Okay fellow late bloomers. I need some advice as to how to come out to my husband of 11yrs. Two yrs ago I told him that a lesbian friend of mine who is also in a LTR and I had realized we may have feelings for each other. We had been spending alot of time together. Our time was fun and easy. We were so comfortable around one another. One night we had been drinking and both pretty much blurted our feelings. Because I thought our relationship was strong enough I told my husband about this. He acted very understanding and said as long as her and I didn't act on it he was cool with me figuring out my feelings. Then one day he calls me while I am at work to have me come home because he was thinking about killing himself. The only thing that stopped him was our very young daughter was home with him. This was two yrs ago. I have since figured out I am queer. No other term really feels right to me currently. I do know I want to be with a woman in everyway. I do still have feelings for my friend. She too still shares these feelings. But we have decided not to be together. So I just want to move on. I want to start a new life with my two daughters and free my husband. But I am afraid he may commit suicide. I am not sure if I can handle being the cause of something like this. If anybody has any advice please share. I am getting scared of losing myself in all this. Sorry for the long post.
You are not responsible for anyone's suicide. As much as I fear that my husband may do the same if I left, I still think it should not be burdened on you. Try to suggest to your husband to get some therapy, for his overall well being, from now on. If he is suicidal, then he needs it whether you leave or not. I know how you feel, about being the 'cause' of a separation. Of 'throwing away' 11 years of history and memories. It's a lot to handle. But try to think of it as another step in your evolution, towards experiencing more in your life. Becoming more 'you'. And don't apologize for the long post . It's not long or anything. If/When you do end things with your husband, don't try anything too drastic right away. Let yourselves gradually separate and grow away from eachother (more than you already have). Then suggest an official separation and see how it goes from there. As for how to tell him you're queer, well...what happened to me is I was really depressed and crying non stop one day and he just wouldn't let go of me until I talked about it. Once he saw me crying, it seemed to soften the 'blow' since he doesn't like to see me hurting in any way. This was not planned..I just tent to break down and cry when it comes to intimate things like this lol. He even guessed it before I could blurt it out. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. You could write him a letter if it's too hard to say face to face. Let us know how things go .
Thanks Maddie89. I had already suggested therapy and he went but quit saying it was a waste of time. I am currently in search of a therapist I am comfortable with. For my own sanity. I find myself crying alot. Having anxiety attacks for no reason. My best friend feels he should know. She thinks I have evolved into myself more. She said I am very comfortable in my queer skin. I feel I have found this puzzle piece of myself but can't quite get it into place. Your reply made me feel hopeful. Thanks again.
There is always hope . And yes, I know how you feel! It's like trying to fit a square peg into a damn circle... Do you have any romantic or sexual feelings toward your husband?
Not really. I like being around him. When we are alone I think of him as a good friend. I cringe at the idea of having sex with him and have thoughts of women during. I dont enjoy our family life either. He isnt really into our kids when we are together. He loves them but I feel he thinks they are in the way of our relationship and that also makes it hard to want to be here. I want a good family connection. The woman I fell in love with had more involement in us as a family than he did. It made me realize I wasnt happy as a family and want more.
This must be so hard. Honestly I don't know what you should do. Maybe you could make sure your husband's in a stable place before you leave. Get him to a therapist or something.
Yeah that's what I said. I hope you can work something out <3. I know how it feels to think about women while having sex . Can feel so bad afterward..so I stopped altogether.
I wish I had the strength to tell him I dont want to have sex. But it has become such a part of our routine. Every Saturday. Ugh. No passion. No foreplay. That has been gone since my first pregnancy.
I so feel you! (*hug*) I understand it's a tough spot. Once I had to fired a driver who was drinking. Soon after that he committed a suicide. It wasn't the best feeling ever for me but it was his decision, not mine. He could've caused a traffic accident so I just did what I had to. Sometimes we do things that we know will hurt others for a good reason. I was always living my life pleasing others, overlooking my needs until I realized that I too deserve to live my life in the way I want, that my happiness isn't any less important than others. I don't have any advice but the therapy seems to be the best you can do for both of you.
