1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

why does it take some lesbians along time to figure out their lesbian ?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by stocking, Jun 22, 2014.

  1. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    When I say this I also include myself as well as someone who found out later in life and why does it take some of us so long while others know from young ?:confused:
     
  2. marie11

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2014
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Personally, I didn't have any crushes/attraction until a later age than my peers. We all develop at different paces and some of us are late bloomers like that.
    I think many lesbians that don't know until later feel the pressure of society to be attracted to men more than others and convince themselves that they are and don't even consider the possibility that they could be gay.
     
  3. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I was like that too I felt like a late bloomer and spent most of my life trying to feel something for men .
    I'm wondering maybe it's something to do with how we're raised :confused:
     
  4. HTBO

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    0
    That's a question I have been asking myself? I have no conclusion other than maybe we're not ready until then. I know for myself the signs were there, and that I lied about them often. I trained myself to repress any thoughts concerning women, which I realized I was doing once I realized I was attracted to women. So, maybe some of us are better at repressing and therefore take longer to realize? I'm not sure...
     
  5. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    I think It's societal pressure. I came out at 14 because I knew my parents were LGBT allies and got mad at me for saying homophobic things when I was in denial. Some people take longer because they are so conditioned.
     
  6. stella99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2014
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    I wasn't aware of my feelings until my children were grown up and they aren't so dependant on me. Its as if my subconcius kept me in a family/nurturing state of mind until I didn't feel as essential to my children. Now they are grown up (but still at home) my feelings have surfaced big time.
     
  7. Sig

    Sig
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2014
    Messages:
    215
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oz, as in Wizard of
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    For me, I just didn't think I would be anything other than straight. I don't mean I was in denial, I mean it just didn't occur to me that the things I felt, and my dislike of intimacy with men, perhaps pointed in another direction. I'm straight, simple as that, no question.
    I'm still bemused by the whole thing.
     
  8. Maddie89

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2013
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Egypt
    Gender:
    Female
    I wish I knew! I still can't figure out why I thought I wanted men most of my life, only to find out later when I'm 25, and married, that I really love women. I think it 'grew' once I accepted that I was bisexual and came out to my husband a year ago. Now it's like I'm going full blown lesbian. Hell, others had to point it out, I was so blind.





    I think I've thought the same way , too.
     
  9. TheStormInside

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2014
    Messages:
    1,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New England, US
    Hit the nail on the head. Though oddly I never really expressed a huge interest in guys growing up, I feel like as I've gotten older I've had more a desire to seek out male relationships, not realizing that my reasons for wanting them were not the same as most people's. I just wanted a companion to live with, to do things with, someone who I'd be connected to who would be connected to me. A rather asexual relationship, basically. It didn't really occur to me until recently that I could have all those things with a woman, too, and that with that there could also be more.

    It's also a rather scary thing to admit, if you've grown up in an environment that expressed a lot of negativity toward homosexuals, like I and many others did.
     
  10. redneck

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2013
    Messages:
    280
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ft. Smith, Ar
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Or gay women could be like me. I knew, I knew at a young age. I let society pressure me into believing it was wrong to be gay, so I tried to squash it and pretend to be straight. In my mid 20's the pain of doing nothing exceeded the fear of change (I saw that quote in a dig and now I can't find it again. Anyone know?)and I finally began to accept myself and started coming out just a couple years ago.

    Maybe they have known all along but it takes years to accept and come to terms with it?
     
  11. DancingGirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2014
    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    US
    I never thought about it until I was in my 20s. Looking back there were alot of thoughts but I never figured them for being queer. It was just the way I thought. I even left a great straight relationship cuz I was bored. In my 20s I was having trouble working out any relationships I started with men. Thought wonder if I am gay. Nah. Just havent found the right guy. Met my now husband made it work. Had kids. Once I had my kids. I wsnt happy anymore. Met trigger crush and here I am. I am queer and want to be screaming it from the roof tops. But I am more of a whisper right now. So who knows really why we bloom late. I believe everything happens for a reason.
     
  12. kidgoggles

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    It's really hard to say! A lot more women i've met feel less set in their identity than men do, at least openly - and it could be a mix of a lot of things. Society included.

    I myself knew i was queer when i was pretty young, but I didn't know where on the gay spectrum i truly fell.

    I connected with males pretty easily because of my male-dominated interests, so i'd date guys thinking how i felt was normal. There were no butterflies or particularly strong feelings, and i never had good sex with them - it was just a bond that i wanted to maintain. Maybe because of loneliness. Being with men always felt safe because my heart was never really in it.

    Meanwhile, when i'd develop a crush on a girl, it was like a TOTAL EXPLOSION of my life. I'd become almost OCD obsessed, i wouldn't know how to make a move, my mental health would suffer, and i felt like i couldn't show my true self and get to know them because of my nerves.

    I always dismissed this as me being young and crazy, but when it happened again more recently i figured out that's how true attraction is supposed to feel, i guess. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So yeah, only recently (at 28) i discovered that EMOTIONALLY, i am totally a lesbian. Men i can find physically attractive, but when it comes to all the good stuff, women are for me. It's been a wild ride, but i finally figured it out - and i like to think eventually all questioning women do, it just takes time. :slight_smile:
     
  13. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    From what i've heard and seen on the forums, it seems that many women fall under the bisexual spectrum physically, but emotionally only seem to fall for men or for women. I know a few straight girls who don't identify as bi because they only date men, but who enjoy having sex with women. (get mad at them if you will for contributing to bisexual erasure; but they identify as fully straight.) Likewise I know plenty of lesbians who have enjoyed sex with guys in the past; they identify as lesbian because they only date women or form emotional bonds with them. I think that for those women who are bisexual but monoromantic, romantic feelings take precendence over sexual feelings and that's what leads to this drawn out period of questioning before realizing that they are lesbian. Does that make any sense?
     
  14. YuriBunny

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2014
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    I'm an introvert; I live in my head.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There are different reasons this could happen. They might be in denial and afraid to admit it to themselves, they might feel pressured by society to be straight, or they might be overanalyzing everything they feel towards men and mistaking some of it for romantic/sexual attraction. It depends on the person.

    In my case, I thought I was bisexual because I was convinced I liked guys since I had 'crushes' on them as a young child. I didn't realize the feelings were imagined until I noticed that my attraction to girls was so much stronger than anything I'd ever felt for boys, and that I couldn't imagine being satisfied in a relationship with a guy. I can only think of girls like that.
     
  15. JohnB

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2014
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mysterious land of Canada.
    Gender:
    Male
    We al know from young age, we just either don;t want t accept it and lie to ourselves that it might be a phase or nothing but little attraction. I for one thought it was normal to like guys a little bit, and that we choose to be married to the opposite sex if we wanted. I thought "love" was little to no effort in doing because I am not attached to people the way 'normal' get attached to others.

    I just thought liking dudes on the side wasn't a big deal, and had no idea once I tried getting close to a dude was something huge in life, like it turned me away from being attracted to women and just be with guys. Now it feels so definite that we realize that we are.

    Those to figure it out at a young age find out on their own or talk it out with family members and close friends without worrying about what others may think or say. I applaud those who find out and are brave enough to come out.

    I certainly was scared to come out, but it was my fault thatI am starting to learn and accept at such an older age.
     
  16. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    In my case it was about letting myself feel. Then, I met someone that I am very attracted to ... I also feel safe with her. I feel 100% accepted by her. I can just let things play out.

    To sum it up, if I hadnt felt like I needed to hide any same sex attraction I probably would have come to the realization much sooner.
     
  17. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I think if you think a man looks nice you can still be a lesbian I think if you find them attractive to the point where you want to sleep with them then your not gay .

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2014 at 04:22 PM ----------

    I don't agree with you on this at all I don't think any lesbian falls under the bisexualit spectrum , I think if you do your bisexual and not lesbian and bisexual women don't only date men they date women too emotional bonds aren't the only thing that counts to being a lesbian . If your a lesbian you can live without having sex with men and you don't want to or desire to and only feel both sexual stuff for women alone as well as romantic .
    Because many lesbians don't desire to sleep with men and I wish you would stop saying this because your giving people the wrong idea on what a lesbian is .
    and that is what makes lesbians and bisexual women different because if we were both bisexual on the spectrum and like sleeping with men we would both be bi . I do agree with you on how some lesbian enjoyed sex with guys in the past but when they started sleeping with women as most lesbian would tell you they longer wanted to have sex with men after discovering who they really are . And since your a bisexual woman and probably sleep with men you don't have to deal with the annoyance of men harassing you to sleep with them since your ok with it depending on if your attracted to the guy , or single . But I'm tried of men telling me stuff similar to what you say how every lesbian is a bit bi crap and getting harassed when I go out in public so I wish people like you would stop spreading this because I'm sick and tried of being told everyone is a bit by or fluid by a guy and him continuing to harass me to sleep with him when I tell him I'm a lesbian and want nothing to do with him .Please stop Because when some men read this they think Oh all lesbians like sleeping with dudes and I don't mean to offend you but please like you who say this stuff is the reason why I and some femme lesbians don't come out of the closet .

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2014 at 04:24 PM ----------

    Yeah I agree with this

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2014 at 04:28 PM ----------

    Yeah I think that's the case for me too
     
    #17 stocking, Jun 25, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2014
  18. Lipstick Leuger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2013
    Messages:
    1,113
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Michigan
    You need to read "A Persistant Desire". It explains that many very Butch/gender non-conforming lesbians realize sooner they don't fit in and that it makes it easier to say they are lesbian. While more girly lesbians, Lipsticks or Femmes have a harder time because they fit the stereotype of what a girl should look like, and be, in heterosexual society, so they don't always get it until later. They also mentioned that Femmes, because we are attracted to masculinity, it takes the longest, because males are masculine. It takes a bit to realize it is the female masculinity, that we appreciate. It was an interesting read.
     
  19. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thanks Lipstick Leuger I'll definitely read that up
     
  20. TheStormInside

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2014
    Messages:
    1,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New England, US
    There are also those of us who are the opposite.. I've fallen for a couple of guys emotionally but the physical/sexual component was lacking. Whereas with the women I've fallen for there's been an emotional draw and at times also a physical desire. Granted, I'm still not totally sure how to define myself, and I agree it does draw questioning out and cause a lot of doubt and confusion when things are less clear cut like this.

    Well, I don't feel as though everything is always this clear cut for everyone. My therapist told me that someone who is bisexual can feel both emotionally AND physically attracted to either gender. So if a woman is physically attracted to both men and women but only emotionally attracted to women and therefore only ever dates women I feel like its up to her to decide whether to call herself bisexual or lesbian. Bisexual would be misleading because it would imply she might date a man, but lesbian is maybe not absolutely correct either. Same goes for a woman who is only physically attracted to women but emotionally is attracted to both genders. In these cases I feel like the "practical" labels make the most sense- identify according to who you will date/hookup with/have a relationship with. Labels help us understand ourselves but they are also a communication tool so others can grasp where we are coming from, too.

    That having been said, I do agree that a woman who has sex with both women and men shouldn't identify as lesbian, even if they only want to be in a serious relationship with a woman, and it's because that DOES go against the "practical label" argument I suggested above. Going by those thoughts those women would be conveying a more honest image if they identified as bisexual.