The hard conversations and pain have begun..

It's an ever-changing set of feelings, and there's no reason to plan out the future in an instant. What you feel now and what you feel tomorrow may be completely different things.

When I told my wife, I wanted to be honest but didn't have any immediate plans for the future. All I know was that I wanted it out in the open. I had no plans to move and no intention to look for a relationship. I just wanted to see what it felt like to be gay and try to maintain as much status quo as I could while I decided how I wanted to move forward. And I was in something of a panic because I felt like she and I wouldn't come out of this with any semblance of a friendship, and I did want that.

Fast forward 10 months, and to much of the world in our small town, nothing has happened. But I've found, without even looking, an amazing guy who I want to spend my life with, I'm out to a number of co-workers and family members, and no my wife is the one worried that we won't be friends. We haven't filed for divorce (financial reasons, mainly), but I'm actively trying to work on the debt and find an alternative way for us to split enough to have our own lives.

You have initiated the craziest roller coaster ride you will ever be on in your life. What you wanted before, and want now, and in a day or a week or a year, is going to change frequently and it will be hard to keep up with it all. I've had days of clarity and confusion, frustration and awe, and in the end I'm still glad I did it. Being true to yourself is the best feeling in the world. Stick with it and let yourself (and your wife) process and evolve (if she's willing to do that).

I've been trying to encourage my wife to got to check out the Straight Spouse Network or some resource but she too says she wants no part of a giant pity party full of people who have been screwed over by gay spouses. I told her that's really not the intent but I guess she has to deal with it her own way. Some days she is tearful and sad; other days she is vicious and cruel. I'm learning to deal with it and hope that when the dust settles, we will be, if not great friends, certainly fond of our shared history. That's hard. But I'm also realizing how much of our relationship was based on me being at her emotional beck and call, so I'm gaining strength by asserting myself and where I stand in her life.

Ride the roller coaster and hang on. It's not always fun while it's happening but you won't regret it.

 

Hard times ahead emotions are difficult to work through. Be strong and listen to choirboy he knows his stuff

 

It's kinda the reason I stayed in the closet scared of hurting the people closet to me.. She will be hurt what she does is not your fault... She will go through stages of grief.. But she will be ok. Just like you will be

 

We live in the same house and even sleep in the same bed, although there's no touching whatsoever, and frankly I'd rather sleep anywhere else. I'm finding it more uncomfortable by the day, but there's nowhere else for me to sleep except the basement or the sofa. The sofa may happen soon, for my own sanity.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I told her, although I was aware there was a chance she'd say get the hell out. Truth is, there are several factors keeping us together. Financially we're a mess and there is no way we could support 2 households on my income, even the house and a small apartment--and although I'm getting pretty relentless with talking about her going full time, she's still coming up with excuses. And she's very much concerned that our kids will hate her if she pushes me out, because she's insecure and has some emotional issues. It's all very complicated, and I'm really to the point of really wanting to be in my own place, especially now that I have a boyfriend, but we're still legally married. Setting up limits and boundaries is important, and it's something I should have done when I told her, but I was pretty unaware of that.

I will say that if you know you're attracted to men and not women, the fact that you haven't had sexual contact with a guy isn't really likely to factor in. I had only had one very limited experience with a guy 30 years before, but I was very certain I was only interested in guys despite that. And I wasn't wrong.

My wife has made numerous comments about being alone, not being loved, having to live with her mother and so on. It's been very manipulative and I am finally to the point of not falling for it anymore. The hardest thing is keeping strong and standing up for yourself, which was never my strong point with her. It's getting better, but it's still a struggle.

 

I admire you for facing the hard conversations.
I feel I am stuck in paralysis where I can get close to having the hard conversations, but I just can't do it. I guess it is easier not rocking the boat. But I feel guilty for my masturbation addictions and chats with other cross dressing males online.

I think you seem on the right path, and it will be nice if you can ever be on your own. But I know the feeling that it just seems like too much to face, and a certain disbelief that it is really happening this way

 

Congratulations , I am sure it hasn't been easy to have those conversations, but it's the only way to move forward for both of you. From what you have said, the pain was already there, but now you're both being open about it. No one can tell exactly what lies ahead for you, because even when people have similar stories there will always be variations, but I hope in a while both you and your wife will feel released from your current emotional turmoil. I will follow any updates you choose to share with us and wish you ( both) well. Big hugs.

---------- Post added 1st Jul 2014 at 09:47 AM ----------

Vinny2, everyone travels at their own pace and has their own journey. You may feel you are making no progress, but I notice this is your first ever post on here....that is a big step in itself and I would encourage you to acknowledge yourself for having done that. Coming out and being at ease with yourself is a whole series of many individual steps, some bigger than others, but they all help you to get where you need to be .

 

Choirboy...Thank you. That was beautiful.

 

All of you guys who are facing this are so brave. I'm lucky in a way, as my (now ex) was the one who dumped me, and so I can just be myself now, without her vindictively trying to withhold access to my kids, etc. I would say, though, to remain patient and kind with your spouses, and separate the manipulative stuff from the other reality, which is that it really would be a challenging thing to accept for them, also - and emotionally difficult. I agree that both remaining kind and patient, yet also assertive and standing up for oneself, would be essential. A balancing act that I, too, found difficult whenever I was with a woman. (They usually had the upper hand and ended up trying to control me...sometimes even what I thought, for heaven's sake!)

Peace,
Damien.

 

Dear Horizen,
As I write this, there is a hurricane outside (literally!) and it has been the strangest experience, as I have felt calm throughout the night.

The last three months, since coming out to myself and to my wife have felt like weathering a storm that comes in waves. At the beginning i would panic when i or especially my wife would have a rough time. Now I am beginning to relax- and accept it as part of the process.
Like you, I have only had one partner- my wife. But as I look back over my life- the signs were there all along, and i am confident in saying that I am gay.
My wife and I are looking at our relationship differently now- and seeing clearly for the first time that we have not had a traditional marriage. And we are asking what do we have (a wonderful friendship, a good home, our son...) we are also looking at what our individual needs, emotionally, financially, our son's well being. We are talking through each part, and being gut level honest. In a way, this has been joyful, as we are talking with greater depth than we have for years.
We now each have our own bedroom in the house. It was painful at first not to share a bed. (I am the cuddler in our relationship) but she was certain she needed that space. And now, as I deal with my own feelings, so do I.
I re commend reading "my husband is gay", it helped us both see what my wife is going through, and has given us a way to talk about her experience.
For now, we want to continue living together, sharing a household and caring for our son, and to work out our relationship more as partner and friends than husband and wife. We are holding the future lightly, and striving to see that each of us grows strong individually, while hoping to preserve what has been genuinely good and loving about our relationship.
That is where I am. I know every persons story is different. And I am so grateful to all who are sharing on this site.
The light of the day is showing outside, and the winds are starting to subside.
I think the storm is passing.

 

Horizen,

My heart goes out to you.
It is natural for people in pain to lash out, and say words that cause pain. I imagine you are both in so much pain right now. (We certainly were for the first month)
I hope you have, or can find some friends that you can talk to during this time. It is so important to know you are not alone.
Wishing you all the best as you weather the storms.