I have only recently came out to myself and cannot imagine ever having the courage to come out to my husband/family ( grown up but still at home). Are there others out there who cannot bring themselves to break up a home and so stay in a marriage where they are unhappy and keep their true orientation a secret? Is this possible or do things get so bad eventually that something has to give. My husband knows something is wrong but I think he assumes its my age (51_hormones). I suppose you could put things down to hormones but not menopausal ones. Things haven't been good recently due to my wanting to be with my trigger crush and he has said he doesn't want to lose me, but he was thinking of his behaviour, not mine. Can I really spend the rest of my life in a marriage I don't want to be in because I don't have the guts to do something about it? Anyone else done this?
Stella, it took a lot of talking with my therapist to get comfortable with the idea. My wife and I have always put each other first. I definitely understand what you are going through. It's been a brutally tough path, and I'm sure I'll have some horrible days ahead too, but I felt I had to do it for both of us.
Yes, I have. First, I discovered that I could not stay in my marriage and continue to hide it. I did not do well in the closet, I became more depressed and lost a lot of weight. I didn't want to hurt anyone, especially my husband, but I decided to tell him anyways. Initially he was upset because he had been trying very hard to 'fix' what was wrong with us and I knew the whole time that I was gay, and that he couldn't fix it. After about a day, he was much better, and had a plan in which we could be roommates (for our youngest daughter) for 2 years. This is now what we are doing. We don't consider ourselves a couple, but separated and live separate lives. Our families both know of our arrangement and the reason for it. As for me, I feel so much better. I hated keeping that secret. In a way, it's like I freed both of us, not just myself because he can now find someone who can give him what I couldn't.
Sorry to hear that Stella. My brother is in a similar situation, although in his case he is gay and his wife is, presumably, straight ( with the added complication that he and his wife are carers for our elderly father and her elderly mother). I know that he finds it difficult to see a way forward at the moment. I really feel for him, but I also feel for his wife as she is equally trapped without knowing exactly why ( although I think she suspects). I can't really offer you advice, although if you have the means to access counseling it may help you to express your thoughts/feelings in a safe confidential space. Sometimes hearing myself say stuff out loud helps me to reduce the clutter inside caused by it just going round and round inside my head, if that makes sense I hope you find the support you need on here too .
Like take today...not a great one. She's worried about stuff and that really heightens my worries too. We have a very strong connection like that. But I think we will end up in a better place than we have been. Just might not be right away. I dunno. I've taken the path of least resistance quite a few times. Didn't lead to happiness either.
HTBO, I don't know why but I thought you were separated already. Yet again our situations are similar although at least you are living a more honest life than I am. :icon_sad:My children are older although both still at home but not really a reason for us to stay together. Its my husbands health issues that weigh on my mind. I know everyone will think me so callous if I ever gather the courage to leave. They all assume ill be here to look after him in his old age......and why wouldn't they? :icon_sad:
Spatially I'm not separated, but physically, emotionally and mentally I am. It's kind of a transitory state, yet we both live our own lives, which includes dating and neither one of us has a problem with that. We can't legally separate because we live in the same dwelling, but it's more a state of mind. Your situation is a little more difficult with your husband, but ultimately you need to do what's best for you. You have to live your life, and you only have one chance to do it. I know it seems impossible now, and you will probably have guilt if you tell him, but on the other hand you may feel it even if you don't. I've learned in the past that when situations seem impossible, it usually ends up working out eventually. There's always an answer, you just have to find it. I do know how you feel, and I can relate only too well to your pain. As you said, our situations are very similar, and I know for myself I was in such a bad place, but it came to a point that I knew there was only one way to remedy that...and it did. It was difficult, but it's worked out (most days ) I am literally counting down the days (2 years seems forever) until we live in different places. Until then, I will begin to build my life, make friends, and maybe find someone special. I'm taking this 'transitory' stage to assume my true identity. My ex-husband (which is how I refer to him most of the time, I'm not out a work yet) is taking the time to build his life as well.
I've had some good support from you guys today. Very much appreciated. I can now see that i have two issues to deal with- staying friends with my trigger crush so she does not disappear from my life forever and dealing with my marriage. I know the time is not right just now to have a relationship with someone else, but I also now realise I should be in a relationship with a woman. I will have to deal with my marriage eventually. It may be months or it may be years. A you say HTBO, things have a way of working out themselves. I suspect I will wait until I can no longer pretend for my own sake, not my husbands. As I was also advised today by another member, I'm going to take a deep breath and just get myself in the right place in my own time before I do anything. Accept the feelings for what they are. Such good advice. I dont feel as if im floundering as much as I was and I have a bit of control now.
Stella, you sound like you are in a very different place than you were when discussing your trigger crush. I can hear a more rational, accepting person. You are working through it already and you will get there. It takes time, and it needs to be the right time for you. Have you looked into getting a therapist to have someone to talk to about this while you are waiting on the time to tell your husband. It's very painful place to be. It was only3 months ago that I told my ex, yet the difference between now and then makes it seem like it was years ago. I don't have a therapist, but I did have an opportunity to work through what I was feeling on my own. I was taking a theory class for my master's program and the readings we did were primarily about emotions and identity, lol. Wow, they were difficult to read at times, and to discuss in class. I don't know how often I would have to fight not to cry during the 3 hour discussions of the readings, but that class was instrumental in my accepting who I am, and ultimately realizing what I needed to do. I even wrote my final paper on identity formation. But, not everyone is as lucky as I was, I kind of look at it as my therapy. Not the same as seeing one, but the effect was. I am at a very good place right now, and my class ended 2 months ago. Just make sure you take care of yourself, it's easy to fall into a depression and not realize it because you are so focused on what's going on.
Thanks HTBO, I suppose I am in a different place than even a few weeks ago. Its such a surprise to hear someone say I'm working through things, I hadn't even realised. I still struggle on the days I dont see my crush and count the hours until I see her again. I dont know if that will be easier to cope with in time but I can make a concious effort not to overwhelm her when we are together. So I suppose thats progress in itself. We even had our first disagreement yesterday, but even in that we both just seem to want to protect the others feelings. Its our emotional connection that is so unexpected for me. I can so relate when a female comments on the emotional connection to another female. I'm going to take my time to trully accept myself before I do anything drastic re telling my husband. At this point in time I dont know if I will ever be able to tell him. I have thought of a therapist but I dont know how I would explain the regular appointments. I have looked at telephone helplines, so that may be an option if I am desperate. You were fortunate to have your course available as a support for you but I dont think I could have held it together. Your comment on the depression did start me thinking. I suppose I could be classed as depressed when im at home. I rarely smile/laugh anymore. This may be the type of thing that forces the issue. I keep reminding myself this is still my secret and I am in control. I take comfort in that, for the moment. I think I have decided not to come out to my crush, not deliberatey, although if it happens in conversation it happens. I dont think it would serve any purpose at this point in time. I also think we both know but arent saying. Its not the right time. I cant bear the thought of losing her completey but hopefully it wont come to that. Thanks for letting me ramble. This is the only place I can talk about things and its much appreciated. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2014 at 09:43 PM ---------- Thanks HTBO, I suppose I am in a different place than even a few weeks ago. Its such a surprise to hear someone say I'm working through things, I hadn't even realised. I still struggle on the days I dont see my crush and count the hours until I see her again. I dont know if that will be easier to cope with in time but I can make a concious effort not to overwhelm her when we are together. So I suppose thats progress in itself. We even had our first disagreement yesterday, but even in that we both just seem to want to protect the others feelings. Its our emotional connection that is so unexpected for me. I can so relate when a female comments on the emotional connection to another female. I'm going to take my time to trully accept myself before I do anything drastic re telling my husband. At this point in time I dont know if I will ever be able to tell him. I have thought of a therapist but I dont know how I would explain the regular appointments. I have looked at telephone helplines, so that may be an option if I am desperate. You were fortunate to have your course available as a support for you but I dont think I could have held it together. Your comment on the depression did start me thinking. I suppose I could be classed as depressed when im at home. I rarely smile/laugh anymore. This may be the type of thing that forces the issue. I keep reminding myself this is still my secret and I am in control. I take comfort in that, for the moment. I think I have decided not to come out to my crush, not deliberatey, although if it happens in conversation it happens. I dont think it would serve any purpose at this point in time. I also think we both know but arent saying. Its not the right time. I cant bear the thought of losing her completey but hopefully it wont come to that. Thanks for letting me ramble. This is the only place I can talk about things and its much appreciated.
The emotional connection is unreal! It is powerful, and amazing and quite a surprise. Telephone helplines are a very good lifeline if you need. You could always look to see if there are any type of lgbt support resources in your area. You may not need to go regularly, but it'll give you a chance to speak to someone who can help you through this. And of course, there is this place. I wish I had found it when I really needed it, but it's still good to see I'm not alone and many others have similar experiences. I was the same way when I was at home, no joy at all. It was the depression that forced the issue with me. It was getting worse, and I knew what I had to do to stop it. It was at the point that the depression was more painful than telling my ex, and that's when I did it. The coming out process is one giant emotional roller coaster, and you will have good and bad days. I know I do, but now it's more good than bad, but wasn't always that way. After I told my ex, and then began to come out more, I felt lost, didn't know what I should do next. It was like after somebody dies, you have the funeral and lots of support and then everyone goes home, and you are left to pick up the pieces, except with this you don't know where to begin. And it's absolutely wonderful!! I told another person last night. She had posted on Facebook a picture from world pride parade and the caption was 'today is for everyone around the world afraid to celebrate'. I sent her a message saying thank you for posting it and that there are so many people who are afraid to come out of their closets and are suffering, and if any of them see her post it would probably have a very positive impact; it's acknowledging their illegitimate pain. And then I told her, but I'm sure she guessed by my comments alone. It's always wonderful when you tell someone and have a positive reaction. Ramble as much as you like
So much of this sounds familiar. I understand so much of it. I need to tell my husband. It slowly gets harder everyday to not just blurt it out. But I stop everytime.I don't want to hurt him. It sounds like you are making some good progress. If your husband has noticed some issues explain that you want to try counseling. Even people who don't have all these things flying around in their heads benefit from counseling. Just a thought. Keep sharing and talking to us. Everyday I feel I am one step closer to being me again.
