Feeling Really Bad

hoo boy, do I know what youre talking about

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a brother in a similar situation, and my previous partner was married for a number of years so I feel a great deal of empathy even if I haven't directly experienced your situation.

I genuinely believe that most people do not go through life intentionally hurting others. You probably made what you believed at the time to be the right choice. It is clear from the tone of your post that you regret the hurt that will come as a result of that long ago choice. As with so many before you, it seems to me that you're a good person in a bad situation rather than a bad person.

I can't offer you a quick solution to what lies ahead. But please try not to blame your present day self for a decision your much younger self made.... and try not to blame your younger self for a decision that probably seemed right at the time.

Good luck.

 

Hi marriedover50, I could be reading my own post here if you swap thee husband/wife status. I'm in exactly the same boat although I have two late teen daughters. My husband is also so 'appreciative' to have me and tells me so. It makes me feel so bad. Also, he has health issues and I'm sure that he is comforted by the fact that I am by his side should he get worse. He knows something is wrong as I have been so withdrawn from him for the past six months. I think he is scared to confront it in case he loses me so we carry on with me miserable all the time and him scared to say the wrong thing. At this point in time I don't have the courage to come out of the closet. I can't hurt him that bad so I am trying to get my head around how to live in the closet for the sake of my husband. I don't know if it will work. Maybe something will give and it will all blow up out of my control; I know that would be the coward's way out and not the best way. I am considering counselling but how do I explain my absence on a regular basis for appointments? I am going to have to go on holiday with him soon too so I have much empathy with you and know I will feel the same when we are away.
You are obviously further down the line than me but thinking ahead for you (and perhaps for me) is there anyone you could prepare who would be able to support your wife? I'm thinking of maybe mutual friends who you could confide in, not necessarily telling why you are separating if you don't want to.
Everyone says on here that once youve told your partner and the shock is overEC,hat the relief is immense. You sound like me though, the guilt for the whole situation is also immense. But as gaysibling said, we are not bad people, we cannot help the way we are. Maybe we should focus on that.
Keep us updated.I get a lot of comfort from the contact I have with EC, I hope you do too.

Thinking of you(*hug*)

 

Been there. Mine was at Christmas.

I think special occasions we put too much pressure on ourselves to make it better than it actually is. Your not doing anything wrong. You deserve the break. These thoughts and feelings aren't gonna kill you. Accept them for what they are. And take a big breathe

 

Ritchie8109 you have really struck a cord - I have tears running down my face as I write this. You are so right. These feelings won't kill us. No one can read our minds so we can take a breath and deal with things at our own pace. I feel as if you were in the same room as me pointing out the obvious that I couldnt see. Im still learning to accept these feelings, marriedover50 I think you've accepted them already and are ready/need to act on them.
Thanks guys for the support

 

Yeah therapy taught me that one sometimes these thoughts are so loud we worry other people might hear them..we sometimes spiral, its good to know there is no rush!(&&&)

 

This video is a must see

I'm watching Brave by Sara Bareilles on Vevo for iPad
http://vevo.ly/c5Fmo8

 

I do not know what you are personally going through with your life because it's not something I have experienced but you I can understand how its a difficult situation from what you are going through right now. You do sound like a genuine person and like what you said, it's never your intention to hurt your wife. Sometimes guilt eat us up because we do also want what is best for the person we love. I can see that your wife is supportive of your coming out process but it's also nice to take a breather for a while. You're on vacation ,you deserve to have fun too.

 

Hi marriedover50, I'm also married and over 50 When you said "But I can no longer live in darkness. My inner world is a fortress. I know I have to bust out of this fortress soon." it struck a deep chord in me. My heart longs to be free and your statement will be my battle cry.

stella99 WOW! when I read your post about your situation it was like hearing someone describe my life right now. Almost every statement that you made is a mirror image... very scary. I have come out to her, but here I sit lacking the courage to move on.

 

Hey marriedover50,

The ancient Greek plays had a fascination with both comedy and tragedy. For them, comedy is when people are worse than they really are, and in tragedy, people are better than they are. One of their deeper insights was in the realm of tragedy. People who are better than they really are will do the right thing, despite the consequences, which are usually tragic.

Bear with me, but it may help for you to elevate your situation to the realm of the mythic, to see your situation in a tragic light could bring you to a place of shared experience, not unique to you, but to humanity.

You know what the right thing is to do, but you are human and it is difficult to see yourself as an agent of tragic change, as the villain in this story. If you can change that point of view to that of someone who got married with all the right intentions, as someone who loves your wife enough to be honest with her, you may find the courage you need to do what needs to be done.

I wish you all the best, and I know that you will do your best to do what needs to be done as gently and as kindly as possible, whilst acknowledging that there is no other option.

 

Give yourself time to learn how to be the "agent of tragic change" as greatwhale refers to it. My wife has known I'm gay for 10 months, and I'm finally coming to the point where I can do it. I've had many of the same concerns that you have. My wife is very emotionally dependent on me, although she is frequently unkind and demanding about it. She isn't particularly responsible, and after 10 months she has still not bothered to do any real preparation for a future without me, outside of complaining that she'll have to find cheap health insurance. I've been squeamish about pressing her because I didn't want to be the bad guy.

But at some point you will find that it gets easier. Part of this journey is coming to realize that your feelings not only matter, they are important. When I started my slow creep out of the closet, I felt as though this was a terribly self-centered thing I was doing, and the only one it would really benefit was myself, and it would hurt countless more people than that one that it would benefit. But that's not really the case. Yes, my wife is hurt. She perceives our 20-year marriage as a lie that will forever prevent her from trusting another man and completely blows all of her future plans to hell. But guess what: Most of those "future plans" were her plans, and really didn't involve me in any way besides stepping back and allowing them to happen. The happiness that she feels when we're on vacation or when everything is going her way is hard to escape, like swimming on the edge of a whirlpool. But your happiness, and my happiness, needs to count for something too, or it's not a relationship. It's one person denying himself happiness to try and provide it to someone else.

Lately it's been easier and easier to stand up for myself. The results are still slow, and I'm getting impatient. But the fear of instigating change has, at long last, started giving way to the frustration of not seeing change. As I've become more secure with myself as a gay man, I've started to learn that I'm a person at long last. I count for something. The hurt I'm putting my wife through by forcing her in the direction of ending our marriage (which is still a ways off for practical reasons) is very real, but it pales next to what I've gone through hiding this secret for my whole adult life. She may eventually understand that--I certainly try to explain it regularly. In the end, she'll perhaps be a little shorter on trust, but she will also learn to be more self-sufficient. Not, perhaps, in an ideal or pleasant way. Learning isn't always a fun thing. There's no "Relationship Rock" that gives you a cute 2-minute song that explains having a gay spouse the way it explains a bill on Capitol Hill. But if we come out of this with a real relationship as friends--which we both are hoping for, although some days it seems more likely than others--it will be based on real friendship and history, and not our notions of what we "should" be to one another.

Patience is tough. I have less and less of it all the time, the more secure I become, the more people I come out to, the more I spend time with my boyfriend. I just want to be out to the world and remove that filter of "who knows I'm gay?" and toss it away forever. Stay strong. Or grow strong.