1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Moments that make you realise - it is time

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Casper22, Jun 29, 2014.

  1. Casper22

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2014
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    A few incidents over the past weekend have made it all too clear to me that it is time to just do it - to begin to talk openly about my life with the people around me.

    The first incident was at a big family gathering for my aunt's 60th birthday over the weekend. Cousins, family friends, uncles, aunts were all there, and it has been a while since the last family gathering, so it had been a while since I had seen them. As can happen when catching up with family, the conversation turned to people's love lives - especially as there had been a few break-ups/new relationships that had happened since the last gathering. A group of maybe 10 of us were talking around a table, and I was just praying to god that the spotlight didn't land on me. But lo and behold, out came the dreaded question - "So Sean, have you got a girlfriend yet?" - basically I mumbled something about there not being any news on that front blah blah blah - and prayed that the conversation would move on.

    The second incident was that the very next day I was having tea with two old family friends of ours (who weren't at the gathering) and basically the very same question came up. Again I mumbled something about there being no news there.

    Both incidents were very awkward and very embarrassing. Basically I hate the fact that I seem to be looked upon as a pitiable 24 year old loser who has not only never had a girlfriend, but also has a seemingly vacant love life. I just hate when I answer their questions with stupid platitudes like "no girlfriend yet, but I'm sure it won't be long." These sort of moments make me feel so powerless and pitiable - I imagine it would feel so much more empowering to respond to those questions with the truth - that I have had boyfriends in the past, that I have recently gone on some good dates with some nice guys ect ect.

    I hate the fact that I look like such a pitiable and loveless loser, when that is not really the truth. I hate the fact that everyone else can talk so freely about their love lives, but I prevent myself from talking about it at all. I hate the fact that I can see and feel the distance that I am putting between myself and other people as I continue to not discuss my life with them at all.

    It is these incidents that have really made me realise that it is time to open up. Anyone else had similar experiences/realisations?
     
  2. calgary

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2014
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary, Canada
    Yes very much so. My friends have stopped asking me about my dating life, I'm pretty sure they know but nobody talks about it. It's awkward at work when people ask about my weekends too. I'm always saying I didn't do much and changing the topic. The thing that made me want to come out of the closet was when things slowed down at work and I began having free time. I realized how lonely I was and that by hiding a part of myself I've done an excellent job of isolating myself from friends and family.
     
  3. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sigh, I'm right there with you. :frowning2:

    I used to love hanging out with my extended family but now I kind of fear when we get together in a large group for this exact reason. Conversation never fails to head in that direction and I end up feeling so bad and desperately wishing that everyone will quickly move on from me and bother someone else. With one aunt in particular I'm afraid to even touch my phone because every time she'll say "so, texting your girlfriend?" I mean I know I haven't exactly fit the mold my family had in mind but it bothers me so much that it's seemingly on everyone's mind when they see me.

    I'm going to my uncle's wedding next weekend and I'm dreading it already. If I have to deal with these questions on any random occasion I can't imagine what a wedding will be like, plus I won't be surprised if my family tries to pressure me into dancing with some girl.

    I'm kind of freaking out about this because it's a 4.5 hour drive to Montreal with both of my parents and I just found out my brother isn't going. I desperately want them to ask me if I'm gay, but not together and definitely not as a result of some extremely awkward moment for me. The sad thing is I can't imagine any scenario where I'm happy when I get home on Monday -- in the unlikely event that I'm finally out it will because I've snapped and can't hold it anymore which means the conversation will have a terrible tone, or much more likely I'll feel badly about having to deal with those questions again and even worse to know that probably the most likely event to push me out of the closet has slipped away, even if I didn't want it. Gah, I'm special sometimes.
     
  4. Casper22

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2014
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Yep calgary - I have realised that I almost could not have done a better job of isolating myself if I had consciously tried. By never opening up to people at all, what else could I have expected than that we would would drift apart - and I think as a result I am quite isolated and lonely these days. I think this is a big incentive for me to make a change.

    And mbanema - I feel like we are living similar lives on opposite ends of the world. I have also come to essentially dread any of these family gatherings for exactly the same reason. I was even trying to think up excuses to not go to my aunt's birthday - while at the same time thinking about how ridiculous it was that I would miss my Aunt's 60th birthday for basically no reason at all. Sigh - I think I have reached the point where it is just time to "face the music", because no matter what the consequences, it cannot be more unhealthy for me than the situation I am currently in.
     
  5. Ghost93

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2014
    Messages:
    349
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I realized it was time to start coming out to people this past New Years Eve. At the end of 2013 I remember thinking I had just wasted another year of my life because I couldn't tell anyone the truth. I was in the exact same place in my life on December 2013 as I was in December 2012. I thought to myself "I've already wasted so much of my life in hiding, and I won't let another year go to waste. I'm almost 21 and its time to tell people."

    In the past six months, I've told 7 of my closest friends (each subsequent coming out has been easier than before) and it has made me feel a lot better about myself.

    I still haven't told my family and I still dread the day when I break my parent's hearts. But that day will come later when the time is right (summer 2015).

    Good luck.

    I definitely agree that extended family members have become something to dread. While my parents are homophobic, they lack the bitchy edge that my aunt and her children have when insulting gay people (or any people for that matter).
     
  6. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    G'day Casper,

    I'm going to assume that, in reality, you do have an active love-life, just that it happens to be with guys, correct?

    The only way - other than actually coming out - that I can think of to better manage it, when they ask 'that question', is: unashamedly look them in the eye, and just say, "no", plainly and with the self-assured air of someone who doesn't give a rats' about what they think. Let them sense your confidence. Don't look down, or mumble - make eye contact and speak calmly and confidently as you nonchalantly and casually say, "no". Because, when you think about it, it really doesn't matter, does it?

    And if any petty judgements go on in their minds after that, that's their problem, not yours.
     
    #6 Damien, Jun 29, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2014
  7. SimpleMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indianapolis
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is my story as well. And I've had to numb the deep sadness and loneliness the closet causes just to survive. But when we numb the darkness in our lives we numb the light as well. There are many times when I just feel like an empty shell of a human being. I worry that I've numbed myself and isolated myself for so long that I'll never really recover that joy and love that used to be in my life.

    My thoughts are with all of you on your personal journeys to authenticity and wholeness.
     
  8. Richie.

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2013
    Messages:
    546
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Birmingham UK
    The music is good. Have a boogie!! When you're ready you're ready. Bring it on!
     
  9. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This is so true. There's obviously a bunch of things that make coming out a real challenge, but for me I think the biggest obstacle is really the awkwardness of the whole conversation. Yeah, I hate that I'd be doing something to majorly disappoint my parents and I hate the thought of making my mom cry, but I'm honestly not worried about their reaction. I live on my own and completely financially independent from them and I think even if they were to hate me over this (which won't happen), I'd still feel better than I do holding it inside. The problem is that after shutting the entire world off from that aspect of me for the last 15 years or whatever it's really difficult for me to even consider bringing that up.

    You sound motivated to actually do something about it -- take advantage of that momentum now while it's there because you don't know how long it will last and it might not come around again for a long time. I know back in December I thought I'd be able to do it in the first week of 2014 but by the time that got here I scoffed at the idea and have been pretty much hopeless ever since. There's never going to be a perfect opportunity to do this so act on it now while you're feeling that it's a real possibility.

    Oh man do I ever know this feeling. Right now time seems to be passing so damn fast and it feels like I'm just throwing away what are supposed to be some of the best years of my life. Obviously I won't know for sure until I reach that point, but I think if I'm still in this same pathetic situation once I hit 30 I'll probably completely give up on this aspect of my life which would be a really sad thing to you. Kudos to you for taking action and making something positive happen. :thumbsup:
     
  10. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Over and over, Sean. We only have one big family get-together a year, so they're not very much a part of my life, but my co-workers are, and I've reached a point where I'm very open about it. I actually kind of LIKE coming out to people! My neighbors don't know, because of complex situations (still married, and my wife is clinging to the threads of it, so telling neighbors and Facebook friends has an added level of complexity and required endless rehashing of the situation, which has started getting old). I can't wait for her to be in a place where it won't cause problems for her if I'm completely out. Because the truth is - I LIKE being out. It's a huge relief and I feel so much more genuine and honest. And people have been amazingly accepting and understanding. Why didn't I do this years ago?
     
  11. jnr183

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2013
    Messages:
    210
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    US
    Wow to casper and everyone else on this thread. You have articulated something that I have felt for many, many years. My parents and relatives have been questioning me about a girlfriend forever. They just never really understood. As I am coming out I am unearthing lots of buried memories and I remember when I was visiting home at about the age of 22, my mother point-blank asked me what I never had girlfriends and if I was gay. And I incredulously told her no! Even with my stash of pornography hidden away, I think I could have passed a lie detector test (maybe?) because I believed it so much. She never asked that again, I can tell you that.

    I tolerated the awkwardness for the rest of my 20s... waiting to find the right guy or girl. Thought I met the right girl at 30- my parents were over the moon that I finally had a serious girlfriend- only to find a few months later who I thought was the right guy (he probably isn't). But what I'm getting at is that it took an intense emotional connection with another man to prompt me to come out. Otherwise I think I would have tolerated the awkwardness forever. It's still awkward, but I'm hoping the awkwardness ends soon because I feel like me telling them is not too far off in the future.

    That seems to have worked for me, but you need to do what feels right for you. If you feel ready, go for it! Let us know how it goes... it may just help me finally once and for all end the awkward. Thanks for sharing your story.
     
  12. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My mother met my college roommate when I was perhaps 21-22 and shortly after engaged me in a conversation about what the Catholic Church's teachings were on gays. She even went as far as saying that I could tell her if I was....and of course I denied it, even though I had a major crush on the roommate and already knew I was attracted to guys and not girls. I probably could have passed the same lie detector test as jnr183. Then I got my own place, discovered gay porn, started wondering if I wasn't just plain gay--and then Mom and my grandparents all died kin the space of two years, and all I cared about was building a new "normal" family to replace the one I'd just lost.

    All of you who are questioning and thinking about how to come out--bravo. You are brave and sensible. Being in the closet all these years has been a painful thing that I could have avoided if I'd done what you're doing. But I can't really complain....about the lost years, perhaps, but I have two great kids and a boyfriend who I only met because I came out late and needed help and support. There are blessings all around if you are open to them.
     
  13. Kreativ

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2014
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    'Redneckia', Louisiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    From the posts above, I see many of y'all going through so much pain. And that pain drags on over long periods of time...in its way, all the more painful. I'm in the early stages of coming out, and I wish I had something more constructive to say. I do feel great empathy for y'all and I wish you happiness and peace.
    Come to think of it, I do have a little something that very probably has limited efficacy for many of you, but I'll offer to you anyway.
    There have been times when, for various reasons, I have not chosen not to date (The biggest of these was during times of intense introspection re my sexuality). I'm from a large extended, Cajun family. Over 10 aunts and uncles, just on one side. 30+ first cousins. So when we have a get together, its quite the deal. And like y'all , I get asked about girlfriends, getting remarried, etc.
    My response is to say something snarky like: "Well, I would, but you know, its hard to find the right girl when you are a satanic cannibal.". Fortunately (maybe unfortunately for the rest of the world, lol), my family shares a similarly bizarre sense of humor (That's a lot of smart a$$es in one room!), So, we all have a good laugh and simultaneously, the question has been deflected.
    Maybe, one day in the near future, I'll come out to them. Hell, in a family full of black sheep, it won't be theworst thing tthey've ever heard.
    Wishing y'all the best,
    K.
     
  14. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    :lol:
     
  15. quietman702

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2011
    Messages:
    385
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    WV, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Casper, I want to thank you for your post! While our situations are different I also feel the pain and awkwardness that you speak about. It really hit home when you said "I hate the fact that I can see and feel the distance that I am putting between myself and other people as I continue to not discuss my life with them at all." I've actually have distanced myself to the point where I basically have no friends left. Choirboy you're spot on when you said "Why didn't I do this years ago?" I must break out of this and be me.
     
  16. calgary

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2014
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary, Canada
    This is an interesting topic. I was out with some friends last night. It occurred to me that it's not weather I'm around other people or not, it's the closet that really isolates me. Even when I'm out having "fun" it the constant pressure to make sure I say the "right" (not gay) things and act the "right" way that makes me feel so isolated. I think it's that pressure that makes it easier just to stay home alone. Once staying in the safety of home alone gets old, I reach out to friends and the cycle continues. After 30 years of this I have realized there is only one way to break the cycle and that is to come out.
     
  17. Highlander2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2013
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    116
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Calgary that's so true. I was "seeing" a guy for about 7 months and it all fell apart about six weeks ago or so. He was not out where he lived, but was out where he worked (in a different city) and he maintained this illusion in his home town despite being single. He tried - looking back - to modify me and encourage me to suppress how I walked, talked, dressed, expressed myself in public to him: not that I fit the 'stereotypical' gay mould, but looking back he tried so hard to get me to be someone that I wasn't just to protect himself. Now I've met a guy who is openly gay, who's not afraid to kiss me in the street (that was a liberating experience!) or just be himself.

    I now spend most of my weeks free time with my kids, family, or friends who I like spending time with. I'm not going to be a victim - when you start to make that mental shift it's powerful at driving your confidence.

    I now don't feel I need to hide who I am either in my personal life or at work. I'm not going to necessarily broadcast it to everyone, but if I'm out with friends and I see a hot guy, I'm not going to hide that I might look at him out of fear that I'd get "sprung" as I used to do before.

    You only get one life.
     
  18. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I also used to find the questions about relationships awkward, but it also used to remind me that I was not really being true to myself or living a meaningful life with the opportunity to date (if I wanted to). Moreover, the evasive answering of questions about girls became harder and harder as time went on and I started to avoid social situations with nosy relatives to avoid telling blatant lies. All in all, it was very depressing and I had to face it head on before it ground me down. I became so fed up with it all that I just said to myself, "b***ocks to this, I'm setting a date and I WILL come out by then no matter what". I pretty much took it right up to the deadline that I set myself, but I didn't let it pass and I was fairly proud of myself for seeing it through.

    I agree with Choirboy... why didn't I do it sooner. The relief I felt can't be described.
     
  19. Casper22

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2014
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    If I had to describe my experience of being in the closet in one word, I would choose the word "disempowering". It is a constant process of self rejection and shame (even if on a subconscious level) - by being in the closet I am basically telling myself that I am not good enough to be out and happy with who I am - and being in this constant state of self rejection and shame over a period of years will no doubt have negative influences - no wonder then why my self esteem and relationships have progressively suffered over the years.

    Thanks for all of the thoughts and experiences that you have shared :slight_smile: