When I was younger, I was constantly ina state of fear, constantly feared for myself from my parents, worried my mom would never return, worried my dad would go too far, I never felt safe.. In therapy today I got overwhelmed, I felt angry for the first time, how dare they treat me in such a way.. I never deserved any of it, I was a child, I didn't warrant such abuse... They are to blame not me! Being a parent, I would never allow my children to fear such fear, never allow them to cower... Never allow them to worry I'd not come home, only in death will I leave them,... These emotions for me are so raw, my therapist saw how difficult they were for me.. She told me we needed to stop talking about them at such a pace... Anyways, this fear is the reason I didn't feel safe to come out but this fear is cracking, the hold my horrible parents had on me is cracking... I don't know when but it will..
Hi Richie. I've got a touch of this in my history too. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. It helps me to remember that, although there are so many painful, traumatic memories that they are just that. In the past, and they can't hurt me now like they did then. Easier said than done of course.
Good evening, Richie: What can you say to someone who's feeling like you're feeling without seeming facile or patronizing? I know, at least from my childhood, some of what you're feeling. The anger and pain, and feeling like a nerve that's too raw to touch. Your posts on EC have always been warm and kind. I'm wishing for some of that warmth and kindness back to you. Take care!
Making a child feel safe and loved is a parent's first and foremost duty. I'm sorry you didn't have that...there was a period of time in my life when I was also in that kind of limbo...no child should have to endure that. Fear, per se, is not the evil you are struggling with. Fear serves a purpose, mainly to protect you. It's the source of that fear that needs to be addressed and it is good that you are working it through with your therapist.
Dear Richie, You are not alone. Your words echo my own experience in the last few months. I felt so broken as I felt the pain and anger- which I had held inside my whole life. But my therapist and friends helped me to see how strong I am to have survived. I hope you know and can feel how strong you truly are as you face this. Hugs- Earnest
Thanks for the kind words CF!! Maybe time will heal, You're neither facile, or patronising thanks for the nice words of love and support!! Mean a lot!!! Hey GW, thanks, you're right no child should have to endure that... Interesting about fear being nessersary I failed to see this at the time of the post or in my therapy session, I hope I can find the source it's paralysing me at times.. Peace oh Earnest, you have my warmest thoughts, it's so tough going to those hardest darkest memories, it kinda tears you apart and I agree with your friends and therapist you are super strong and a awesome survivor... I don't really feel much strength ATM, hopefully one day but right now,,, not so much.. I really struggled yesterday, it was the toughest therapy session I have had and I didn't think they could get harder because they'd been so tough... I feel broken right now.. I'm determined to fix up.. I love all your support and kind words you all hold a grip on my heart. Peace (&&&)
Keep cracking away Ritchie, you are braver, better, stronger, kinder, and a more beautiful parent than either of your parents ever were. One thing they "taught" you: Not to be them, and in that you succeeded so well. I wish you joy and peace, and one day you'll have it all. (*hug*)
Despite all that Rich, you have turned out to be one of the most genuine people I talk to. Your parents may not have appreciated what they had but your children sure do. Not to mention your friends, in which I include myself. Keep going with the therapy, you are doing great and have my full support. X (*hug*)
Thank you so much for sharing Richie, what you said strikes a chord deep in my soul. Sorry I don't know how else to explain it. John
Therapy can be a very painful process when it begins to unearth deep seated issues from childhood. We often underestimate how childhood experience can influence so much in our life and shape the people we become later on - for good or ill. Hang in there Richie. As the fear cracks and subsides your inner strength and spirit will come shining through. We're all 'with you'. (*hug*)
right back atcha PP, your a great friend thank you!! Anytime john, if I help others whist sharing it makes it even more worthwhile, your support is invaluable to me I'm hoping for that inner strength soon pat! Thanks for your support everyone
Thanks for sharing, will bear this in mind as a parent. In a bit of a pickle about life, and its so hard to keep it internal and not to spill out into family life. So so worried about the kids, worked ill either bring them all up gay, or homofobic. Not settled within myself so am often usles. Im much better parenting on my own when dont need to worry about everything else. Quite often am drunk within twenty minutes of getting home, not ace, but does make me quite jovial and a bit more fun to be around. Blotted out most of childhood so dont know about all that. Head in the sand time and get on for a few weeks before resurfacing..
Thanks Richie My dad was ill (big C) from when I was about 14.5, and was my sole parent at that time untill he passed when I was 17. Spent about half of that time in the hospital, and friends would look after me a bit if needed, was and still and really angry at my mun, his wife, and to top it, the day she died she returned and ruined (to me) our home, erasing all memories of him, big bonfire with all the stuff from the house in garden etc. I left within three weeks and went homless for a bit, sort of, just staying at friends houses till a family friend gave me a room for a couple of years. That totally messed up mid to late teens, and this I am where I am today, a bit confused! (not really, I know im gay, just hard to be gay now have built so many barriers it seems) But am posarive really, although you may see the odd negative post. Were all fantastic open people, which is great but leaves the door open for negativly influnces and social norms etc... La la la, happy happy Be well
