! EC has been a great resource for me, and I trust it will be for you too.

    I'm older than you, but was also married for over 10 years while I was still in the closet, hiding even from myself. My marriage ended for other reasons (I think) and it was still another few more years before I finally came out to myself. It was a big step, but a great relief in so many ways.

    I wish you all the best as you embark on this difficult but rewarding journey! You shall be in my thoughts...
     
    #16 Corwin, Jun 22, 2014
  17. link4816

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    tx duke - I joined EC a little over a year ago and was blown away when I learned how many married gay guys there are on here whose experiences, thoughts, and emotions so clearly resembled my own. When I first joined, I was planning to stay with my wife even after I admitted to her I am gay. After about 10 months of weighing my life as a closeted married gay guy against the alternative, I decided, a couple months ago, to go with the alternative, even though that was unthinkable just over a year ago. During my weighing period, I checked in on EC almost every day, mostly just to tap into the lives of like minded men and even women who post here about their hat stories. What really shifted my thinking were stories where guys exposed their true selves and ended up feeling things they never felt before - very good, very intense feelings! I decided that I did not want to live the rest of my life not having those feelings.

    I wish you the best of luck. If you're looking for threads to review, take a look at mine, I only have one really. You will find some similarities to your story.
     
    #17 link4816, Jun 23, 2014
  18. finebime

    finebime
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    I'm so happy for you that you've chosen to be brave and tell your wife. It sounds like keeping things as they are right now would only hurt everyone more in the long run, do hopefully this will help both you and your wife tremendously.
    This site is an amazing resource. You are in the right place for support and encouragement.
     
    #18 finebime, Jun 23, 2014
  19. Kreativ

    Kreativ
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    Tx duke:
    To reiterate what the other posters have said- Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story with this community.
     
    #19 Kreativ, Jun 23, 2014
  20. marriedover50

    marriedover50
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    Welcome. I understand your inner struggle. I have been here since April. I also understand the dynamics of your Christian roots too. Being honest with self is the first step. You may want to connect with a LGBT friendly counselor to help you take the next step. I wish you the best.
     
    #20 marriedover50, Jun 23, 2014
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