What's with gay relationships...

tscott I completely understand the need to cover lost ground as I feel that way too. What you say makes complete sense! I could suggest a number of things but what I would do but I'm pretty sure that may not help you. Be true to yourself and be honest with him about how you don't want to hurt anyone or be the reason for a break up and go from there. I understand why you want to be the steak, but fries sure do taste great in other words make up for lost ground on your terms if at all possible. hope this helps you a little.

 

Being involved with a married/partnered person, even if they claim it's an open relationship, sounds like more trouble than it's worth. From what I've read, people in open relationships usually agree to some rules so if they don't follow those (which you wouldn't know about) it could still cause issues. When you look for new dates be clear that you only want single guys, if that's the case. As for these guys, would you or they be interested in a 3-way? That would make up for lost time quicker than one guy at a time. Just kidding, unless you would want to do that. I dunno, just a thought, but I agree being careful and respectful of people is important and wise.

 

yes right

---------- Post added 28th Jun 2014 at 10:59 PM ----------

helo every1.....

 

If he's being truthful about it being an open relationship, then ask him to arrange a get together for all three of you so that you can discuss the situation and get confirmation from his partner in person that it's OK. He should have no problem with this and his partner should make it velar they are ok with it and tell you to go have fun.

If neither of those things happen (he doesn't want you to meet his partner and/or his partner appears to be obviously unhappy with the situation), then you may want to seriously reconsider. If he readily agrees and the partner is onboard, then go forth and conquer. You might even get that threeway out of it.

As far as your broader question, not all couples are in open relationships (my partner and I are not), but some are and apparently it works for them.

Todd

 

If you do decide to pursue sex with a person in an open relationship, I like AKTodd's idea of a meeting with the guy's partner/long term boyfriend/husband/whatever the heck he is. The only thing I'd add is that at said meeting, it might be worth having an outline of rules and boundaries. Obviously one probably cannot hit everything that might come up, but at least one could get a general idea. Plus that would make it clear that you respect the existing relationship.

---------- Post added 28th Jun 2014 at 04:47 PM ----------

And this is certainly an issue worth considering. Perhaps, as frustrating as this will sound, it might be better to hold off until you find a relationship where you'd be the "steak."

This is just me, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable with being the "fries" myself for a long list of reasons.

 

indeed you are buddy. but in regards to the chaser in you spoke of, go slow. this guy's partner is in your choir, and you will have to face that person regularly or they or you will leave and that could upset both you and the group that i understand means a lot to you.

just my .02(*hug*)

 

It won't change your mind on the subject, and I don't agree with everything he says... but it's a alternative point of view and a bit of an eye opener.

I think most people have heard of Dan Savage.

[YOUTUBE]C-laWOpXxC8[/YOUTUBE]

Worth having a look at.

 

Tim I know this feeling now! Having the 'freedom' since the last guy has been liberating. Out with friends I start to see the looks and glances of other guys and think, hey!, that's cool. If I want to, I can! Having been on a few dates with a guy recently, I'm also not wanting a LTR straight away, so going slow and with the flow is a good idea just now. It hasn't got to the actual act of "sleeping" together yet, but it's good to spend time with an apparently genuine guy! Enjoy it

 

I don't really see the problem. You're not knowingly aiding a cheater, since as far as you know, the relationship is open. Many open relationships just don't work with meeting both people, and it isn't your responsibility to check everything your date says. You say you aren't looking for anything long term right now, so just go for it.

 

Maybe I am missing something, but it has always been my understanding that open relationships usually permit people who are in committed relationships to have sexual encounters with others, but not go on dates or form relationships with others as that would typically be a huge threat to the other mans relationship. I would clarify with this man what his intentions are. If this man is truly in an open relationship, he may be available for some "fun" on the side (assuming his partner gave him permission, which is the foundation of an open relationship), but he is not available for dates or commitment.

Personally, if I just came out relatively recently, I would not touch the complexity that is involved in open relationships. Most couples who I know say that those usually work for people who have been in a relationship for a while and eventually opened things up. But for dates, I would keep it simple and want monogamy.

 

tscott I hear you about being double minded. I believe Hexagon put it pretty clear, have some fun and move on. For me I have to depend what the other guy tells me and if he's lying it's on him... "interviewing" guys to hook up doesn't work. But for a LTR that's a different story.

 

I remember one of the most sort of bittersweet moments in my early gay life involved someone else's open relationship. I was single; the other guy wasn't but there was an arrangement--which basically consisted of the fact that they did what they wanted on the side and that was fine as long as it didn't interfere with the relationship. In retrospect it's possible that I was actually just an affair, but if so that's not the way it was presented to me. At any rate, I was the bit on the side--and to be honest I found it sort of intriguing. It was not a role I had ever pictured myself in--it was new and different and exciting and the sexual chemistry was just electric. And in the beginning it really was just about sex. I remember he would call me sometimes at odd moments to see if I was free. I remember once telling him "yeah, but you have to be here by seven and we can't talk because I've got a date at eight." It was bizarre. It was so not like me--and that itself was intoxicating. But after a while we did talk and in a way it was like we could be totally frank with each other because we weren't in each others lives at all--we could say anything we wanted because we literally knew none of the same people. Eventually we actually sort of grew oddly close and we ended up eventually having the conversation where we reluctantly admitted that we were falling for each other and that wasn't the arrangement. We stopped seeing each other--and actually never spoke again. For about a year I would occasionally see him out and about and wonder what he had gotten up to--I remember a couple times when this happened him looking at me across the room with the saddest eyes. I suspect he must have moved away at that point because after about a year of seeing him around from time to time I never did see him again. It's a very odd period in my life--on the one hand I am able to realize that on some level it was an unsavory episode in my life, on the other hand I still have very fond memories of him.

I feel like I started this with some notion that I had advice to give... but as I recall the whole episode I realize I just don't know what I even think about what I did let alone about what someone else should do. I guess all I would say is that in these sort of things you are playing with fire--which can be really exciting, but sometimes someone gets burned.

 

tscott I hear you when you speak of needing intimacy and slap and tickle. I am glad that you feel that great sense when you feel desired which is so important. I long for that as well and have asked myself if my hair was on fire would anyone notice?

I would encourage you to move forward, make a choice and follow through on what you choose. If you choose to go for it... good for you! Just realize that it's sex not a LTR. (sorry if this sounds blunt).

 

I'm sorry I've been away quite so much lately! You know you can always count on me for an attitude, LOL.

Couples things here on a first browse through this thread.

First, you will never be the reason for any breakups except your own. Supposing this guy falls in love with you and you end up together...did *you* cause that? Bullshit. No...there was *something* going on between him and his S.O. that made him ripe for your picking. Sure you were involved, but the cause? Don't give yourself so much credit!

Are you even the agent of hurt in that case? Shit, no...it's he who is/might be hurting his partner, not you! Give yourself a break there.

But it really sounds like you're letting yourself jump several guns here. You aren't looking for a LTR with him...but you fear being the cause of him leaving his partner. Nah. Your gut impulses are correct: enjoy his company; enjoy sexual exploration; enjoy the fact that someone you can stand is interested in being with you!! Parlay all that positive energy into your next step. But don't let yourself get overly attached. He says he's in an open relationship? Great...that gives you the in you need for sexual experimentation. But don't be thinking about going further. If it *turns out* you go further, ok...but don't be thinking about it. Ride the doublethink...you're thinking about it, but you're totally not thinking about it, ok?

And should you trust what's being said to you? No more than you should ever trust what someone says to you! He may mean it. But you don't know what he means by meaning it. I've known people to mean what they say, and then 2 hours later, mean something else...doesn't mean they didn't mean it before...just means their feelings fluctuate like the wind. Trust? *Always* let that be earned.

And rely on us all you want/need. We never shut up. *hugs*