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Seddenly feeling angry and sad at those who condemned my sexuality.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Damien, Jun 27, 2014.

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  1. Damien

    Damien
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    I suddenly feel angry and sad at the folks who indoctrinated me that same-sex attraction was 'sinful'. Damn them to hell. I won't mention who they were, as I suspect that would breach the TOS (because I'm lambasting the b*rds), but let's just say that their leader lives in what is virtually a palace, and wears a funny fish-shaped hat. Got the picture now?

    I'm also disappointed that my father always poked fun at gays, although it was not malicious, but what I am angry about is how he would respond when, on a few occasions, I asked him "how would you feel if I was gay?" He would make this grimace, this kind of face that said, "oh, come off it son, don't be disgusting, you know you're not gay". Well guess what, maybe I am. I can't tell him now, he died a few years ago, but if he could hear me now, I would tell him, "guess what, dad? I think I might be gay, and I am fine with that, and if you can't accept it, I am disappointed, but that's your problem, not mine". I've got tears in my eyes as I write this. I am really disappointed. He could have been more sensitive than that, even a man of his generation.

    And so now, at the age of 45, knowing not even one other gay person in my real-world circles, and being a shy kind of guy, I feel quite isolated. I lost so many years in denial.

    I think I might be gay. Really. I'm telling all of you. I honestly don't know for sure, but increasingly all I think about sexually is, when will I get a boyfriend? Not just to have sex with, but to hang out with, to have hugs and cuddles with, to have good times together with?

    Yeah, I still find women attractive too, so technically I'm bi. But I don't want to be with a woman. What a complex world I am waking up to.

    Damien.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2014 at 01:15 PM ----------

    On a more positive note, I recently discovered this website with lots of meetup groups for lgbt folk in my city. I am going to participate in one or more of those.
     
    #1 Damien, Jun 27, 2014
  2. Kreativ

    Kreativ
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    Hi Damien:
    I hear what you're saying about your father and the men in the 'fish-shaped' hats (that's hilarious). It sounds like they've hurt you and left you with angry feelings. Those feelings certainly are valid.
    In the short term, being present with those feelings is helpful; learn what they're there to teach you. In the long term, what do want to do with them?
    The fish-shaped hat brigade could move to a place that is welcoming to the LGBT community, but as you well known, they move at a speed that is almost glacial. Your dad could come around, especially when it is, his child, who is gay. It may humanize him on this subject..I've seen it happen.
    Or not. I've seen that, too.
    Good luck To you during this. Esp. during this difficult time.
     
    #2 Kreativ, Jun 28, 2014
  3. Damien

    Damien
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    Thanks, Kreativ, for your supportive reply. :slight_smile: Regarding the men in the fish shaped hats, their influence on me has certainly died for good, so my flash of anger was really just something temporary that wanted to be expressed in that moment.

    My main concern regarding the fishhats and their ilk is for all the young kids who they are indoctrinating right now, in fact I think there should be a law that the churches cannot tell children that same-sex attraction is sinful, because let's be honest, it can really psychologically harm the kids long term, so isn't that a form of child abuse?

    Regarding my dad, he ain't gonna come around at all, cos he's dead, poor chap. Died a number of years ago. Maybe in his next life.

    Damien
     
    #3 Damien, Jun 28, 2014
  4. Clay

    Clay
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    I wouldn't worry too much about religious folk telling new people they're wrong, seeing as though belief without evidence is getting rarer and rarer.
     
    #4 Clay, Jun 28, 2014
  5. bingostring

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    I think it is useful letting off some anger at the past 45 years. But save some energy for focusing on the now, and using your intellect making the next 45 years that much different!! :icon_bigg
     
    #5 bingostring, Jun 28, 2014
  6. BeingEarnest

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    Dear Damien,
    Here are Real world hugs and cuddles, sent digitally.
    I don't know about you, but I held in such feelings so long that it hurt me.
    I am working with a therapist to deal with it all, and it is helping.
    I wish you blessings and peace!
     
    #6 BeingEarnest, Jun 28, 2014
  7. CyclingFan

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    Ah, the fish hats. I know them well.

    I mentally rejected that place at about 12 or so, but I was still forced to go. In fact, i was made to become "confirmed". For those you don't know, that is supposed to be when you make the "adult decision to join the church".

    On more place I was forced into hiding and I didn't even realize just how much I was hiding. All those years of making sure nothing "sinful" ever got out were highly detrimental for me, and you too.
     
    #7 CyclingFan, Jun 28, 2014
  8. Henry656

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    I believe that it is an old Chinese saying that when you feel hate and anger towards your enemy is like taking poison to spite them. It corrodes, and destroys you but does nothing to them except make them laugh at you. Let them wallow in their hatred and fear.
    Put them behind you and try to find love--it is the only worthwhile prize in this life.
     
    #8 Henry656, Jun 30, 2014
  9. Richie.

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    I feel like this currently. It's not a bad feeling.. Role with it
     
    #9 Richie., Jun 30, 2014
  10. Kreativ

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    Damien,
    Please forgive faux pas re your dad. (Inserting foot in mouth now)
    Glad to see you are doing better.
     
    #10 Kreativ, Jun 30, 2014
  11. Damien

    Damien
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    awwww thank you... (*hug*)
    Yeah, I have been seeing counsellors on and off since I left home as a young man, what a long and winding road it has been...
    Anyway I am feeling much more happy and whole, in general, now...there's a reason it's called 'being gay' :eusa_danc
    Damien

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2014 at 12:43 PM ----------
    It wasn't a faux pas cos he died a number of years ago and I have been over his passing for quite a while now. don't worry about it :slight_smile:
    Damien

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2014 at 12:48 PM ----------

    I want to reply to every person individually but I have been on the computer since about 4 am...could not sleep beyond then...and it's now about midday here, and my eyes are so sore they are acheing and almost burning. I have to leave the pc without having been through all the replies, sorry...

    If I have not replied to you as yet please rest assured I appreciate you feedback...THANK YOU :slight_smile:

    better save my eyes...no more pc for rest of today I think
    Damien
     
    #11 Damien, Jul 1, 2014
  12. Yossarian

    Yossarian
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    This is good advice. The past is like runway behind you; it isn't going to do anything for you unless you have built up speed using it. Focus on today, and what you can do going forward, not looking backwards.
     
    #12 Yossarian, Jul 1, 2014
  13. YaraNunchuck

    YaraNunchuck
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    I think that was very perspicacious, Yossarian. In general I think the meetup group is a great idea; in my experience, human contact with other LGBTs concentrates one's mind on the here and now; helps provide fun and light experiences which dispel any association of gloom with LGBT stuff; and helps ward off regrets.
     
    #13 YaraNunchuck, Jul 2, 2014
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