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Tired of feeling like I don't belong

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostMyself, Jun 23, 2014.

  1. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Went to a 10 year high school reunion with my partner and mutual friends and their partners.While everyone was talking about their lives and having more kids ,friends getting married others buying homes together basically everyone's relationship is blossoming while I'm been in this questioning mind space over 3 years.

    Sitting at the dinner table with my partner next to me I just sat there thinking how much longer do I have to do this for watching what I say I found myself making excuses to why I haven't taken the plunge to get married after 10 years we have 2 kids under 10 been engaged for a while I don't really want to get married and I'm not sure what's my real reason behind it.

    It was really hard to be around friends when my heart says that I don't fit in the norm I'm not like others.I felt myself consciously checking out the female waitress,I think my partner knows I'm unhappy we just can't figure out on what to do i don't know if I am closeted or if I have some inner self battles.I told him how I feel he just shrugs it off as my problem guess in a way it is but it'd be nice if only he could meet me half way.Im a sitting duck waiting on myself to make changes in my life.

    I tell myself try harder and some days I feel like I'm not obsessing over who I am so I must be straight? Then other days I feel confident but it's always short lived.theres a part of me saying keep trying you will overcome this you just need distractions then there's a part of me head or heart I don't know that's waving a flag around saying I give up had enough of putting a show on.
    If I am gay I don't want it to become public.With today's techongoly word gets around quicker of people's business I'm worried about the recruppisons of my children's lives if it comes out I am publicly.
    I want people to just think I'm happy then they won't assume anything but for how long 1 month 3 a year? That's what I think I need to do slowly get myself out of the limelight with friends and family slide into some sort if distraction where when it does happen i got stuff to keep me busy and focussed instead of being centre of the gossip.Slowly taking myself away from friends isolating sounds harsh but I don't want to be in the spotlight of gossip I can't handle that kind of confrontation. What would you recommended I do to avoid that kind of outing where everyone knows??
     
  2. quietman702

    Full Member

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    Hello and welcome to EC. Please know that this is a safe place to share without judgement. May I suggest that you see a counselor in a different city that way you can share with someone who is somewhat local? I'm sorry that your partner isn't responsive to want to help you or at least supportive. I fully understand your need of privacy but I do hope that you will come to a place that at least you can accept yourself. Take care and please know you are not alone.
     
  3. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    Unless you just end your relationship without getting involved with someone, I think its nearly impossible to stop the gossip.

    I was thinking about this same thing. I'm almost certain at this point that I am a lesbian, and although I work for a very diverse employer, there will always be those ignorant individuals. If I ever do come out at my place of employment there will definitely be gossip. You have children to think of, but the best way to handle this is to prepare them. I'm not a parent so I have no clue on the best course of action for that.

    For me I can only imagine one scenario where I would probably *have to* come out, but if I'm not in a relationship then theres no need to.

    Honestly I wouldnt try to think ahead so much. Do that too much and you may wind up stalling any progress that you're making.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
     
  4. paris

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    I bet you wear clothes when out in public, pay for groceries after you shop, drive on same side of road like the others, etc. - see? you still fit in so many other norms and there are many other things you have in common with others.

    We're all part of the whole, and like it or not, we affect others and they affect us.
    I know it's tough but one cannot deal with one aspect without touching the other because each action one takes has more far reaching consequences.
    It's like trying to pull out a grass with its roots, there are always other grass stalks connecting with their roots so it's impossible to pull out just one piece, the sod comes with it. When weeding it's a very positive thing.
     
  5. Robben

    Regular Member

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    Part of the joy of being a gay parent, is that your children help you to realize that you were never crossing boundaries by coming out with a partner. If you are questioning seriously that may impair your chance of being a successful heterosexual. Gay parenting is like discovering a world within a world where you never have to be alone with your past, present, and future. However it may mean that through conversation your experience, strength and hope calls out for freedom. While telling yourself you would like things to feel right, why not look into those preferences you feel would satisfy your same sex needs.